Author Topic: How to repair relationship with my DIL  (Read 6513 times)

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Mistie

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How to repair relationship with my DIL
« on: August 28, 2009, 07:16:04 PM »
For some reason, my daughter in law does not like me.  When I first met her she told me how her and her mother do not have a good relationship.  My son and I have always had a good relationship, we have had our struggles but we love each other.
Since my son was involved with my DIL I rarely saw him....she would take out her blackberry and said she would try and fit me in.  I was hurt by this but my son was in love.  I cried once when they came over because I was hurt by not seeing them but a few, very few times.
In a year they were engaged, married, bought a house and had a child.  The wedding was a disaster.  I, at first tried to be involved but she didn't want me involved in any way.  I asked my son why and he said they were just going to do the wedding.  I had to let that go too.   So it came time to buy a dress.  i talked to her about this but no response.  My friend and I went around to several shops and I finally bought an outfit I thought would be nice.  Fly away pants, top and sheer jacket...mother in lawish...it was champagne color.
Well I emailed my future DIL and she told me she would prefer me not wear that color.  I bought the outfit on sale and could not return it.  She said nothing.
I wore the outfit to the wedding and you would have thought i committed murder.  I was treated horribly at the wedding and when I hugged her she pushed me away and said you are my MOTHER   I N  L A WWW. 
I tried to be kind to her to no avail. 
After the wedding neither my son or my DIL spoke to me for almost a year.  In the meantime she became pregnant.  FINALLY my son and I started to speak.  We aired everything out and came to an understanding which meant both of us change.  My DIL was not interested in repairing our relationship so my son agreed to meet once a month for dinner.  I always told him that his wife could come at any time and I would be happy to have her.  My son told her of this arrangement which cause problems with them so we stopped.  I understood to a degree. 
I told my son that I was planning on retiring from teaching this year so he is concerned about that which I have totally assured him that I would be fine.
Well they have had the baby.  Although I have seen the baby twice (he's two months old) she has made it clear that I am not welcomed to come more often.  The last time I was there was for about 2 hours in which time she fixed lunch for herself, offered my son lunch a few times and didn't offer me anything.  The previous time I was there I brought a complete dinnner so she wouldn't have to cook.  I bring her gifts and treat her with as much kindness as she will accept.
I just found out that my son's step mother has had the baby twice over night since his birth.  It really hurts me to hear this as his father and his step mother were rarely in my son's life growing up.  I feel so cheated, so hurt and so sad.  I have no other children and this will most likely be my only grandchild.
My son is trying to talk to her about this but it causes fights between them.  Lately my son and I have been talking alot, not just about this but about a lot of things.  I hate to think of how hurt he must be too.  I value my relationship with my son and don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
I will do whatever it takes to repair this damage, but I have no clue why my daughter in law hates me.  She wrote me a letter telling me virtually what a "butch" I was and I have no clue where this comes from except maybe from my son's step mother, who by the way never had children.
I will continue to be cordial to both of them as it is not my nature to be mean, vindictive or mouthy but I am not willing to be a whipping post.
Any suggestions??


















Prissy

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2009, 07:31:00 PM »
Dear mistie,
I can't help but write because this is such a prevalent problem. When you said the dress was "beige", I thought "for goodness sake, how much more could you do to comply with her wishes"  You know the old saying for an mil: wear beige and shut up.

Just know that you are in the company of a huge crowd of people who have had the same thing happen to them.  I'm so sorry....I think your son knows how hard this is for you.


Mistie

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2009, 07:43:39 PM »
I just wish this can be repaired!

just2baccepted

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2009, 10:43:04 PM »
Mistie - I first want to say how sorry I am for your pain.  I know that must be awful.  But Prissy is right your story is really no different than many of the MIL's on this site (I'm a DIL with difficult MIL and FIL).  I came to this site to find reasons why my inlaws are so rejectful and then I read all these similar stories about DIL's who are doing the same thing!!  Its just that the roles are reversed.

When I got married 12 years ago what my future MIL wore never even crossed my mind.  It seems like she a wore a dark blue dress or something.

It's hard to comment on something with small info but I'm wondering if your DIL is suffering from jealously and insecurity that has spiraled out of control.  I hate to say it but your DIL can't be more clearer, she doesn't want you in their life.  And it sounds like she is trying to push you out.  I'm beginning to wonder how common this is.

I just keep thinking if I were in your shoes that I would get my son off to the side and tell him the truth about how much this hurts you and what can we do to rectify it.  I know this is easier said than done because I'm sure your son is at a loss as to why his wife acts so unreasonable.  I think that was a good idea to try to maintain a relationship with him even without her but she pitched a fit and the poor guy had to stop seeing you. I mean really what else can you do except maybe try counseling or even ask your son at some point to do go to counseling with you.  Sometimes a third party might be able to help him see how wrong this is.  I realize the he has to live with her but your his mom and I assume you were a good mom and he loves you.

Please don't give up.  I'm glad you found this site because you are going to meet many women who are going through what you are.  As always you will be added to my prayer list.  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2009, 02:47:36 PM »
The thing that is so painful in this situation, it seems to me, is how torn a son can be. He picked the woman and established a new family unit. We all know she is his first priority. But then, it's all downhill from there. In this instance, he is going to be punished for loving his mom until he breaks...and breaks it off with his family of origin.

The unwitting MILs who find themselves in this position think they can do something. They hang on and try and hope and try some more and can't see why their efforts aren't at least seen, if not rewarded. It doesn't work. They are the enemy. It's set in granite and at the most basic level, it has nothing to do with them. It's a pathology.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2009, 05:11:38 PM »
 

First off, welcome Mistie.  :)

I can't imagine your son not speaking to you for sooo long.  What was his reason? 
   I can understand why some grandparents barge in at the young couple's home to see the baby, sometimes.  This is one reason I can so understand.  It's not fair.  What she is doing.
  Sounds to me like the step mother gained control somehow.  Probably by lies, gossip, etc.  Why would DIL be so friendly with the step mother anyway--what is she going to gain by it, cash? 
  Have you come right out and asked her what is going on??  What was the reason behind the letter calling you a *itch?  I don't get it. 
   But that baby is your son's as well.  It's time he grew up.  Sorry.  I have a weenie of a son that let's his wife and her mother control everything.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 07:02:11 AM by HappyDays09 »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2009, 06:13:12 PM »
Yeah, I didn't get the stepmother thing either. I don't doubt it...I just don't see why she would go that route. I would probably have expected something like, "you hate one MIL, you hate 'em all."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2009, 08:42:31 AM »
Not to turn this into MY story...but Mistie I have so much in common with you, makes me head spinny.    DIL to be calls me about a couple a months before the wedding and mentions something about a spa thing on the day of.  Time, place, etc.  I was shocked!  Me?  You want me to go?  Some old bat of a woman to be around you?  I was stunned.  I was nervous.  I am not sure why.
   I was imagining cuke slices on our eyes, laying on the massage tables, hot rock/oil message, etc.  I am thinking to myself I gotta find some more moneY!! 
    Then, I ask about dress of MOG - me.  Color?  Style?  Etc.  She said she and her mom went to the ABC Dress Shop in AnyTown, USA and I could go there.  She gave me the address and said bye.  ok.  well, it was the wrong address and boy it would have been nice to go with those two - it was before any true mean was felt.  But I missed it.  Was never called.  Oh well.
  Found a nice beigey goldish fitted jacket with a long skirt that looked awesome for the church.  And a great looking dark dress for reception.  Just happened to be the same darn color MOB had on.  At least my shoes, hair, oh well EVERYTHING, looked better on ME!!
   The hair thing that day?  Daughter and I left in tears with burns from appliances.  It was just a hairdo-pay for yourself thing.  We are both highlighted.  The appliances were set to kill.
  We told this strange stylist *exclusive to the only two blondes -- US* TO PLEASE TURN THE DRYER/IRONS DOWN.  She threw them down, claimed she couldn't work on "those" women and left in a huff!  Nice.  Hey thanks.  First time in my 45 or so years that has EVER happened to me.  Once slightly burned by chemical dripping.  Never by a hair dryer.
   Bridey's mom felt I had a bad attitude that day and was set on not enjoying myself.  (I found this on the hair salon's reviews that MOB made about us) What the heck??  Not one of them asked why we were crying, although they did watch as she burned us over and over.  We left.  I never screamed.  yelled.  just quietly left in shock to go do my hair which smelled burnt.  My daughter had a dime size layer of skin hanging off the back of her scalp.
  It was because of them feeling I didn't want to be there?  We deserved this?  Why? 
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 06:38:29 AM by HappyDays09 »

Prissy

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2009, 09:02:42 AM »
is it too late for you to report this salon?  You need to.  This is scandalous; others need to be warned.

SunnyDays09

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2009, 11:20:00 AM »
Sheesh I wanted to.  I should have called the police, made out a report of assault, showed the officer the broken skin--pics? and took dd to the ER for a tetanus booster and meds. 

   But nooooo.  That would have meant we miss the wedding.  The salon was owned/managed by a good friend of bridey.  I was amazed no one jumped out of chair to see why we were leaving?  Not one word?  Not a good bye?  hey see ya later?  I got the feeling it was an ambush at this point.  The one thing monster of bridey wanted was to see us eliminated all together.
   
  You know, I was just rinsing dishes and the thought just popped into my head after I posted the above.  THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME EVER BRIDEY CONTACTED ME WITH INFORMATION.  IN FACT IT WAS THE ONLY INVITE I RECEIVED PERSONALLY BY BRIDEY. IT WAS THE ONLY THING, I WAS INVITED TO!!! THE BRIDAL Mil/Sil HAIR BURN Party.  Only time.  Ever.  I usually got bits and pieces from dd off my computer.  That is how bridey let her soon to be sister in law know of plans.  Computer.  My dd was living with her new dh and they HAD NO computer.  DD had to come to my house after work, check on "plans" and then go home to dh.  Unbelievable.  Mean spirited.  But I at least got one phone call.  My dd never received one.
   Silly me.  At one point I thought we were on the A list.  I mean hey, we're with the Groom.  WRONG!!!
   The son of the father that Bridey's mother was dating had a better table at reception:  his was closer to main table of bride/groom.  Mine was behind his next to speakers of dj told to play music loudly.  He even told a couple guests.  It is a desire that the music be played loudly.  My table was centered by the speakers.  Couldn't even see the main table.  Have hearing issues today.  :( 
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 06:37:31 AM by HappyDays09 »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2009, 03:14:27 PM »
This one blows my circuits. It was so contrived and vicious! Unconscionable! My heart goes out to you, H/D. And to not care that your daughter was hurt as well...horrible!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Mistie

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2009, 09:26:25 PM »
Today was tough.  I went to a concert with friends near where my DIL and son live.  I stayed the night and the next day I dropped off a hand made gift from a wood crafter I met in NC.  I stopped and bought the baby a couple of cute toys while I browsed some stores.
I left a note and put the things on their porch.  They weren't home.  My heart is broken.  I can't help harboring resentment for my son's step mother because next month when I go to a gathering next month, I know it will be shoved in my face by her.  I will NOT play their game. 
I am trying my best to stay POSITIVE. 

Prissy

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2009, 09:38:02 PM »
Mistie,
Today was tough for me too....I'm sending good wishes to you.  I don't know sometimes if I can even go on.  It doesn't seem worth it to me anymore.  I'm so tired of trying to figure this out.  Just thrown away like I'm nothing.

just2baccepted

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2009, 10:19:18 PM »
Prissy said: Just thrown away like I'm nothing

Prissy I'm sure your DIL would have done this to any guys mother that she married.  Please Please don't take it personal.  I'm glad that you have other special people in your life.  Maybe you could try to concentrate on them.  I'll bet that you have many good attributes to offer to a healthy person.

Mistie- I am so sorry for you and I'm also glad that you have friends and people to hang with.

You know my hubby and I just got back a couple hours ago from our neighbors house.  They are the sweetest couple.  They are in their 60's and 70's and the husband had to have a 4 chamber heart bypass a few days ago.  They said he was days away from having a heart attack.  We live in small town and they run "the town's furniture store" and they have given us a good deal on some of our furniture.  Anyway the point I was trying to make is when I left there I thought, man do I have a lot to be thankful for.  Even though my family life may not be what I want, I just felt so thankful.  I mean he is probably going to be ok and will be better in about six weeks.  But he really looked bad and you could tell that took a toll on him.  I guess it affected me a little because I think so much of them.  Why can't my in-laws be as sweet as my neighbors, maybe they'll be willing to adopt hubby and me??

SunnyDays09

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Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2009, 07:12:55 AM »
This one blows my circuits. It was so contrived and vicious! Unconscionable! My heart goes out to you, H/D. And to not care that your daughter was hurt as well...horrible!
Thank you luise. ♥♥♥ It was quite the two years lemme tell ya.
 Now, I wish I had been the loudest, whiniest, "gimme" one there.  For at least I would have gotten something out of the deal!  LOL.  Really.  Maybe she wasn't ready to have someone in her life that accepted her as she was.  No predetermined exaggerated expectations.  She could just be.
  Perhaps my willingness to take the back seat seemed to be lack of interest to her?  I don't know.  I would ask when they came over.  I did ask questions.  I always got:  Shrug of the shoulders and..."I don't know."