Author Topic: Finding it harder to cope with adult son.  (Read 602 times)

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Offline Tricia

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Finding it harder to cope with adult son.
« on: October 29, 2015, 09:13:42 AM »
My son is 36 and has been in a relationship for 6 years with a wonderful lady with 3 children.  Unfortunately they constantly fight because of the children.  He has moved out and back in at least 5 times now and the whole family knows this just isn't going to work.  I have both of them calling for advice which has now gotten to the point for me that I cannot handle either of them anymore.  My son also has an 8 year old son by his previous marriage and I class him as an occasional father, seeing my grandson when it suits him.  My son is becoming an angry, out of control man who seems to hold grudges for days on end and I have a bad feeling about the whole thing.  My ex-husband whom is now deceased was abusive physically and emotionally to us and I see patterns happening in my son.  I have pleaded with him to get therapy, but it is to no avail.  I am at the point now I feel as if I have to walk away, though it tears me apart as it is taking a toll on my health.  If anyone has any good solid advice on how things can get better please reply.  Thanks!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Finding it harder to cope with adult son.
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2015, 10:51:33 AM »
Welcome, T. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention the the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

All any of us can do is to share our experience. It may apply or it my not, of course. Mine has been to make the transition from putting my 'child' first all of those years he was growing up...then learning to put myself first as he faced (or didn't) making his own choices as an 'adult' and the consequences.

As a child, my son's survival depended on me putting him first. When he entered adulthood...it was very hard for me to get that my job was done and the ball was in his court...much less that my survival depended on putting myself first.

Sending hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Finding it harder to cope with adult son.
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 10:58:50 AM »
Oh Tricia, "things" don't get better, you get better.  For me it all started when I realized that I was giving my power to other people.  I was letting the situation I had with my DS/DIL bleed over into every other aspect of my life.  Nobody wanted to be around me, including ME!!  All day every day I thought about what was happening and worried about how to fix it.  Until I finally realized that it was not up to me to fix anything except me!!  I needed to make myself happy and the only way I could do that was to stop thinking about my DS/DIL.  So every time I caught myself going down that rabbit hole I willed myself to think about the other things in life I have that are so good.  I started planning fun things to do and picking the people I wanted to spend time with.  Funny, I found I really did not want to spend time with my DS because I knew my every word would be dissected and inspected later and I usually ended up on the short end of that stick!

So my advice to you is that the next time either your DS or his wonderful lady call you should be busy!!!  "Sorry dear....gotta go!  I am sure you will figure it out!  Love ya!"

Now....what is your favorite thing to do???? 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pen

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Re: Finding it harder to cope with adult son.
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2015, 09:23:44 PM »
Welcome, T.

Wise women, indeed! I think Luise and SL have nailed it. Taking care of you is most important now. It's more difficult for some of us for whatever reason (guilt, codependency, insecurity, etc.) to put ourselves first, but isn't it high time?? What have we got to lose??
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb