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"My" baby and how to handle friends having issues with MIL

Started by starfire, July 21, 2016, 10:07:39 AM

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I might be the one wrong in this situation so I wanted everyone thoughts on it. I really get annoyed when my mother or MIL call my son "Their" baby. To me I am my mothers baby and my husband's is my MIL. My son is mine and my husband baby. I may feel more strongly about this because I had a difficult pregnancy and the NICU had to be in the room when I had him. It's also hard for me because I look about 10 years younger than I am, so every time we go somewhere and they refer to him as "their" baby others automatically begin talking to them like they are the mother. I have talked to my mom and my husband talked to his mother about it (since it annoys him also) and my mom has been much better. His mother however, now seems to put "my" in front of everything to do with my son, and will only share photos of my son or my son and my husband on social media. I think with my MIL it also bothers me so much because she taught her other grandson to call her "mama", even though his mother is still in the picture. Now that my nephew is older he no longer does this, but still it makes the situation even more difficult for me, since I feel like she doesn't respect me as the mother. Not only does she tell me what I am doing wrong, she has started using social media to tell my husband's and my friends her "advice" which tends to come off rather rude. Making my friends call me complaining and I apologies for my MIL. Some of our friends no longer want to show up to events where she is present, because her comments, or she makes them feel very uncomfortable (a few don't like to be touched but she tends to just go up and put her arms around them). It has gotten even more difficult since my MIL made the comment after holding our soon to be godmother's for our second child's daughter and then making the comment after she doesn't know what to do with girls so she was hoping I'd have a boy. Our 2ed child godparent was a bit put off since she grabbed her daughter to hold, and then made that comment after putting her down. My MIL then went on to say what I'm not allowed to name my daughter making future godmother more upset. I understand a bit why my friend upset but those comments I have gotten very use to, especially how she wanted me to have another boy since she also was posting it on my social media. I know I am emotional and pregnant right now so the "my" baby thing is affecting me, but is this a normal grandparent thing that I should try to move past? My MIL constantly saying how she wanted a boy is also affecting me, because it feels like she will not love this baby the same granted she won't come up to see our son really either, and I am no longer supposed to travel to other states due to if the baby would come early I would not be covered under insurance. This has upset her, and been difficult for me since I will be missing my cousin and good friends wedding but I want to watch out for my child. MIL has seen our son twice this year so I'm thinking when our daughter comes she may not care to see her. By now in our son pregnancy she has already planned to take off work to come and see him. There has been no mention of her coming to see our daughter. So how do I deal with this if MIL continues to not accept us having a daughter? Also how do I deal with friends and MIL? My husband just now gets upset when issues arise with MIL and he is scared to confront her.

Sorry that was so long but I just really needed to vent and hopefully find advice on how to approach things from here.



Hi, .S. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My suggestion would be for both you and DH to get some help by going to a counselor. When two adults marry, they start a new family unit. They create their own rules. Your MIL did that when she started out, too. Your husband is no longer her little boy and his business is no longer hers. For many of us this can be a bumpy transition. Hopefully most of us make it but some don't. For years and years, your husband was your MIL's focus. He had to be to survive. It's her job, now, to let go and find other interests beyond his marriage and his children. Her biological job is done. Please consider getting some help beyond WWU. Your marriage and your family matter...a lot! Hugs.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

Starfire, I agree with Luise but what she is saying is rational, mature and logical. And your MIL has some real issues, sounds very narcissistic to me, and you will never change her. Her words and actions are not about you. Counseling will help you get clarity about this if you can't do so on your own, it did wonders for my husband is a similar situation.   

If she is a problem on YOUR social media, set her to not get anything from you. It is not your problem if your friends don't like what she says, they can block her. You don't need to apologize. Do what my son does, make a group of people that only gets special posts and block all the relatives you don't want to see your normal stuff. She will get some stuff, maybe once a week, from you and won't have a clue she is not getting others. Do not ever respond to her posts. Son blocked family from getting his drunken photos, etc. that his friends got. I no longer do social media because of issues like you write about.