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Need the opinion and advice of you Wise Women

Started by themuffin, December 29, 2015, 10:30:34 am

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Hey guys,

It's been a long while since I've been a part of these boards. The support and advice I received from you wonderful people helped me to cope during one of the hardest times of my adult life. 

I doubt anyone remembers me but I was alienated from my eldest son and his the soon to be mother of his child.  She had made it very clear that she never wanted to be friends and we'd never be close.  My son supported her but he did eventually work on healing our relationship.  Well, their daughter is now three years old and the apple of my eye and guess what??? Her mother and I are very close.  We have bonded deeply and show each other nothing but love and support.  She has written me texts and cards that have made me cry.  I call her the daughter of my heart.  So yes, it can get better! for a different son.  Middle son and I have a decent relationship and I'm very proud of him.  He has his ways but I usually just let it slide.  However, on Xmas eve my hubby and I were having a heated argument in our home.  Nothing violent, but voices (well, my voice) was raised and yes, it was late.  Hubby and I rarely ever argue so this is not normal.  Middle son knocks on the door in the middle of heated discussion and tells us that he's trying to sleep and I am being inconsiderate because he has to get up at 3 am. 

Can someone please tell me if I'm crazy to think that I shouldn't have to ask my adult son permission to have an argument with my own husband in my own house?  We were discussing something very important and we never got a chance to address it because son interrupted.  It may very well get loud again if we talk about it.  Perhaps I should ask my son if it's ok with him if his father and I talk about it a week from Thursday at 6 pm?  I don't think so!!

Any advice?  I'm willing to accept all opinions.

Thanks so much!

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Hi Muffin,
It's great to have your update about GDs mom and your now-close relationship. Just goes to show that we never know how relationships will turn out.

My first question after reading your post about the MS is why is he still living in your home?  His schedule does not coincide with yours, and it is probably challenging to keep the noise level down during his sleep time.  It is your house, and you have every right to make noise in it, unless he is a paying renter.  I'd encourage him to get his own place.


Hi, M. Of course we remember you! I echo the post above. Your home is your castle and my take is that your son's home (elsewhere) should be likewise. You both deserve that. There are always a lot of reasons coexistence with an adult child is established and continued. For me, none of them are sufficient to compromise my relationship. However, each one of us has to decide on this issue. If he guess is that you are going to have to count on its not working. You yell...he doesn't sleep. You don't can't get to sleep. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I'm imagining a conversation between you and your son starting...I love you too much to compromise our relationship...

I had planned to say something similar in anticipation of my daughter breaking up with her boyfriend.


Hi all!!!

Thanks so much for the advice!!!  :)  It's so nice to be remembered. Hugs to you luise.volta for this amazing site.

Hi Bamboo2 - Son is 26 years old and still lives with us because he simply cannot afford to live on his own.  He contributes $360 a month but that's all inclusive.  He gets cable, wifi, food, gas, electric, heat, air conditioning in the summer and use of everything we own from our 3D tv to the pool.  Why is he still there?  Because hubby and I are push overs.

I agree with you Luise. This isn't the first time he's flexed his muscles in my home.  Another time my youngest son and his girlfriend and I were spending time together. We were laughing and playing music videos...again comes the knock at the door asking us to turn it down because he's trying to sleep.  We did. Another time he complained because an older and ailing cat was urinating in front of his bedroom door.  I defended my furbaby and told him if it bothered him so much he could leave.  He didn't speak to me for a week. 

Bamboo2- I think you are right.  We need to have the "I love you too much" talk.  I didn't leave home at 19 to walk around on eggshells in my own house.  He's truly a good son, but we can no longer co-exist.  My only concern is I can't imagine where he can afford to live on his income in today's economy. 

Thanks for the kind words!

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How he solves it is his issue, right? I have friends who's AC rent a room or share a rental. DS is going to find he can't yell at others, however. He may have to change hours or find others to live with on the same shift. All his problems to solve at his age. Yep, it's hard, mom! Been there and had to eventually face the fact that it wasn't 'natural' and didn't work. Later, (much later), my eldest son thanked me for helping him 'get a life'.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi Muffin! Glad to hear things are better with DIL!

26 is a tough age for men these days, IMO. DS was on his own & married by then but very rude & dismissive of us. We could do no right according to him. 3 years later things have improved dramatically. I guess he needed those extra years to get his emotional stuff together, or maybe he finally felt he'd accomplished something (grad school degree) and felt more secure about being a true adult.

My friends w/sons in that age range are also having a rough go. Big tough guys who get upset when their parents tangle! My DS got very agitated if he sensed DH & I were at odds over something. Also, it's hard to set boundaries and have house rules when these guys are men yet still boys in so many respects. Maybe it's because they think they "should" be on their own & successful by now? I think it must be frustrating for them to be living at home or not where they think they should be in their lives. They take it out on people whose love they are assured of.

Perhaps something will turn up for him - a friend who needs a roomie? Another relative who could use some company and a little extra income? In the meantime, I agree - your house, your rules, your schedule.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thanks guys.  I really needed to hear from some wise women!  I completely agree with everything that was said.  I told hubby that he would need to talk to him because that can never happen again.

Thanks again and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Green Thumb

Here's the opposite point of view:
Yes it is your home but gosh -- where is the consideration for the person you allow to live in your home and who does pays rent? My husband would say the opposite, your home you rule.

An air cleaner or fan on in his room make help make white noise so he can block out other sounds. I am giving this point of view cause I got neighbors who are so loud after 2 am and they wake us up. I know how it feels to be woken up by noise, and I also had an AS live with us for a year until we forced the issue for him to move out and be independent, and he only makes $10 an hour so I get it. But how are these young people going to learn to cope and overcome struggles if they don't live on their own on their terrible salaries and actually make a life for themselves? You can help him find a low rent place, I had to do the research for my son and he looked at about 10 places before we found the most decent place.

What I told my son when we were pushing him to move out was "you need to be an independent man and this is the best thing for you." And it has been, he has no spare money and is poor but he has so much more confidence and acts more like an adult now.

Lastly, the elephant in the room that no one has mentioned is the late night argument that you and hubby were having and which you said the next time you two discuss it would likely also be another argument. This seems to be the bigger or real problem in this household and perhaps you are merely deflecting your anger on to your son as the bad guy. Not trying to flick you off but something to think about.


How about you ask him, "Hey, just wanted to check.  I'm planning on having sex with hubby tonight and I know I can get really loud at times.  I just wanted to let you know so you can wear ear plugs or something so I don't disturb your sleep."

I'm not helping, am I?  Welcome back M!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell