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When I came to a total impasse with my adult, elder son, it took me a very long time to get that it was about him, not me. I tried to fix the unfixable and accept the unacceptable, believing I could somehow restore the un-restorable with my love for him. Not a working premise...since it wasn't about me in the first place.
You issues with your own mother are not about you, either. Like your daughter, she has her own agenda.
What was about me was very hard to get. It was about my own my very garden-variety expectations an the fact that no one was responsible to fulfill them. Eventually, I created new ones that offered me choice. I got that I had done my best to fulfill my mom-job and the rest was up to my adult children. They had the task to sort through it...keep what they wanted and leave the rest, mature through making their own decisions and learn from the consequences...or not.
My choices lay in what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. That was even slower to surface because in facing the necessary hurt and self-pity, It get stuck there. Finally I moved on to seeing that I mattered to me...and that was enough. I started looking for what would make my heart sing...and was surprised to find there were many things to choose from. That, for me, was where the healing showed up although the whole journey was about healing.
You will hear from others as well as from me. I hope you find support here. Hugs...