Author Topic: My Story  (Read 2289 times)

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MLW07

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My Story
« on: June 18, 2010, 01:00:51 PM »
I will give you a little of the back-story. From the time, DH proposed things went south. The wedding was not about us it was about accommodating MIL’s family. DH and I almost did not get married and almost divorced from this whole thing.

The wedding drama was awful to deal with. My family and I tried to be very accommodating… probably too accommodating. My mom even advised MIL to back off and MIL’s response was “MLW hasn’t met this hardheaded Czech woman.” The wedding was a huge stressor because DH was trying to please MIL’s family and me. The worst part was when MIL insisted that her brother be invited to the wedding. DH and I both wanted nothing to do with him after her brother verbally attacked MIL, came after me in a physical way and then threatened to kill FIL and DH  while punching them and throwing them to the ground. That was just one of the many things. It was also made very clear that I was to join their family and ditch mine. They made no attempt to join as a family. That is all DH and I wanted.

After the wedding, all there was from MIL was complaints about our wedding and we were constantly being order to attend functions and events. We were never asked we were ordered. Things just went down hill from there.

When DH’s grandmother was in the hospital DH and I both made a trip to Houston after work to go visit. We did not get back home from the hospital until after 1:00 in the morning. MIL proceeded to call DH and leave a nasty message telling him how selfish he was for not calling his grandmother. Me being me and being very protective of my loved one’s did something very stupid and that I regret. I shot off an email to MIL questioning her behavior (I shouldn’t have). In response, MIL sent the email to DH’s 18 year old cousin and she forwarded the email to the entire family. Needless to say, some very hateful things were said in return. DH and I were told we were not welcome around the family and that they hated me and always had. It was even said that I “ruined my wedding with my presence.” MIL and FIL did not dispute anything that was said. It was swept under the rug and she defended her family.  No one disputed the things that were said by both 18 year old cousins.

Things went further down here from there. When Ike came through we stayed with the IL’s, I was willing to let bygones be bygones, but MIL would not have it. At Christmas (2008) she demanded that we have Christmas in Bay City and neither DH nor I wanted to as she was ambushing us with the family that had said such hateful things. DH said MIL told him that I was no longer welcome at any of the families’ houses and it was time for him to choose. He chose me (he should have never been put in this situation).

We have tried with them, I have bent over backwards, and DH has been hurt. We tried to be a family (but I was not allowed to have mine). I was expected to ditch my family. We even invited the IL’s to my families Thanksgiving and were told no. They wanted to be with the MIL’s family.

DH has said to me that he and I tried our best and that it is up to all of them to fix it. He does not believe they will and they do not think they are at fault (at all). He has lost all faith in them and even questions their love for him.

I want DH to have some normalcy. You will never know how much this has broken my heart. I absolutely hate it for DH and I frankly do not understand how a mother and father can sit by and have nothing to do with their son. It was always made clear that her siblings, godchildren, and nieces and nephews were more important to her. I wish and pray that things were different, but DH and I both have made peace that we have done everything in our power to change things. They really do not know what they are missing out on. My DH and I have lived through this situation and it is pure hell. DH and I almost did not make it through our 1st and 2nd year of marriage. I have not been made aware of everything that happened last Christmas (DH doesn’t like to talk about it), but it changed his whole perspective and he whole-heartedly believes that we are no longer at fault. DH and I both take responsibility for our part in this mess, the unfortunate thing is no one else is. It all is blamed on me and several lies have been told about me.

There is so much more that I have not told you, but this is the jest of it. I never dreamed anything like this would happen and I wish we were one big happy family. There has been a lot of damage done and we are owed a sincere apology from all of them (we have apologized for our part and taken responsibility).


This is only the half of it.  MIL made our wedding so miserable we want a do-over.

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Story
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2010, 01:24:46 PM »
Bless your heart.  What terrible hurts she has caused you and your DH.  I know you hate it that your DH was forced into making a choice, but good for him to choose you!  They should have never put him or you in that position.

I know you want to have a relationship with them and you would like to be a big happy family, but from your post here and other things you have posted, I think you are better off without them.  They sound very toxic for you and your DH.  You deserve tons of respect for all your attempts.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

1Glitterati

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Re: My Story
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2010, 01:33:59 PM »
Have a do-over.  Renew your vows.  Have a ceremony and invite only those you want to invite.  If you can...do what you wanted to do in the first place.  If you can't...then figure out what you can do and have a ceremony that is free of their taint.

There isn't going to be any moving forward with these people.  The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  Honestly...get out now.  You dh needs to get into therapy to deal with his feelings and issues about the way they are.  Y'all should probably attend therapy together also so you can present a unified front when the drama starts.

Based on what little you've posted...I'd run far and I'd run fast from having anything to do with any of his family.  Ever.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2010, 02:50:05 PM »
Oh, wow...what a mess. I think the renewing of your vows is a brilliant idea! You owe them nothing to my way of thinking. You were young...they were supposedly "mature." You think? Move on and let it go. Whew! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

kathleen

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Re: My Story
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2010, 03:26:39 PM »
MLW & all,

Why have weddings become such drama-fatigues?  I loathe them.  Why can't weddings be simple, the way they used to be, married at home or under a linden tree?  To think that you nearly broke up over it is impossible for me to fathom.  I, personally, have attended my last frills-and-furbelows, ridiculously complicated, over-blown, tasteless-ly expensive wedding, where the bride, who has lived with her fiance for months if not years, is wearing white, and bridesmaids are wearing the ugliest possible dresses ever created, and the stress in the church is so palpable that it's not even funny.  I remember once when I was very young going to a wedding where we sat in the non-air-conditioned August heat, while much time passed beyond the start time, and then the bride finally appeared.  By then my father was sleeping under his sunglasses.  She had spent a half-hour in the ladies room throwing up from the tension.  This is an enjoyable event???? How nice it would be to have a small family-friendly event, not a spectacle.  My wedding was small, simple and lovely.  My DIL demanded money from us for hers, which cost them enough for a down payment on a house, was tension-ridden from the get-go, a horserace to make sure her family came out first in the derby, and a pageant for the inflamed ego of the bride.  She never got the money out of us.  Score one.

Enough already.

Just my two cents.

Kathleen

MLW07

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Re: My Story
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2010, 04:28:06 PM »
Thank you all for the support.  I forgot to mention that she verbally attacked me at my bridal luncheon on our wedding day.  I think my DH has made peace with the situation, but it is hard when she calls for every special occasion.

Hugs to all.

donewithdrama

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Re: My Story
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2010, 04:31:52 PM »
If I didn't know better I'd think you and I have the same MIL!! My story is quite similar to yours. All I can tell you is it's been tough and I feel as you do, that my DH deserves a kind loving family. He's never going to get it with these sick people he has for family. The ladies here are kind and supportive and have helped me not to form a completely negative image of ALL MIL's. As long as the two of you vow to support each other and have each other's backs you will be fine. Hugs to you  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2010, 04:57:37 PM »
What we are learning on our forum is that there are really awful MILs and DILS out there. Every once in a while I dream of loading them up on rafts together and pushing them off into shark-infested waters!  ;D  ;D  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Story
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2010, 05:22:44 PM »
Ooh we should hold a "boxing" type competion like they do in towns where anyone can come in to prove they are the baddest.  Get all the awful DILS and awful MILS and put them in the ring.  Make them fight to the end and then crown a champion!  Ok, so it's mean, but I sure would enjoy watching!  :P
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2010, 06:59:12 PM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

willingtohelp

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Re: My Story
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2010, 08:50:22 PM »
One thing I had to realize was that even without me, or even if I decided to be a total doormat, my DH would still be without a normal, loving family.  That's just how they were.  I had to look at what he had and decide what was best based on that.  Fantasy ramilies happen in Norman Rockwell paintings and the movies, real life is usually  a lot different

cremebrulee

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Re: My Story
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2010, 04:32:16 AM »
The renewing of your vows is a great idea...you could have a picnic thereafter...but it would symboloize a brand new start for both of you. 

I'm very sorry your inlaws have treated you both this way...however they were wrong, and I wouldn't fret in the least about sending that email...your only human and you did at the time what you did in defense...you have learned that you cannot get anywhere with these people, and how sad for them...

Your never going to get anywhere with these inlaws and they're extended family...resolve that in your mind and go forward...you and husband have each other and that is all that matters...what I have learned is, when a son gets married, his wife brings him a new life...and he needs to consentrate on that...yes, it would be nice if you could all get along, but that unfortunately seems impossible. 

I feel badly for both of you, and yes, it is very sad for him, however, the more contact you would have with them, the more hurt and anguish you would experience, therefore, change your attitude and know your both doing the right thing for your self preservation.

Please know your in my thoughts and prayers...this can be worked out...unfortunately, inlaws are missing out on so much, however, they created this problem not you...your better off without them in your lives...and it's ok to feel the way you do...thank God your still together.

Hugs
Creme

MLW07

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Re: My Story
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2010, 01:48:31 PM »
Thank you all for the support.  I wish it was easy to turn off caring; I hate how this turned out.  It eats me alive sometimes.  I know I need to let it go, but I just can't understand how evil people (especially family) can be.

cremebrulee

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Re: My Story
« Reply #13 on: June 19, 2010, 02:47:27 PM »
Thank you all for the support.  I wish it was easy to turn off caring; I hate how this turned out.  It eats me alive sometimes.  I know I need to let it go, but I just can't understand how evil people (especially family) can be.

yes, and that's the whole thing about it...we're not used to people like this...and when it happens, its a shock to the entire system....it's not you, it would have been anyone your husband married...they would have been the same...the mind wants to let it go, but the heart can't...in time you will...each of us is different, so the time period is never the same...however, with a lot of research into yourself...you'll build confidence and understand eventually, it is what it is, and no matter what you'd do, it still wouldn't please them.

One suggestion...try very hard to be upbeat for hubby's sake...don't discuss it much...and when he does, listen to him intently...reassure him that it's not either one of your fault...tell him you love him dearly and thank him for his support...let him know your so happy you two didn't break up over it...and someday, perhaps you both can go on a romantic trip together and renew your vows...I know a woman who did that, and they had a fantastic time...something to think about...

Hugs and keep the faith...we're all behind you...

Creme

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Story
« Reply #14 on: June 19, 2010, 07:00:22 PM »
We don't turn off caring...we start to care about and for ourselves. It's a healing process. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama