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long time severed ties-turn of events

Started by Boston Kare, January 11, 2016, 12:55:20 pm

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Boston Kare

I'm new here but my journey is almost 8 years in the making. Apologies for the long post.

My adult daughter severed ties with me 7+ years ago. Because her new husband (even though I partially financially supported them ) was controlling (among other things). I hosted their child's first birthday and they disapproved of the party theme and food; it went downhill from there.

For the first time in several years, I saw my daughter on November 5, 2015. We ran to each other and embraced, hugged, cried, and expressed love; at the time it was heartfelt and genuine, I found out several hours later it was a sad charade.

This occurred in an acute ICU hospital room in Boston. My 83 year old Mother, suffering from the beginning stages of dementia, fell down the stairs to the basement in my home while recuperating from an October  hospital stay. My beloved Mother broke her neck, was destined to be a quadriplegic, suffered complications from surgery, and passed away 4 days after her accident.

While suffering with grief, my daughter phoned me the evening prior to the funeral to berate me. For twenty minutes, she insulted and humiliated me. She attacked me viciously and with intent. I finally found my voice and hung up the phone. Despite my grief, I finally had the closure I desperately needed for the past several years.

What I hadn't known, came to light several days after the funeral.  My daughter contacted the State Medical Examiner to open an investigation in to this horrible accident; she accused me of killing or contributing to my Mother's death.

While no findings occurred, it was still devastating; I had to explain to my family (including and unknowingly to me, my daughter) why the funeral was inexcusably delayed. Family members had flown in, many in limbo because we had no clear burial date. All the while not knowing it was because of my daughter's slanderous words and accusations. After a horrific accident, days spent in an ICU ward in Boston, sleepless nights for my children and I, I found out I was accused of murdering my Mother. It was beyond horrific.

I'm writing because I'm now in a quandary. After the horrible confrontation with my daughter the night preceding my Mother's funeral, I promptly and finally wrote a will and health care proxy. I ensured that it's iron clad; my daughter will receive nothing (she and her husband received plenty, including cars, which were gifted to them while I was alive ).

They now have five children, four I have never met, and the first I have't seen since that fateful first birthday. I struggle with not leaving them anything. I also struggle with leaving strangers a portion of my estate. What my daughter did to me, and accused me of, is shameful, yet I do not want to punish innocent children. Even so, they are children that I do not know; they are strangers me.

I appreciate any input from people that may have the experience of dealing with such delicate matters~Kare


Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read me first, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

My take is that you have already made large contributions to your adult daughter and her family. I think I would do what felt right within me...not what I thought I 'should' do or a good person 'has' to do. I doubt if my worst enemy, if I had one, would to to me what your daughter did to you. It is, of course about her, not you. She's made many choices to become who she has become.

You, too, have choices. I think I would look into leaving her inheritance to the charity of my choice...in her name. It would be a loving thing to do...offer good to others and honor her.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome Boston and so sorry for everything you are going through.

My DH and I are actually having this conversation currently.  I have two Granddaughters that I have never met (due to estrangement with my OS).  Now, I'm all about that I don't owe my children any kind of inheritance.  I believe what I've worked for belongs to me, not them.  So they are not going to end up with a lot.  DH and I both plan on living how we want, not any thought to what we can leave our children.  It's basically just a legal matter we want resolved so the other two don't have to deal with it if something happens.  So I have two sons and he has one daughter. 

We are simplifying it.  Either one of us passes, the other gets everything.  If we were to both to pass at once, everything divides into thirds.  YS gets a third, DD gets a third and the other third is divided between my OS's children, to be put in trust until they are 30. So OS doesn't get anything, his children do.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Green Thumb

Boston Kare, I am so sorry for your loss and the stress of this toxic relationship with your daughter. Because that is what it is, toxic, don't you think? How horrible to be accused of what you were accused of and have the accuser basically lie to your face -- she knew what was going on and decided to play her hand silently. Daughter pretended to be your long long loving daughter, so sorry, I miss you, and then BOOM! BAM! she is accusing you of murder -- or negligence, I guess. WOW! She is not someone you can ever trust again, and I am sorry to say that. I have a daughter like her, I can never trust her to do what is right for me, what is best for me or "have my back." I have to detach and not see her much, so I feel your pain.

Although, in all truth, someone who does suspect fowl play in a situation like this is not going to tell the one they accuse that they are initiating having the authorities look into it.

The main point of my post is that it is your money and it is yours to do what you want. You don't owe this ungrateful and unkind daughter anything. I have a mean daughter also, and I am considering changing my will to leave her only a small portion. I have other adult children and do not want to totally cut her out, just reduce her portion down down down. What I am saying is, that if someone is not nice to us, is toxic to us, and can't be trusted, and puts themselves first always, then why do you leave them money? A church or non-profit that helps people in need would be a million times better use of this money.

My husband left all his money to me and cut his son out of his will, as his son will inherit from grandpa and his son is a sociopath. I told my husband recently that I expect this son to sue me and contest the will so if we ever redo our wills, please consider leaving him a token amount.

Please do a google search of the word narcissist. See if your daughter fits that bill. Or maybe the term sociopath, if you feel she has no conscience. I suspect your daughter might have thought grandma had some money and that if you were found negligent or willfully killed grandma, then daughter would get the money. This is how these people think, what is best for THEM. And how to maximize their own gain over other people.

And lastly, sorry this is so long, you struck a nerve or chord in me. Why do we nice or good people worry about doing what we need to do to those not nice and not kind people who treat us so badly? These not nice people treat us like dog crap and never look back and never care -- but we worry and fret over setting boundaries and protecting ourselves and standing up for ourselves. Obviously, this is the difference between someone with a conscience and someone without one.

Boston Kare

Thanks so much for all the replies and kind words.

One good thing did come from my daughter's recent behavior; after six long years, I now have the closure I desperately needed to move forward.

I think donating her share to a good cause is a wonderful idea; I donate toys and such during the holidays instead of buying for grandchildren I will never know.

"Green" I hope you don't have to go through a court battle but at least you sound prepared. My daughter's husband is a new minted attorney; after she berated me on the phone she called my brother (administrator of my Mom's estate) and demanded a copy of the will. I don't think my daughter is a narcissist, but she is heavily influenced by her husband; he made her move from Boston to Chicago and effectively made her distance herself from family. And she was very close to my Mom so she needed to blame someone for her grief. But, suggesting that I was instrumental in my mom's accident/death was the most vile thing I could every imagine her doing.

And "Pooh" you're right, my money (and she's received plenty from me over the years,) I don't want her to resent my two other children for their inheritance even though she doesn't have much of a relationship with them.

I'm still not sure how I feel about naming her children in my will; hopefully I'll have many  years to figure it all out though!

It's sad to have needed to find this forum but I'm thankful I did:-)

Green Thumb

BK, I had thought of something else. My husband has an aunt in her 70's, who has some kind of mental illness or personality disorder, and she got mad at her older son cause he wanted his own life. She cut him out of her will but left the grandchildren to inherit (his children) and her younger son. The family joke is that this is a small price to pay to not be at her beck and call and have to deal with her daily. So this is not unheard of in grandparents' wills.


B.K. So sorry you have gone through such traumatic events, and the loss of your mother, and over the holidays yet, just terrible. My daughter, also estranged has done and said awful things too, though not as horrible as what yours has just done. On the advice of a therapist I cut ties with her before she could do further harm, however that has not stopped her because she now contaminates my other relationships with her lies, along with my ex- two peas in a pod. So, just a warning, she may continue to wreak havoc on your life. I am so glad that nothing came of the investigation, but I can imagine how humiliating it was for you. Again, so sorry, and you are not alone in this.

As for inheritance, I asked the same question here a couple of years ago and I am going with the advice I received. Spend it now and enjoy your life! BTW, I checked out trying to leave money in a trust, but my lawyer said it would get eaten up by maintenance costs. He said if you have less than a million it is not the way to go. I have no where near that much, just a house pretty much. I will probably go with a reverse mortgage on that later. But for me, as with you, I do not even know the GC, so how do I know they would even appreciate any sacrifices. If anything remains when you die, please give it to the poor homeless who also have been abandoned by their families.  ;D

Boston Kare

thank you for all the replies. My two children and I are trying to pick up the pieces and hope the new year brings happy things.

My oldest daughter did so much more than I initially stated. Her husband is controlling (similar to my ex-husband) and I feel one day, many years in the future, she'll leave him. I say now I'll never forgive her but I really don't know.

After a contentious and drawn out divorce, I too don't have a huge estate. But I now have an iron clad will. And my daughter's five children are not named in it. My two other children are 50% 50%, I left a niece some jewelry, and wrote my oldest daughter out.

I've decided, at least for now, to not include these children, that will always be strangers to me, in my will. My daughter says terrible things about me to her friends and anyone that will listen so it will be just another thing for her list.

It's hard to believe this happens to many families. And I truly appreciate the time you all gave to offer support, suggestions,  and kind words
It helps to hear different perspectives and know it wasn't me. I will always wonder if my daughter knows what a terrible thing she did.


I wish your daughter no ill...she only has one enemy and she's wearing her shoes. I do know that often in life things return to haunt us...and we sometimes experience what we dished out. I don't call it Karma or anything else, I just call it life. Do you feel complete on this thread. Do you want me to close it now that you're 'part of the family?' Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Boston Kare

yes and many thanks, it can be closed.