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My Adult Son Blames Me

Started by Therese, March 23, 2017, 08:34:26 am

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There is an old topic called "my adult sons blames me" or something similar, and I wanted to start a new and similar conversation. We are estranged from our adult son who blames us for not recognizing his "God given talent" as a mechanic and made him go to college instead. At any point he was free to pursue a career as a mechanic or something similar but has not chosen to do so. He has a career as a manufacturing engineer, but that does not require working with his hands. At any rate, he blames me for everything bad in his life, and texts some of the ugliest, most hurtful things to me. Has anyone who has experienced estrangement from a son also managed to reconnect at any point and resume a normal relationship?


Welcome, T. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

In our archives there are literally hundreds of threads on the subject you address. There are instances where relationships have evolved and others where moving on to less abusive more rewarding experiences prevail. My own experience was the later. I opted for self respect when I realized my son's respect was an expectation that wasn't going to happen.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you so much. I am wondering what would be the best search word to find more of these threads. I have read quite a lot on the one that says "my son blames me" but those were from 2012. I am still learning how to use this marvelous website and forum which have been very therapeutic for me.


March 23, 2017, 10:01:58 am #3 Last Edit: March 23, 2017, 10:08:22 am by luise.volta
Try 'My Son Hates Me'. Others can probably guide your search better than I can. Also the category on Resources that can be accessed by going to out HomePage has a lot of good stuff.

I have also given you your own thread. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, and sorry to hear about the blame game.  I've been blamed too, but by a daughter, not a son.  I think the biggest surprise for her was when I called her on it and said I expected to be treated with respect and not the way she was treating me.  She again deflected blame, but then I didn't hear from her for quite a while, nor did I contact her.  When she contacted me again, trying to pretend it had never happened, I brought it up.  She denied having said or done anything that was disrespectful.  But she knew I was not going to take it anymore and hasn't done that since (with the exception of a couple of occasional setbacks - but she has stopped herself short before continuing on a "blame the parents" narrative). Perhaps that strategy would work for you.  If your son's texts are unkind, is it possible to block them?  You don't need this in your life.  He is an adult and has to take responsibility for his own life choices.  He won't do it if he has someone to continue to blame. In your shoes, I might give him a chance to stop the blaming, but let him know I would be cutting off texts, calls or whatever medium he chooses if the blame game continues, and tell him that I deserve a peaceful life.  And then I'd go out and live it - with or without him in it.  You will be okay either way!  He should know that, too - not by your overtly stating it, but in your confident manner of taking control of the joy in your life.


Thanks, Bamboo2. My son has stopped texting me. But I have not seen this as a respect issue until recently, perhaps because I didn't feel that I had the right to demand it for some reason after,he became an adult. We did, of course, demand respect when our two kids were growing up. Should he write the same things again, though, I would handle it differently. I think that he has a mental issue such as manic depression or some sort of personality disorder so I've let him get away with telling me off. It is no use to suggest psycholical help to him as he is convinced that he is just fine. His big issue is that I should have respected his wish to go to a Technical school after high school 20 years ago and insisted that he go to college instead, ignoring--he says--his God given mechanical ability. We paid his full tuition at a private university, but he wishes that we had been poor so that he could have made his own decisions. I was guided by the experience of people who could have gone to college, did not go,and later regretted it. Or by people who blame their parents for not making them go to college. Sometimes I think we tried too hard to be good parents.


Welcome, T. I'm glad you found the site, it truly has been a lifesaver for me and I hope it will help you, too. The blame game is tough. You do not need to play.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Well Rock, for me the turning point came when I realized that I no longer enjoyed my DS's company.  I found myself worrying about every word and gesture I made.  It was really difficult and nerve racking so why was I so adamant to endure it?  I finally decided that the person I wanted to see, the son I raised, was gone and I was trying to make the person I was seeing fit into the mold of the son I lost.  It was not working.  I had to grieve the son I lost and accept the one I had left.  For a while (months, maybe a year or more) I did not see my DS but it was my choice too, not just his.  Eventually he started making an effort to stay in touch and I have gotten to know the person he is now.  I still miss the son I raised but I have a lot of respect for the man he is now.

I have no idea how much the bipolar diagnosis will affect your results and I wish you luck with your issues.  You are not alone.  We understand!  You did your best and you were a good Mom!  Now you need to take care of yourself and be happy!  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Hello T. There is no figuring out the younger generation. My parents never mentioned college to me so I did not go right after HS. Did not even know it was a possibility. But in my mid twenties I decided that was what I wanted and did it. I did not blame my parents for what they did or did not do, I knew they did the best they could as most parents do. Tell (or text) your son if he wants to be a mechanic, then go be a mechanic, it is in his hands now to make decisions for himself. If he wants to be mad he will be mad, at that or something else. I think the one thing we all have in common here is that there is no reasonable explanation for the behavior of our adult children. The difference between us and our parents generation is that our children were very influenced by media, schools, and peers. In our parents time "the village" did not raise your children, you did. I know when my children were in school, the school tried to (and did) program the kids into the new age ways and basically tried to (and did) usurp parental decisions. I was by no means old fashioned in raising my children, and I resented that teachers could say and do whatever they wanted with my kids, good or bad. Teachers of the past, and the school, had boundaries limited to education. In more recent times they have become socialization institutions. So however our children turned out has very little to do with anything we did, assuming you were a good (not abusive, etc.) parents who tried their best.