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To Gift or Not to Gift

Started by Green Thumb, December 10, 2015, 02:58:52 pm

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Green Thumb

One of my AD is especially difficult and was hateful, rude and ostracizing to me. Her wedding a few months ago was very upsetting at how I was treated. This is after years of such negative, toxic behavior from her -- and of course, it is all my fault and she is the victim. Her father, my ex, encourages her hatred of me and loves that she and I are alienated and his new wife is her "new mom." After the horrible wedding treatment, I decided to go no contact or very very low contact and not send a gift for Christmas or birthdays. It has taken me years to come to peace with being estranged from her and accept how she is toxic in my life, so no contact is not so bad really. (Some years she sends me something, some years she does nothing for my birthday.)

But low and behold, her new husband must have made her send me a birthday present (the email about the delivery came from her email addy) and now they have sent me a real wreath for Christmas. Another AC came over today and saw it and told me what this AD is saying about how mean I was at the wedding, she's the victim, etc. The other AC said the new husband feels that it is not right to have a mother and daughter estranged but his new wife treats him well and "he loves her" and thinks I am actually very nice. This other AC told me don't bother to send the AD a gift, but the "nice person" inside me wants to be nice. (I suspect the new husband sent this gift.) So now I don't know what to do, send them a gift or not? Your wise advice?


My take is to do whatever pleases you regarding sending a gift. You will probably be seen  as 'wrong if you do and wrong if you don't'. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Green Thumb

December 10, 2015, 03:17:04 pm #2 Last Edit: December 10, 2015, 03:20:21 pm by luise.volta
I'd like to cut her out of my life because she is so negative and hateful but it appears the new husband is trying to mend fences. And yes, I feel darned if I do and darned if I don't.  I am the only family member that stands up to her when she is being hateful and mean by naming her behavior so this makes me that "bad guy" in triplicate.


Quotebut the "nice person" inside me wants to be nice.

Follow your gut & send a simple gift with no expectations. 

Good for you for maintaining healthy boundaries.  Enjoy a healthy & happy Christmas!


Green Thumb, my initial thought was to buy a gift for the new husband...lol.  But if you are so inclined to give a gift, what about something they could both share?  Like a restaurant gift card?  It acknowledges his importance in her life, and he may appreciate the gesture even if she doesn't.


Great idea, B.! I got one for my beloved DIL that I put in a box and wrapped. It is for her favorite Thrift Store! She loves to go there and spend hours finding 'treasures'!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


i would also suggest a "couples" gift.  gift card, floral arrangement, food platter.
my mom always told us "do the right thing" and, over the yrs i have learned to do what makes me feel good about my choice of what to do.
good luck with your decision.


I'm voting for a couples gift, nothing too personal but still nice :) I'm liking your SIL so far!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb