Author Topic: son says "just act like I dont exist"  (Read 4816 times)

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allcriedout

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son says "just act like I dont exist"
« on: June 22, 2010, 06:01:59 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I was looking for support and googled "lying daughterinlaw" and that is how I found your forum.  I am going to try to make my intro as brief as possible but so much has happened in the last 8 months. My 21 yr old oldest son has been married for 2 yrs and the entire time he has been stationed overseas.  They have a 1 yr old child together.  At first, I thought my DIL was the best thing ever, I have 3 sons so she was like the daughter I never had.  She has now turned into my worst nightmare!

I went to visit them last fall to meet my new grandchild and everything went great. We had a fantastic time!  One month later that all changed.  My son facebook chatted with me that DIL got mad at him and said she was going to leave him and wanted a divorce. He told me that she does that quite often, gets mad and then threatens him that she will leave. I was very careful with what I said to him because I never ever wanted to get involved with their relationship- I just wanted to be supportive to my son. He didnt understand why she got so mad, said she was used to having everything that she wanted and that he tried to tell her that they cant always have it all. I said and this is exactly what I typed, " I never pictured her as being high maintenance, i pictured her as being simple like me"  He responded, "no mom, she is not high maintenance, she just wants things that we cant get right now" I said okay and that was that. Well, you can see where this is going. She went on his computer later and read our chat and took things I said the wrong way and she totally made me out to be this horrible person. I didnt know this until a few days later when I asked my son why did he seem to be ignoring me online. He then told me that DIL had sent me an email. I read it and I couldnt believe what I was reading. She said I called her high maintenance, that I was basically calling her crazy because I recommended that they go to counseling and that only crazy people go to counseling and that she had never felt so backstabbed in all her life. She is 20 years old.  So my son stood up for her and said that she didnt twist around what I wrote, that what i said was pretty straight forward. So I write DIL back, I  thought it was a fantastic heartfelt supportive email, trying to tell her how i can relate to some of her feelings- I have been the young, military wife before who hated where we were stationed. I totally get it. Well, I dont hear anything back. I write to my son and tell him how it hurts that he is not talking to me.  He writes back and tells me that I have always played the victim, that I tried to get DIL to feel sorry for me with my email. He said that I have always done this and the only thing I couldnt do was make him hate his Dad but I brainwashed my other 2 sons to hate their dad. ( their dad left me in 2002 for a younger model - sound familiar Pooh?)  Just like Pooh's story my son and DIL are all about his Dad and stepmom and I am on the outs now. So, I am trying to condense this- the holidays were horrible.. I didnt hear from him. I found out from my youngest that she came to town while my son was deployed. She ignored my emails so I showed up on her parents doorstep. She was standoffish at first then seemed to warm up. I saw her and grandbaby on my Mother's birthday, my younger sons bday and 2 days before she left to go back overseas. In 3 months, I saw my grandbaby for a total of about 9 hours. I tried to go by her place on valentines day to give her candy and my grandbaby stuffed toy and it felt very awkward. Although she apologized for what happened, something still didnt seem right and I still wasnt hearing from my son. I tried emailing him in January and February and then he blocked me on facebook. She went back overseas end of march. I hear nothing from any of them- nothing from him for my april birthday, nothing from him on mothers day . I finally heard from him  a week after mothers day. My middle son wrote something on facebook (my oldest and his wife deleted me and my middle son off their facebooks) but my middle son doesnt have his wall marked private, so anyone can read it.  He wrote a post about the male part of the body, I am sure it is lyrics from a rap song. I commented with a silly comment, teasing him and my younger son about how they talk about the male parts so much, should i be worried. ( No, I am not against gay/lesbian, we were just joking). My middle son comments with "other son should be the one you are worried about, he had only 1 girlfriend in high school and he married her, hahaha, coverup" I said,  "you have a point there"    Youngest son writes, "hahaha, Mom called other son gay."  it was clearly a joke...everyone else could see that it was a JOKE!!  Well DIL must have been just lurking waiting for my oldest sons name to come up in any capacity, told him that we were trash talking him so mid may I finally get an email from him and this is what he wrote:

"So this is the first time I have talk to you in months and its not about anything good. Wife just stumbled upon your guys' trash talk session on brothers facebook. Do all of you really have the need to talk about me behind my back. Brother hates me for no reason just because you went crying to him like you always do to anyone just trying to get people to feel sorry for you, so i have lost all hope for you or him.  Other brother was the only decent one but he seems to actually think I'm "gay" now too. You have sucessfully earned yourself to seriously never talk to me again, and no wife isn't my "cover-up" incase you were all still wondering. Wife and I would like you to take all pictures of us and our daughter off your facebook/myspace, just dont talk about us anymore. Act like i never exsisted if thats how you want to look at it. All these years Dad never said anything about you but i can see where he is coming from all of you guys are emotionally unstable and it seems like im the only sane one. Anyways good luck!"

I was devastated and if that wasnt bad enough DIL also wrote ( I took out the foul language):

"i can't even believe you. how could you trash talk one of your children, & think it's totally ok? honestly, how can you even call yourself a mother?
i TRIED to like you. i put all my power into it... & what i read about husband's "cover up" completely disgusted me & put the cherry on top of an already ruined relationship.
Husband has not said ONE THING about you people EVER.... yet you all still continue to (explicit) talk about him. are you people that (explicit) bored with your own lame-ass lives? i honestly think you need help, which is ironic because of all you've done to pursue your "dream job".
seeing what kind of person you really are, i realized that you people are not the type of people i ever want my children around. i'd rather have them grow up not having to deal with all your (explicit). remove every detail, picture, whatever of us from everything. i do not want any connection between you & my family. i give you permission to tell all your friends or whoever that will listen to you about what i'm saying now, since i know that's what already going to happen anyways.... i know how important it is for you to get people to feel sorry for you. "

My granddaughters bday was beginning of june, I went ahead and sent her a package. This is what my son wrote in response to receiving the package:
"when i told you to never talk to me again i meant it.  that includes sending any mail.  we got your package and they didn't let us send it back so we are gonna send it back in a different box.  we made it very clear that we didn't want any association with you and that includes our kids.  you lost the right to call yourself a grandma to our daughter so stop."

I received the package one week later. The card was the only thing missing. So it makes me wonder if they opened it to see what I wrote and then ripped it up.  The sad thing, DIL is pregnant again and due in September. I heard from friends who are still on their facebooks that its another girl.     cannot believe this is happening to me. It sometimes feels like a dream. I have always been there for my son and for him to defend his Dad like he does now is a big kick in the gut to me. I know that DIL is talking to the stepmom and that she loves the fact that my son and DIL have turned on me. So I am sure she is fueling a lot of this along with the DIL.  I helped the DIL a lot when they were first married. Her parents didnt agree with the marriage, she stayed at my house for 3 months before she got approved to join my son overseas.  I loaned them money to get her overseas dental. I sent them Christmas gifts, baby gifts, visited them over there and spent so much money during my trip so we could have the best time ever. My exhusband lied about why he couldnt go over there to see him and turned around and took a trip to a tropical island instead.  Its just all very hurtful. I cant believe my son has totally cut me out of his life and that he now is in this wonderful relationship with my exhusband and his wife.   This is a start to my story. Sorry for the length but I wanted to tell you as much as possible and hope that I can find support here.

Sandy
« Last Edit: June 23, 2010, 10:09:10 AM by allcriedout »

cadagi101

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2010, 06:24:33 PM »
You sound such a loving and wonderful person.  Please know I am thinking of you and was very sad to hear how hurt you are.  You will get so much support here from girls who can relate to your story.
Love and thoughts
Julia

 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2010, 08:19:38 PM »
Wishing you well. There are better days ahead. I think it would be wise to modify your post and remove peoples names. It works well to be anonymous here. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2010, 05:46:05 AM »
Bless your heart, allcriedout.  Yes, it does sound familiar.  But you know what, I am proof that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  It may be a totally different light, but it is light.  Be good to yourself and take care of you now.  I was so used to being a Mother and doing everything, I had no idea how to do things for myself.  It's a learning process and you have to take it in stages as you will learn here.

Stage 1 - Do something for yourself
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

allcriedout

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2010, 10:12:17 AM »

I thought about removing their names in their emails before I posted it. Thanks for the advice, I modified it.

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2010, 10:24:35 AM »
Good for you. I'm the only who uses names. It's my website and so I use my name and my son's. He's our webmaster, Kirk VandenBerghe...but I think it's safer for others to cover their tracks.  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2010, 10:33:10 AM »
There was one thing in your post that really stood out to me.  When your son said, "Wife STUMBLED upon the facebook trash talk."  Ok, that's bull.  She didn't stumble, she went looking.  If you are blocked, you don't see their status messages unless you go to their page (given your's is not set to private) and look! 

That in itself says to me she was looking for things to use against you.  And my Grandma always said if you want to go looking for trouble, you will find it.  It wouldn't have matter what you were writing, joking or not, she was looking for trouble.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
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allcriedout

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2010, 11:08:04 AM »

Thats right she didnt "stumble upon" it. She was waiting for the instant when her husbands name was mentioned in any slight capacity. As you notice, the thread started with me joking about my other two sons. My son#2 brought up Son#1's name and all I said "You have a point" It was CLEARLY A JOKE!! Son #2 doesnt make his wall private because he is a very outspoken who cares what you think type kid.  A few months ago, their stepmom did the same thing. Looked at son#2's wall and saw a comment that son#3 made about her. She told my exhusband who then called up my youngest son and told him that he needed to respect his stepmom.  So the DIL and stepmom are two peas in a pod!    It makes me wonder what would have happened had I not written "you have a point" and at that point it was only son#2 who brought up his brothers name. I dont know but clearly she is the one who has too much time on her hands. I know it has a lot to do with her insecurities and I also know for sure that my sons stepmom is getting involved. A friend of mine wrote to my son and DIL trying to be the peacemaker without my knowledge until DIL wrote me a nasty email telling me to stop talking about them to everyone. In DIL's email to my friend, she clearly states that she is getting their Dad's side of the story and that they are positive that they made the right decision in cutting me and my other two boys out of their lives. I know her information is coming from the stepmom. My exhusband is not much into computers, email, social network sites, etc...  It was devastating for me to read the correspondance between DIL and my friend- more lies!! I decided at that point, I cant handle it. Asked friends NOT to tell me anything anymore and I have blocked DIL on facebook.

catchingup

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2010, 04:46:57 PM »
 
The more people I meet the more I like my dog.

MagicGram

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2010, 06:41:17 PM »
I was looking for support and googled "lying daughterinlaw" and that is how I found your forum.

Your story is very sad and hurtful, but I don't see where she lied.  What you don't want to do right now is escalate. Don't turn misunderstandings and hurt feelings into lying.  Not even in your private mind.  It seeps out and right now you need to look at things with brutal realism.  It doesn't sound like she lied.  Other things are going on, but not lying.

At first, I thought my DIL was the best thing ever, I have 3 sons so she was like the daughter I never had.  She has now turned into my worst nightmare!

Common mistake.  She's not the daughter you never had.  She is her mother's daughter.  A mother-daughter relationship with a 20-year old woman took 20 years to develope.  It was never possible for her to be like your daughter.  You may not realize it, but you of course have, unconscious expectations of a what a daughter would be like.  The chances of your expectations matching her expectations of a MIL was almost nothing.  While it's possible over time that a MIL/DIL relationship can feel like a mother-daughter relationship, it doesn't happen in 2 years long distance.  It will be helpful to you to acknowledge that you might have had unrealistic expectations of her that interfered with your ability to get to know the real her.

Also it is hyperbole to say she is your worst nightmare.  There are worst things.  Brain  cancer comes to mind.  The death of one of your children. Nuclear bombs.  Kidnapping, torture, and public beheading.  If you allow hyberbole to rule your feelings, you will find yourself over reacting.  That won't help you now.

My son facebook chatted with me that DIL got mad at him and said she was going to leave him and wanted a divorce. He told me that she does that quite often, gets mad and then threatens him that she will leave. I was very careful with what I said to him because I never ever wanted to get involved with their relationship- I just wanted to be supportive to my son....

Okay, I don't think you did anything purposefully wrong. You certainly weren't mean or malicious or meddling.  However, the position your son put you in was a no win one.  I can see you answered carefully, however, as you now know, not carefully enough.  One must NEVER in any way criticize one spouse to another.  Did you criticize?  I don't think so, but I can see how she thought so: he complained about a problem (which he NEVER should have done to you), and you immediately jumped to the worst case scenario: that she's high maintenance.  From her 20-year old point of view, she suspected you've thought all along she was high maintenance and was jumping on the first piece of evidence.  She never absorbed the part where you said, "I never pictured her as...".  Her eyes jumped to 'she is high maintenance'. 

The only thing anyone should ever say to one spouse about another when they confide in their problems is, "I'm sure you will work it out."  It can even be tricky to stick up for her, because if you don't stick up for her the way she'd stick up for herself, she can be offended.  You can only say vague things like, "I'm sure you'll work it out.  She's a lovely person." 

I'm sorry you fell into that trap.  Your son put you in a no win situation when he whined to you about her.  He was the one who was really at fault.  He violated the trust in the marriage.  Likely she senses his betrayal, and is projecting her anger (which is justified) at him onto you.  It's easier that way.  Just as you are projecting your anger at your son (who was the one who was wrong here, not you, not her) onto her.  It's easier to be mad at the 'other woman' than at the man in the middle who betrayed both his wife and mother and set up a bad situation.

She went on his computer later and read our chat and took things I said the wrong way and she totally made me out to be this horrible person.

She took it the way she took it; she's not wrong here.  People are entitled to their feelings and thoughts, even if you don't agree with them.  She's not a mind reader and can't know how you meant something.  It would be nice if she gave you the benefit of doubt, but for her own reasons she didn't.

She said I called her high maintenance, that I was basically calling her crazy because I recommended that they go to counseling and that only crazy people go to counseling...

Did you recommend counselling?  I don't see anything wrong with that, but it changes your story as you reported it above.  Apparently there was more to the conversation than you are admitting to here.  You made it sound like you said two things: the sentence about how you never saw her as high maintenance, and 'okay'.   There's more to this story, though, isn't there?

  So my son stood up for her and said that she didnt twist around what I wrote, that what i said was pretty straight forward.

Sounds like your son also twisted your words around, or else your words were not as straightforward as you think.  Again, the bigger problem is your son...and I don't know if this is true or not, but it might also be a tendency on your part to minimize your part in the problem.  It's a natural response, but it will not help you here in fixing the problem. 

 So I write DIL back, I  thought it was a fantastic heartfelt supportive email, trying to tell her how i can relate to some of her feelings- I have been the young, military wife before who hated where we were stationed.... He writes back and tells me that I have always played the victim, that I tried to get DIL to feel sorry for me with my email. He said that I have always done this and the only thing I couldnt do was make him hate his Dad but I brainwashed my other 2 sons to hate their dad. ( their dad left me in 2002 for a younger model - sound familiar Pooh?)...

I can see how easily you can make a misstep here.  You are trying to empathize and show solidarity and understanding.  Bless your heart for that.  It's a kind thing to do.  But again, it can be clumsy.  The problem is, you don't really know what their problems are and what's causing them.  If you think it's because they hate where they are living, but the truth is they are mismanaging money (just pulling something out of thin air), then your sympathy makes no sense and they wonder wth you are thinking.  It puts them on the defensive.

The response your son gives is very interesting.  He accuses you of always playing the victim, trying to rope other people into feeling sorry for you, trying to brainwash (or more likely recruit) your sons, and implies that you haven't gotten over the divorce.

None of these accusations are about or from your DIL.  They refer to things that happened before he married her or maybe even knew her, to things that occurred when he was 12 or 13 and onward.  This is the root of your problem with your son: it's not your daughter in law, it's that you and he have unresolved issues from when you and his father divorced.

Also, their relationship with his father and stepmother has nothing to do with you.  Let it go.  It's not a competition, it doesn't matter if your X and his new wife don't like you.  Don't go there, you have nothing to win. 

 I found out from my youngest that she came to town while my son was deployed. She ignored my emails so I showed up on her parents doorstep.

That was rude, just to show up uninvited.  You were pushy and don't be surprised if you hear about it in the future. 

  I tried to go by her place on valentines day to give her candy and my grandbaby stuffed toy and it felt very awkward. 

  Although she apologized for what happened, something still didnt seem right and I still wasnt hearing from my son.

As you can see from this, your DIL is trying to get along; the problem is your son.  You had a more troubled relationship with him than you realized and it's being played out over this drama.  You cannot fix things until you and your son resolve the divorce issues and your behavior during and after the divorce, and his complaint about your habit (as he sees it) of playing victim. 

It's easy to say, "Oh no, I don't play victim." But he thinks you do.  And he has reasons for thinking that (which have nothing to do with DIL or stepmother or his father).  You are going to have to stretch yourself to understand his point of view.  And I submit for your consideration, that maybe you do.  It would not be something easy to recognize in oneself.  Whiny people almost never realize they are whiny.  Needy clingy people almost never characterize themselves that way.  And people who play victim usually don't recognize they are doing it either.  I'm not saying you are (or that you are whiny or needy), only that you need to honestly consider that you may give that impression to your son.

...He wrote a post about the male part of the body ... I said,  "you have a point there"    Youngest son writes, "hahaha, Mom called other son gay."  it was clearly a joke...everyone else could see that it was a JOKE!! 

That it was a joke does not make it right or kind.  'Joking' is one of the favorite methods used by passive aggressive people to strike back.  It's a way to be hostile and aggressive without taking responsibility for it.  And you had a reason to strike back.  Your son cut you off before your DIL did, he skipped your birthday and Mother's day, and went a couple months ignoring you.  You must have been so hurt--and angry.  You are not wrong to be angry.  You feel what you feel.  But... it was tactless and unkind to joke about your son's masculinity with his brothers in a public forum--or even in private. 

Well DIL must have been just lurking waiting for my oldest sons name to come up in any capacity, told him that we were trash talking him

You are walking down the wrong path here, allowing yourself to be diverted by your DIL's involvement.  It was public, she saw it, and she didn't have to tell him you were trash talking him: he no doubt read EXACTLY what you wrote and he clearly thought you were trash talking him too.

"So this is the first time I have talk to you in months and its not about anything good... Do all of you really have the need to talk about me behind my back.

He has a good point here.

Brother hates me for no reason just because you went crying to him like you always do to anyone just trying to get people to feel sorry for you, so i have lost all hope for you or him.  Other brother was the only decent one but he seems to actually think I'm "gay" now too. You have sucessfully earned yourself to seriously never talk to me again..."

There is apparently history between him and his brothers.  And again your son is accusing you of crying victim and recruiting allies.  This issue is not going to go away until you address it.  And the best way to address it is to take yourself to counselling and review your behavior regarding this charge.  And get expert help on how to handle it. It's beyond the ability of a forum to advise.  However, be aware, that this will never just go away by itself.  You will have to address it with him, and you will have to address it carefully, because it will be very easy to make it worse.  Get professional help with this.

....and no wife isn't my "cover-up" incase you were all still wondering.

Okay, apparently he is quoting you to yourself.  When on earth did you ever accuse his wife of being his cover-up?  That's insulting and out of line on your part.  And it's part of his anger with you.  It sounds like you owe him an apology.  Again, discuss this candidly with a therapist, and follow the therapist's advice on how to proceed with fixing it.

  All these years Dad never said anything about you but i can see where he is coming from all of you guys are emotionally unstable ...

Again, you have pre-DIL unresolved divorce issues.  They will not go away by themselves.  You need to address them.  You cannot blame them on dad or DIL or stepmother.  This is between you and your son.  He believes what he's saying and probably a whole lot more, and frankly, you do sound bitter about the divorce, dad and stepmom.  It's very hard to heal from infidelity and betrayal.  It's possible that you have some post traumatic stress or depression about it and are acting out in ways that aren't best for you.  I'm not saying that's true, but it would be a reason for your son's opinion and perhaps for a feeling of being victimized (sounds like you were, but not by your son or your DIL, but by your X).  It may be a reason, but it's not an excuse.  Go talk to someone.  You deserve to be happier.  You deserve to heal.  You deserve an ally that really can help.

Your DIL wrote what she wrote because you hurt her husband, and because she's personally seen some things that she didn't like.  She's frustrated and angry.  Frankly, she's not the issue and I'd just ignore her letter.  It doesn't mean anything except that she's frustrated with the relationship with you and she's hurting on behalf of her husband.

My granddaughters bday was beginning of june, I went ahead and sent her a package.

Why would you do this?  I'm on your side and I think you were stirring the pot.  Come on now, they made it clear they didn't want contact with you at this time.  Why blatantly disrespect their wishes?  How could it have ever possibly have made things better.  Your granddaughter is too young to know if you remembered her birthday or not, so you didn't do it for her.  Why did you do it?  I'm at a loss.  Is negative attention better than no attention?  Did you hope they'd pretend nothing happened and just carry on like there wasn't a problem?  Did you think they'd be 'bought' by a gift and obligated to be nice to you (were you trying a gift-with-strings strategy)?  Were you purposely poking the sleeping bear?  If you want to fix things with your son, you are going to have to answer this question honestly. 

The sad thing, DIL is pregnant again and due in September. I heard from friends who are still on their facebooks that its another girl.  I  cannot believe this is happening to me.

I am sorry. It is sad.  I feel bad for you. 

]I have always been there for my son and for him to defend his Dad like he does now is a big kick in the gut to me. I know that DIL is talking to the stepmom and that she loves the fact that my son and DIL have turned on me. So I am sure she is fueling a lot of this along with the DIL.

Why is the subject of dad coming up?  You were divorced 8 years ago.  Dad has nothing to do with you or your son.  If the subject of dad comes up, your son SHOULD defend him.  That's his father.  Don't bring up the subject of dad.  If he is bringing it up out of nowhere (hard to believe, children of divorce desperately avoid talking about one parent to the other), but if he is, it's only more evidence that there are unresolved issues between your son and you regarding the divorce.

Give up the competition between you and the stepmom.  Why torture yourself imagining anything about her.  She has nothing to do with your relationship with your son.  You might want to think that she's turning your son against you.  But if you had a strong, healthy relationship with your son, she would not be able to do so--just as you have not been able to turn your son against his dad.  Do I think they discussed the package you sent after being told not to for your granddaughter's birthday?  Maybe, but it signifies nothing--except that you made a choice that gave them something to talk about. 

  I helped the DIL a lot when they were first married.

Is this more gifts-with-strings attached?  I assume you gave freely and only what you wanted and could afford to give?  If you helped your DIL, then you also helped your son.   You appear to have expectations of something because you did this that was not understood by your son and his wife.  Was it undying loyalty to you against your ex?  When people realize that there is hidden expectations behind a gift, they feel betrayed.  Gifts can sometimes feel like Trojan horses. 

My exhusband lied about why he couldnt go over there to see him and turned around and took a trip to a tropical island instead....I cant believe my son has totally cut me out of his life and that he now is in this wonderful relationship with my exhusband and his wife.

What on earth does this have to do with anything between you and your son and your DIL and you being cut off?  Are you trying to say, "I'm the good parent, he's the bad parent. You should love me more."?  The story you are presenting is: I made a couple innocent mistakes, and did a couple mean things, I got cut off, I don't feel I deserve such a heavy penalty because some of it is due to misunderstanding and out of my own hurt; how come I'm cut off when my X is not, I did more for them; X didn't just betray me, he's betraying my son, and my son isn't reacting the way I think he should.

If that's how you really feel, there's no shame in that.  Feelings are feelings, thoughts come into our head without invitation.  However...it is up to you to manage your thoughts and feelings and actions and words responsibly.  Therapy would be helpful, you need to unburden your heart and professional guidance on how to repair this delicate relationship. 

I wish you great luck, and you are in my prayers.

MagicGram

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2010, 06:56:14 PM »

Thats right she didnt "stumble upon" it. ... clearly she is the one who has too much time on her hands. I know it has a lot to do with her insecurities ...

It doesn't matter if she stumbled on it or is monitoring the page.  This is not the problem or issue.  And if she's pregnant, keeping house, and has a year old baby, she does NOT have too much time on her hands, probably not as much as you have on yours.  Beig negative and snarky about your DIL is going to hurt you.  It's time to give it up.

And do you not have any insecurities?  You have exhibited a couple in your post.  Most people have insecurities.  All you can do is work on your own.  What have you done to fix your own faults?

  A friend of mine wrote to my son and DIL trying to be the peacemaker without my knowledge ...

I'm sorry your friend did that.  She made everything worse and owes you and DIL an apology.   It's wise tof you to say you don't want to know what's going on with your son/DIL and your X and his wife.  Because that's not where the problem is.  The problem is personal and private between you and your son, and if that relationship was right, nobody else could interfere..  Get the relationship with your son strong and healthy, and watch all the other problems melt away without much more efort on your part.

Hope

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2010, 06:16:54 AM »
Allcriedout,
I can feel the pain in your post.  You obviously have been through a great deal of hardship and need support and understanding at this point.  You were betrayed by your husband after building a family together and unfortunately you cannot avoid the fact that you will still have to interact with him through events with your children.  Your ds/dil were very young at the time they married and obviously have a lot of maturing to do.  Young adults often misunderstand situations such as yours and make the mistake of thinking that you are looking for sympathy, when in truth you are being human.  What you have endured is heartbreaking and it sounds as though you have done all you can in your power to support your os/dil.  I think it would be wise to withhold any talk, teasing or otherwise, about your dil and ds as it is clear that they are very sensitive.  While reading your post, my thoughts were to take a huge step back and allow them to come to you after things settle down.  It may take a very long time, but eventually they are going to find fault in most everyone else they are dealing with and you are going to look a lot better to them.  In the meantime, counseling would help you to deal with your hurt and the steps needed to reconcile with your ds/dil. 
Hugs, Hope   

Offline Pen

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2010, 08:33:26 AM »
Hope, it's good to see your smiling face once again! I like your post.

ACO, I'm sorry you're going through this.

This site has helped me immeasurably, but I still don't understand how adult children, DILs, and other people can think that it should be easy for mothers to walk away from their years of nurturing. Even if we're accomplished career women with rich, full lives, the time we put into raising our children is important. Sometimes it seems as if we're expected to just walk away with our memories as if those years never existed for us. A big chunk of our lives is wiped away. We don't even get a gold watch! We don't dare express our feelings for being seen as overly emotional, clingy, or needy.

I first experienced this when my dad married a woman who did not accept me or my sibling. We didn't exist for her to the point of being excluded in what they said were "family celebrations." When we did see them we couldn't talk about anything that happened before Stepmother entered the picture, thus wiping away our childhoods (mom had passed on soon after the divorce.) When DS married a "cut from the herd" DIL, all those feelings of rejection, abandonment, loss of a loved one and the erasure of my past came flooding back. I was determined to fight for my right to exist! But the more I fought, the more emotion I displayed & the further DS & DIL moved away.

We can't change them. We can only change our reactions to them and work on healing ourselves. It seems like defeat at first, which is hard for a devoted mother to succumb to since we're hardwired to fight fight fight for our kids, but it really is about loving ourselves, accepting what we cannot change, and moving on. Sometimes doing those things for ourselves gives the other parties enough breathing room to also heal, mature, and reconnect with us. If not, we're healthier and better able to enjoy a fulfilling life anyway.

Best wishes to you as you continue this journey. We're here for you, and we're learning right along with you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2010, 10:04:11 AM »
My guess is that people don't "think it's easy for us to walk away"...they just don't think at all. We're not on their radar screens as living, breathing entities. Just my take of course...but being insular and self-absorbed often looks like the"norm" in these situations to me. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: son says "just act like I dont exist"
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2010, 10:29:25 AM »
I agree Luise, I think the only "thinking" some of them do are thinking of themselves.  I think we were raised in generations where we were taught to think charitably.  We were supposed to think of others first, whether that be friends, family or complete strangers.  So we struggle with DILS/MILS that only think of themselves and seem to never consider others.

The back-lash of that is we were not raised to do things for ourselves.  It was always others first so it is sometimes hard to fathom that we should be selfish and do things for ourselves. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell