Not Invited to My DD wedding.

[Anita]

Hi I am new to this Forum, but need wise counsel. My DD has been estranged from me for nearly 6 years. I do not know the cause and she will not discuss it. I also have DS 7 years younger she is 38. I was thrilled to hear that she is getting married on March 18th, but I am not invited, the ONLY member of my entire family left out. I have respected her wishes and over the years, but sent birthday and Christmas presents, to let her know that the door is still open, sometimes I am thanked, sometimes not.
I am absolutely gutted her decision.
However I have lived with a Narcissistic Mother and the same for my daughter. I now realise that my DM  has 'kidnapped' my daughter, she will of course be going to the wedding.
The manipulation being if I do not go and don't make a fuss, may be my DD just might open up communications, after the wedding of course. I doubt it.
So how does one move forward and deal with the pain? I also have to face my DM after the wedding, I feel like putting her into a home and leaving her. She gave me religious advice when she knows perfectly well I do not believe in her religion. So your help please.....

[luise.volta]

Welcome. If you have used you given name as your User Name, please choose something else so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure you find WWU to be a fit. We are a monitored Website. I am going to modify your post slightly because of a reference to a specific prayer. We're world wide and every religion and lack thereof is represented.

When I came to a total impasse with my adult, elder son, it took me a very long time to get that it was about him, not me. I tried to fix the unfixable and accept the unacceptable, believing I could somehow restore the un-restorable with my love for him. Not a working premise...since it wasn't about me in the first place.

You issues with your own mother are not about you, either. Like your daughter, she has her own agenda.

What was about me was very hard to get. It was about my own my very garden-variety expectations an the fact that no one was responsible to fulfill them. Eventually, I created new ones that offered me choice. I got that I had done my best to fulfill my mom-job and the rest was up to my adult children. They had the task to sort through it...keep what they wanted and leave the rest, mature through making their own decisions and learn from the consequences...or not.

My choices lay in what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. That was even slower to surface because in facing the necessary hurt and self-pity, It get stuck there. Finally I moved on to seeing that I mattered to me...and that was enough. I started looking for what would make my heart sing...and was surprised to find there were many things to choose from. That, for me, was where the healing showed up although the whole journey was about healing.

You will hear from others as well as from me. I hope you find support here. Hugs...

[Marina]

Welcome!
I understand the sense of loss and pain in being left out of important (and every-day) family events because of my estrangement from DS/DIL/GC.  I started to heal when I acknowledged the reality of the situation and that I had done all I could to improve the relationship.  By trying to continue to fight that reality, I was hurting myself and even making the situation worse overall. 

When thoughts of loss become excruciatingly painful, I need to stop those thoughts and put my mind elsewhere.  I found it is much like grieving the death of someone close:  I could think about what I could/should have done, what if...?  But that would just torture me to turn it over and over again in my mind.  Because my estrangement from DS/DIL/GC is not a death, I hope for a day when we can be reconciled.  In the meantime, I am working on having a network of people who care and are there for me, as I am for them. 

I found posting and reading older threads on this website helped give me insight and kept me on course.  I hope you find wise advice and support here. 

[Stilllearning]

I would add one thought to the suggestions offered here.  Since there is a day planned that will hold a special significance for the rest of your life and could be a source of pain both during the planning and in the remembering I would do this:  Take the money that I would have used on the wedding (as mother of the bride that could be a healthy sum) and plan a trip.  Is there somewhere that you have always wanted to visit but have not gone until now?  Go during the week of the wedding and plan it from now until then.  When your family brings up the wedding you tell them you hope they have a great time and then bring up your trip.  Do not let your DD and mother make you a victim.  Take charge of your own happiness by setting your goal on being happy regardless of whether you go to the wedding or not.  It is truly your choice how much you let this (and them) hurt you. 

Good Luck!!!

[Marina]

I love Stilllearning's idea.  If you choose to go on a trip, take lots of photos, very happy photos of a great time on your trip. 

[Lupita]

Oh wow!  Excellent idea to take a trip during that time!  We did the same when the step daughter was holding her wedding events over my husband's head.  Planned a weekend trip with other family members and then she backed down and we had to cancel our plans to be at the wedding.  Kind of a happy disappointment situation! 

[Pen]

Welcome, A. I'm glad you found us. As you have seen, you are not alone. I like the trip suggestion