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Advice on how to handle my parents

Started by daughterinlaw30, December 16, 2015, 09:34:07 am

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December 16, 2015, 09:34:07 am Last Edit: December 16, 2015, 11:04:14 am by luise.volta
I'm writing again because you ladies helped me put some perspective on my MIL. Could I get some on my own mom too?

Please keep in mind the following when reading this story.

1. It could be triggering.
2. Mom wanted to invite Aunt "The Widow" to my wedding. I said that was fine as long as we talked about what happened (the 3 of us). Mom said sure. Then, she said no. I ended up telling mom that I would be paying for the wedding because we had to invite this person and she would get very little say in the planning. Also, mom wanted to invite 50 people  on her side over the venue limit because she was paying for it. I had to change my guest list and my inlaws only invited 18. It was unfair. She got kicked out of planning but still invited. Husband and I made new plans.
3. As much as I was asked to apologize, no one accepted it and every one continued to treat me badly. I still get the "we are no longer mad about you did" which I felt was passive aggressive.
4. I'm really devastated because my parents told me they were wrong on this issue before the wedding, but now see it as not that big of a deal.  My father told me only to speak to him when my husband is on the phone too because then I act nicer.

**************************Story Begins Trigger Warning*******
I was a late bloomer. At 26, I only kissed one guy and never had a boyfriend. I was made fun of (in the not supporting way) by my mother and aunts. I was also living in another state from my FOO. In the same town, my Aunt the Widow (here by called The Widow) was raising her two kids from her marriage to my dad's brother. I moved to this town for college. After college I stayed. I met other single moms who didn't seem to manipulate their situation like The Widow did). I started to say no to her requests. However, I did visit her 90 year old blind mother in the  nursing home and helped the mother with trips to the bathroom.

During this time, The Widow's good friend, Aunt Catty (sister of my dad and will be called Catty. Oh. Catty has a daughter named Cousin Bossy who is a lawyer.). Anyway,  Catty and The Widow were making fun of my lack of experience with men. Saying "She is not her own person. She is just a f--- up. She needs to go to therapy."

The Widow's mom died. At the wake, I was having a conversation with her 16 year old daughter Cousin Crazy. Crazy was swearing up a storm. At any questions I asked. I hate f---ing school. I hate f---ng horsebackriding. Why do I care about the f---ing SAT?  Since this is how Crazy normally talks I didn't think anything of it. I asked Crazy if she had a boyfriend. Crazy said that she has two. One she really loves and the other she uses to make the one she really loves jealous. This idea was given to her by Cousin Princess. Dumbfounded I said: "The family must think I'm really wierd because I dont do that stuff." She said: "Actually, they dont think you are your own person. I said: "Who said that?" She said "I dont have to tell you f---ing sh--." I said: "Who the f--- said that?" She screamed. Mom, she said f--- to me.

According to the Widow, Crazy did say these things but meant something different. Crazy's actions were justified because I worry too much about not having a boyfriend.

For the next ten years, this has lived to haunt me. I tried to apologize to my aunt (my mistake that I have vowed to never apologize for things I didn't do again.)  My parents at first took my side. When The Widow spoke to them, mom called me up and said I needed to go on Prozac. I told her off and gave her a time out for lack of support.  When they were on of  time out, they came to visit and I saw the Widow. Mom again asked who said that.  The Widow went off on me. Mom and Dad saw this and did nothing. They went on time out.

This went on and off for 10 years. Grandma sent me a letter on my hospital bed asking me why I am so mean to the Widow she only wants to be my friend. I asked the Widow to help me after the hospital or meet to talk about what happened. Widow did nothing.

Bossy called me a couple of times during these years and said that my apologies to the Widow weren't genuine. Untrue. She also said my father would never stick up for me against Crazy and The Widow because Crazy's father is his dead brother. You are just your daughter. That pain was with me for years.

Anyway, this cycle when on and off 10 years with my parents. They relented to make peace. They would say something in support of Crazy. I put them in a time out...sometimes as long as years.

This negative talk of my sexuality messed with me head. I was involved in several abuse relationships in the last 10 years to prove my worth.

I ended up seeing a therapist who told me this was abusive and the only way out was to have a limited relationship with my family and no relationship with anyone who support the Widow and Crazy. Therapist said this was abusive as well as manipulative.


I can't relate to a post of such magnitude. That may not be true for others...but we all have our history and our story. If I wrote mine here, at age 88, it would sink the WWU ship.

You have a therapist. We are not trained to go that deeply, so my take is you are doing the best thing by finding a knowledgeable coach. Life is full of least mine has been and is. I may get an A+ on some but others have to be repeated before I get it. My point of view is that leaning and growing is what it's all never stops. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

"Normal" good people can't relate to what you write. I think your therapist has nailed it and one thing you need to remember is all this drama is not about you.  Don't take it personally, they would say ugly to anyone else in your place. Obviously they say ugly and intimidate your relatives, all wanting power and control. One way this is done is to criticize and belittle others so that others are weak minded and afraid of the perpetrator. That is my take on it, plus it is so irrational and these people so hateful ad crazy, I would guess some mental health issues or personality disorders. But I am not a professional. It is about what is inside those nutty relatives of yours that is lacking or broken. You did nothing to cause it and you can't change it or make it better, except to limit contact and learn to have boundaries so you don't get sucked into the drama, the chaos, the irrationality of it all. The drama is incredible and I would laugh but you see, my inlaws are much the same. Crazy, drama, all narcissistic and irrational, it is about power and control in my inlaw family. Reading Life Code by Dr Phil helped me and my husband recognize the drama and control stuff and learn how to avoid it and protect ourselves.


My response is "don't drink their koolaid."  You have a choice.

I'm happy you have a therapist you can talk to to work these issues out.  These are very painful and heavy issues.  Be good to you.