March 21, 2019, 03:44:32 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Casted 10 years still on going

Started by Misssubaru, May 08, 2016, 09:13:30 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Misssubaru

May 08, 2016, 09:13:30 am Last Edit: May 08, 2016, 09:16:59 am by luise.volta
It started 15yrs ago when my daughter got married and her new husband decided I would not be a good role model for their children (they did not have any and I am a RN and never got a speeding ticket). They no longer wanted to be associated with me. Of course it was on a day I had arrange a beautiful day at my home on the lake, food they love and drinks. (I was set up) The other sister agreed wth other sister and I cried for days. I tried to find out the reason for my sudden ban from my family. I have never gotten a straight answer what could I have done so awful to deserve this. I am sure it is punishment from divorcing their father many years ago. (I never remarried or paraded any men in front of them. I never took a dime fro him) I also never bad mouth their father. I have tried apologizing for what ever I have done. Kept thinking for sure this too shall pass. After 5 long years and no invites to the birth of 2 more grand children or any family functions just heard about them, I had it. I packed up and left to Florida. At least I am warm. I hear they are more upset with me now. I have not read anything on line yet about why children discard thier mother like this. I do think the son in law is a control freak and dose not like strong woman who do not need to e married to live a full life. I try not to cry on Mother's Day and on holidays. It's like my life never happen or they died or I died. I try not to think about it and wondering if anyone has been through this hell...thanks

luise.volta

May 08, 2016, 09:24:44 am #1 Last Edit: May 08, 2016, 05:41:25 pm by luise.volta
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me first, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My sense is that you have 'come home'. I hope as members respond to you and share with you, that's your experience.

I had to learn that what my son decided about me and taught his children, now grown, about me was about him and that if I wanted to have a life it had to be about something else. I'm 89 years old. My great great granddaughter is 22! It has been a long slow recovery but I have healed. My life is no longer about my unfulfilled expectations which were very simple. They really only contained mutual respect. I've found it elsewhere and my life is full and interesting and yes, fun.  Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

Thank you Missubaru and Luise for being here especially when you are most needed.  Mothers Day, holidays, birthdays and other family events really bring up emotional issues for me too.  I found WWU 5 years ago and have worked through a lot of the pain from not feeling close to my sons and stepsons, who are all grown up, a couple married, a couple granddaughters.  I am learning about relationships here at WWU.  Getting sound advice.  When you share and read, I hope you discover like I did that there is a comfort that comes from seeing others experience what I feel.  The details of our situations often are similar, but not exact.  Yet I found peace in sharing, trying to understand and a way to get through my pain without continuing to hurt.  My motto is that I Will Not Devalue Myself in the Face of Adversity.  God Bless You!  I know that the connections you have from birth with your family can never be denied, only ignored.  Respect and love yourself no matter what!   Hugs to you!

Bamboo2

Welcome, MissSubaru, and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your adult children.  The first thought that came into my head when I read your story is something Luise is fond of saying: you can't make sense of the senseless.  Additionally, you can drive yourself to distraction trying to make sense of it and apologize for unknown reasons in an effort to change relationships. You have found that this does no good, and there is no self-respect in it.  You made a courageous step in moving to Florida.  Good for you!  Time to focus on yourself now and those who want to be around you, and to find the joy in life where you can.  I think you will find a lot of stories on this forum that you can relate to.  This website is chock full of wisdom and comfort.  I have read most every thread in the sons and daughters section, and trust me, it took months to get through them all.  There are a multitude of  "ah-hah" moments. (I've written down some of my favorites and occasionally reread them as needed). I encourage you to read some more threads; there is strength in numbers and a sisterhood of moms who have been in similar circumstances and find their way through them.  You will, too.  Hugs!

Green Thumb

Mother's Day is always bittersweet, isn't it? This year was better for me than most years but there have been times when my AC totally ignored me and we all lived in the same community. Missubaru, it could be that your exhusband bad mouths you and/or the son in law doesn't want competition for his wife's attention and love. Like others have said, we can't make sense of the senseless. I'll add you can't make irrational people behave rationally, we can't use logic and hope they'll be logical. Most of us here just try to make a good and happy or satisfactory life. Many of us just accept what is and try not be grief stricken every day all day. We were good mothers, we were nurturing, we loved our kids but... estrangement happens. Dr. Joshua Coleman has a good book and I think this advice of his is very true: (paraphrasing) Older generations expected the children to win the parent's approval but current generations expect the parents to win the child's approval. That may mean they expect the parent to give, give, give and not have a life. Or maybe they think they can be abusive and mean and we just take it and roll over for more. You are among friends here, we support and encourage each other and hopefully, you'll find the same.

gettingoldandcranky

Used to love holidays but now dread them. Hard to see families together with happy pictures and lovely gifts and i would be happy if the phone rang.  Just overwhelmed with sadness again

Bamboo2

Love this inspirational reply, TG  :D

shiny

Missubaru, so sorry for your pain ... it hurts badly, I know.

I'm having some weak moments now, too.
And lately have been reminded of two statements -- one is inspirational; the other, well, not sure.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

And,

"This too shall pass -- all is well."

I agree with the others here -- and continue reading this forum for insight. It may take some time, but it will help, especially when you focus on anything other than the sad circumstance.

Blessings to you ...

kate123

Missy- so sorry for the years of pain, I think most everyone here has gone through this "hell" and know exactly what you mean. Good for you- moving to Florida rather than sit and hope things might change. It seems that once this pattern is set, things don't change. I can't say it ever gets easier to live with, it is like a death of sorts and you have to live with it. The best remedy is to keep busy doing something, be it working, gardening, taking classes, whatever. If you sit and ponder on it all too often, it WILL make you crazy!
And, keep on this site for support- it has saved me many a day and night.  :)

Pen

Welcome to this wonderful community, Misssubaru! Please keep reading and posting. This site helped me get through my dark days and move forward. You will find your way. I still have rough times, but they don't last as long and I am better able to cope now. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb