August 22, 2019, 02:21:11 pm


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Son blames his depression on me

Started by kathy T, November 02, 2016, 08:37:31 am

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kathy T

My 22 year old son, has just recently told us he has been suffering depression for years and as his mother I should have known. Looking back he was a very bad tempered teen, who spent most of his time in his bedroom on his computer, but I thought that was normal for a teenage boy. He today said that the reason he did badly in school was because when he was 6 he asked me a question and I shouted at him. This caused he to be afraid to asking questions so he was never to engage in school ever again. He also said that we told him to think before he spoke on quite a few occasions so thats why he cant speak to people. All told to us in floods of tears.
He is in therapy and I can see that he is very unhappy but feel he is looking at any negative comment made in the last 20 years to be the reason for his problems. He can't be bothered to go to work and is being supported by myself and my husband which we cant afford. We seem to have good weeks where I think there is some improvement then everything goes black again. We both love him dearly but don't know  how to deal with things. We feel like we are walking on egg shells. I know he lies to me about a lot of things so I cant believe that he is telling me the truth that he has stopped smoking weed. (I said if I found any in the house he would have to leave)
We want to give the therapy a chance but feel that he is taking us down into depression. 


Welcome, K. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website. I would also suggest that you change your User Name to one what wouldn't identify you.

Blame is something that worked for my eldest son, as well. He didn't have to be responsible for anything when adulthood loomed. My second son, our Webmaster here, took a different path. When he was 21, he came to me and thanked me for all the gifts I had given him in his childhood. He said he also had his 'laundry list' of my misdeeds because it was hard to have a parent who was human and fallible when perfection would have been really great. His words. These men were raised in the same home by the same parents. How much of any of it was about me?

My take is your son has found a way to do nothing and make it your fault...with a counselor to back him up. I may be completely off base...I'm just another mom. My suggestion would be to tell him that the free ride was over and send him on his way...into maturity. Then the ball is in his court. Your job was to do your best and you did. Now it's his turn to do his best. He isn't going to like prepared. And tough love is still love with wisdom added.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


K, welcome. I hope you can find resources in your area to help you and your DS deal with these issues. In the meantime, we're here for you. Many members have had AC with similar challenges.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


K, I think that letting your DS stay in your house is hindering his development.  His next step toward maturity includes being autonomous regardless of whether he wants it or not.  Letting him stay in your house is actually doing him a disservice.  He may hate your for a while but I think the best thing you can do for him is to give him notice that he needs to move out.  Tough times ahead but your heart is in the right place.  Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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