Author Topic: I am new. Glad I found you  (Read 3711 times)

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Offline QuietSong

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I am new. Glad I found you
« on: October 28, 2015, 01:06:00 PM »
My story is probably the same as others here.  I have been in a lot of pain for 2 and 1/2 years.  I have two sons.  The oldest was independent the day he was born lol.  The youngest was our little lovey. He would just put his arms around your neck when you picked him up.  So sweet.  Today he his 33 years old and has changed in the last 5 years from a very kind and loving person and son, to someone who can't be bothered.  I don't understand this change, but I can tell you it started when he met his wife.  I know the saying about a son is a son till he takes a wife.  But I never expected it to become an estranged relationship.  I have an adult nephew who does not treat his parents this way. 
I have a brother who is handicapped that lives with me.  My ES lived with us for 6 years and was always good to my brother and myself.  When he decided to strike out on his own, I was happy for him.  We continued to have a bond between us, but understand he was not a mama's boy.  Neither of my sons are/were mama's boys.  I didn't want that anyway.  When we ended up living in different states, we continued to stay close via the phone.  Like I said all was well  until he met his wife.  I had no problem with him falling in love etc.  But it was painful because he stopped calling me.  I didn't understand it and when I asked him about it he laughed and said he was busy.  I wasn't used to this, but tried to accept it.
My mother always said that I was overly sensitive.  I guess I am.  I try not to be.  I have tried to grow a thick skin. 
Today this ES is a new father.  My new granddaughter was born a little over a week ago.  I do not feel welcome to go see her since my ES announced that my handicapped brother is not allowed in my ES house.  My brother has Downes Syndrome and has done nothing to warrant this treatment.  My brother is a very sweet person and my ES knows this.  My ES does not want my brother around his daughter and made this announcement last June.  I was so shocked.  I told my family members and they all said that they thought it came from my DIL.  Of course I can not ask my ES about it because he would just get very angry and yell at me.  I would be accused and blamed for it all.  I am tired of being the punching bag. 
Last July is when I found WWU.  I have been coming here off and on for comfort and finally got the courage to tell you my story.  There is much more to tell, but I am starting to get nauseous so I better stop.  Bottom line............I feel kicked to the curb and not good enough to see my new GC.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2015, 02:57:23 PM »
Welcome, QuietSong, and I am glad you felt comfortable to post today.  I'm a newbie, too, and though my situation is different from yours, I do have a few questions and wonderings about your issue.  First of all, do you think the backlash regarding your brother has anything to do with worry that ES and DIL will eventually end up caring for him?  Could that be why they won't even let him into their house?  Did this happen after they had the baby or before?  Would a calm reassurance from you to ES that you are getting this issue of guardianship resolved help matters?  Regarding you visiting them to see your grandchild, would you consider going alone?  Would they invite you if you came alone?  I know how hard it must be to see your son now turning his back on family, and especially your dear brother, who probably wouldn't hurt a flea, and likely had to deal with a lot of intolerance in his life. (I used to be a special education teacher, and I know how hurtful some people can be). When my daughter turned her back on her family it felt like such a betrayal, a knife to the heart.  In your case it sounds as though DILs unaccepting and intolerant attitude is probably influencing your son now.  There is nothing you can do about that. Consider that she may be very forceful and he may feel pulled in two directions on this, but feels he must be loyal to his wife. I will be interested in hearing other WW weigh in.  I wish you well, QuietSong.  BTW, love your name.

Offline Pen

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 09:11:20 AM »
QS, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and I'm glad you shared your story. My DD is intellectually disabled and there are family members (and former friends) who cannot handle being around her. She craves being around a big, loving family (as do I) but it is not to be. It hurts like blazes!

We have assured our DS/DIL that we have made arrangements for DDD's care, but that hasn't made much of a difference in our case. We've recently been told that the inequality in time spent with each side (DIL's FOO vs. us) is only going to get worse when GC arrive on the scene, so I'm trying to prepare my heart.

Frankly, sometimes I believe my DDD is just a scapegoat/excuse.

QS, I hope you can find a way to experience the joy of being a GM! Perhaps it won't be exactly what you hoped for or deserve, but maybe there will be some happiness there. (((hugs))) to you and your DB!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2015, 11:22:59 AM »
Many people are afraid of those who have disabilities or are different. I have situation like this in my own family and it is interesting to see which people are afraid and which "get it." My husband is very very low vision. His own brother  calls him "an invalid." My husband works and is independent.

I believe some people are afraid they are going to become "less than" like the disabled person and they usually have no compassion or thought or care for others (meaning they are all about themselves). These people often show arrogance towards other people.  This is just the way the world is, some people have a lot to learn. I believe what goes around, comes around.

We don't waste much time on those that "don't get it" -- we just focus on those who do.


Offline Green Thumb

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2015, 11:41:56 AM »
OH, and QS, don't feel kicked to the curb and not good enough to see your own GC. What you are missing is your son's behavior is not about you. You are taking it as a slur against you, but is isn't. His behavior, or his wife's behavior speaks volumes about THEIR own lack inside, their personality issues, etc. It is not about you. You have to start thinking that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are worthy and valuable. If I was their mother, in the same situation, they would do the same to me. Do not take their actions personally or as a slam against you.

I certainly don't mean to be mean but sometimes we see it our way, without understanding how others feel. Looking at it another way, not from your own feelings but from that of the new mother could help you see more clearly. Your brother could be extra work, or more stress, than the new mother can take right now. Just having an additional adult who needs taking care of in her house may be more than they can handle. Yes, perhaps you do all the work of taking care of your brother, but the fact is, this adds another person to their household temporarily, more noise, more food, more people in the bathroom. It might be a burden to them, whereas you see it as a joy. Everyone is different.

If she is not a giving person and your son is not a giving person, adding more to their stress level is not going to work out well. It might help if you stay in a hotel to reduce their burden of guests. Perhaps you give in and don't take your brother, this isn't an all or nothing deal. Being flexible and compromising will help.

I remember when as a new bride, my former MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks. We lived in an efficiency/studio apartment and she would be sleeping on a futon on the floor, we would be working, one tiny bathroom, etc. I said no, three days maximum. MIL was not happy, she felt we were being mean. But get real, she should've been in a hotel. Three of us in one room, newlyweds, no sex cause she can hear everything, including bathroom noises, and she felt this was no burden on us. This same woman came to visit after child no. 2 and expected to stay two weeks, she did nothing to help me, just wanted her son's attention in the evening after work. I had no help and another baby, albeit an adult baby, to take care of. My husband had to tell her to go home after ten days cause he was mad at how burdensome she was.

Now, I gotta end with how some people are just nasty, mean people. If you got two of these, nothing you do will ever change how they are and they will never love you the way you want to be loved. It is not about you or your lack. It is about them and their lack.


Offline QuietSong

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2015, 05:39:40 PM »
Oh my gosh,
Thank you all so much for your replies.  I am/was overwhelmed while trying to write about this.  Guess some part of the mind doesn't always like letting it out.  I don't know about you gals but sometimes I feel crazy. :-X
Anyway.  To Bamboo2.........I am so grateful to your questions/suggestions.  Please know that I am writing this with gratitude and kindness.  Too often we can read things as if we are being scolded.  As for visiting my new GC,  I would never leave my DB alone in a motel room for more than an hour.  In some ways he is like a child and would be afraid to be let alone for too long in a strange place.  To drive 10 hours, get a hotel room, drive for so many minutes, visit with ES, DIL and GC for how long?  Maybe 30 minutes then have to leave again because of DB?  That wouldn't work for me.  Going alone is a great idea..........but I have no one to leave DB with and I really do believe I am not welcome in their home either.  My ES has not made any overtures about him wanting his mother to meet his daughter.  Know what I mean?  2 and 1/2 years ago he kept saying how he wanted me at his wedding.  At that time, (I would have made sure I went), my best friend had just died.  We were like sisters and since I have no one else other than another brother who lives half way across the country, another son who also lives half way across the country.........I was devastated over her sudden death.  It will be three years this Feb. since she died and I finally feel that the worst of the grief is behind me.  Happy my ES was getting married.......horrible timing for me.  I was truly not myself.  I was actually having mini blackouts (not fainting).  Loosing time.  My ES told me at his wedding that he had never seen me like this.  All I could say was that it was do to Linda dying.  I told him I was doing my best.  But apparently that was not good enough.  I won't try to write all the little details.  Bottom line.........I was humiliated and criticized.  I promise you, I did not jump up and down on tables......lol......or make a mockery of anyone.
My ES and his wife can use any excuses.  When my other brother and my ex both said they thought it was the DIL, I had to admit to myself that even though she had sweet overtures "before" they were married..........didn't mean she was who she tried to portray. 
Long distant relationships are very difficult.  Both of my sons live in different states from me, their dad and each other.  The ES has preferred his wife family since before they were married.  ES is in the Army and deployed in 2012.  His GF (now his wife) threw him a going away party at her parents house which is a good 18 hour drive.  My DB can't fly because he gets sick.  Besides........we do not have a lot of money for flying and hotels.  Did my ES bother to come see his mother before he left for Afghanistan?  Nope.  And I don't remember if he called even.  Has he been here to see me since he joined the Army in 2009?  Nope.  I've had to drive to see him.<<<<<<<<<Sorry for letting out some anger.  I am so used to taking the blame.  Guess maybe I am starting to wake up and realize..........this is not all my fault. 
Yep Pen..........my DIL prefers her FOO.  Which is ok.  But my ES prefers them too.  DIL and ES have been to her FOO several times since they have gotten together.  They have never been here.  Her FOO is an 18 hour drive for them.  I would only be 10 hours. 
Thanks again Green Thumb.  I work around new mothers.  I don't know how much I can say here, but I also remember how my own hormones affected me when I was  pregnant and afterward.  These two have been acting like this since they got together in 2010.  They are in their own little world and if you are not invited into it (like her FOO) then you are treated different.  It has been one shock after another with this ES behavior.
My mother used to say I was overly sensitive.  I of course took that as another of her put downs.  lol  But she was right on that one.  When I love someone I am vulnerable to their words and actions.  But I believe that is true for anyone. 
Interestingly.........the DIL sent emailed me some pics of the GC.  I have a sneaky suspicion it is to rub salt in the wound.  There was not typed message with the email.  Just the pics.  WHY?   I responded with a simply "thanks for the pics".  I get no messages.  And nothing from my ES.  No texts.  Nothing.
BTW, I think you all should know too, that her family and her friends will be staying at their house as they come into town.  They have a large house, where my DB and I did stay in the past.  I'd guess it to be about 3000 sq ft.  To me that is large.  lol
So I'm ok for now.  I hope I answered any questions.  I feel a ray of sunshine/hope. I also already feel a loving bond starting to grow with all of you.
I will be working the next two nights, so I won't be on here much if at all.
Thanks so much for your love, hugs and kindness.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2015, 12:56:30 PM »
Hi QuietSong,
Don't we all feel crazy sometimes over our AC!?!  Take comfort in knowing we have all been there, and still go back there from time to time.  You are not alone.  Also you are not alone in being sensitive regarding loved ones' words and actions.  What I have gleaned from the women here is that they have chosen to turn their focus away from their ACs hurtful words and actions and toward the only thing they/we have control over...ourselves.  We still do have a choice in our own joy.  Sadly for you, the dreams you might have had about your relationship with your new granddaughter are not coming to pass.  Right now that is their choice and it is so painful.  The more you dwell on that, and the other people who get to have a relationship with her, the harder it is on you emotionally.  You deserve to have a joyful life, regardless of their decisions.  That is your choice.  If you stay quiet like you have been with ES and DIL, things could change.  Either way, you will be okay, as you will be working on caring for yourself and those who value you.  Find ways to nurture yourself and/or someone special who needs nurturing, mentoring, tutoring, or just a friendly presence.  Hugs to you  :)

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2015, 06:28:32 AM »
QS, you deserve a medal for caring for your brother, but you also deserve a break.  How much does your other brother pitch in to give you a respite?  When we care for someone fulltime - whether for Downs or a chronic illness or a mental illness - we often forget to take care of our own needs.  You need a break.  Your other brother should be caring for your disabled brother some of the time or paying for professional care. 

It sounds like you might have been suffering depression when your DS got married.  If your DS or DIL didn't realize how severely you were affected by the loss of your friend, they may not know how much of a break they should give you. 

You are jumping to conclusions that you are not welcome to meet your GD.  It must be hurtful that your DB is not welcome, but that is the prerogative of your DS and DIL.  Your other brother should care for your DB to allow you to go visit.  And tack a week on so you can take a much needed rest. 

I don't know how your DS managed to travel 18 hrs for a farewell party, but it is nothing short of a miracle that he pulled it off.  Leading up to a deployment there's a lot of paperwork, training, medical stuff, etc.  The fact that he couldn't swing by and see you is not an insult, it's just a reality.  In his shoes I'd be pretty ticked that I was about to leave for 6 mos, a year, whatever to a place where my life would be in jeopardy every moment of every day and my mother couldn't bother to come see me.  It may have made him resentful not just of you but of his uncle.  This could be why he's switched on being a caregiver for his uncle if needed.  Also, he came back a changed man.  No if, ands, or buts about that.  You cannot deploy to a warzone (even if he was in one of the "safer" areas) and not be changed.  He may be dealing with PTSD or any  of a number of mental health issues.  Don't be so quick to blame your DIL for any changes in attitude on your DS's part. 

Your DIL sent you pictures.  Don't try to read any ill intent in that.  Don't be resentful that she didn't add a note.  Be thankful for the pics and let it go. 

Please, please, please get yourself some help.  Get an outside, objective view of your DB.  I'm sure you've had to deal with a lot of prejudice against him, but that can make you less likely to see his faults.  He may be a bigger burden to others than you think.  Or maybe not.  Maybe DS and DIL are just being paranoid or prejudiced.  You could be right on the money in your assessment.  It's just important to keep in mind that you may not have all the facts or be the most objective. 

Please get yourself some respite care.  You need it and deserve it. 

Offline QuietSong

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2015, 04:47:27 PM »
Thank you all for your loving and caring words.  I work nights (yes I still have to work) and so isn't it logical that I sleep days.  After all of your loving help I began to feel better.  It felt as though I'd taken my power back.  I remembered years ago hearing how we can give our power away.  But I had forgotten about that and had given my power to my DS and DIL.   
Today I still feel empowered and am feeling much more positive.  I feel more in control of my own life and am not focused on their life.  My DS was 27 years old when he chose to join the Army.  That was a shocker since he had never expressed wanting to do that.  He had dreamed of being in the medical field or the veterinary  field to work with animals.  Today he is very good with animals and is very kind to those whom he chooses to be a part of his clan.  I just don't happen to be a part of his clan.
So I will focus on those that welcome me into their lives.  I do have other GC.  They just happen to be twin girls.  :)  I am looking forward to finishing their Christmas gifts.
As for my DB and I we are doing just fine.  I hope to save enough money so that he and I can stay in the Smokey Mountains in the spring and then visit my twin granddaughters during that trip as they live close by.
I have had a string of good days and I wanted to share that with you.  I know how grief works since I have had a lot of deaths and loss in my life.  So I am not done needing you all.  At the same time, I hope to be able to be there for some of you too.
Love and Hugs

Offline QuietSong

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2015, 05:00:00 PM »
Thank you all for your loving and caring words.  I work nights (yes I still have to work) and so isn't it logical that I sleep days.  After all of your loving help I began to feel better.  It felt as though I'd taken my power back.  I remembered years ago hearing how we can give our power away.  But I had forgotten about that and had given my power to my DS and DIL.   
Today I still feel empowered and am feeling much more positive.  I feel more in control of my own life and am not focused on their life.  My DS was 27 years old when he chose to join the Army. That was 5 years ago.  That was a shocker since he had never expressed wanting to do that.  He had dreamed of being in the medical field or the veterinary  field to work with animals.  Today he is very good with animals and is very kind to those whom he chooses to be a part of his clan.  I just don't happen to be a part of his clan.
So I will focus on those that welcome me into their lives.  I do have other GC.  They just happen to be twin girls.  :)  I am looking forward to finishing their Christmas gifts.
As for my DB and I we are doing just fine.  I hope to save enough money so that he and I can stay in the Smokey Mountains in the spring and then visit my twin granddaughters during that trip as they live close by.
I have had a string of good days and I wanted to share that with you.  I know how grief works since I have had a lot of deaths and loss in my life.  So I am not done needing you all.  At the same time, I hope to be able to be there for some of you too.
Love and Hugs

Offline QuietSong

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2015, 05:02:50 PM »
Sorry.  I am still new to how this site works.  I just wanted to go back and edit a reply and ended up pasting the whole post a second time with the added sentence.  lol
I am not terrifically tech savvy.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2015, 01:51:41 PM »
Hi QuietSong,
So wonderful to know you have had a string of good days!  It sounds like you are in a good place emotionally now.  Doesn't that feel great?  I'm feeling that way, too!

You have two precious granddaughters to focus on now.  What fun you will have with them if you get to visit them with your brother in the spring. 

Hope those good days keep coming.  Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who love you!

Offline Pen

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2015, 08:08:42 PM »
Thanks for the update. You sound hopeful :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline QuietSong

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2015, 12:27:25 AM »
Thanks again to everyone.  I am going to be working three nights in a row again, so I won't see you for a few days.  My thoughts are with you.  I hope to be helpful to others soon.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I am new. Glad I found you
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2015, 10:49:08 AM »
For me, the huge transition was that what I thought once mattered became the opinion of an outsider. DS's survival depended on my input and direction for almost two decades. It was terribly hard for me to get he and his wife had established a new family unit and they got to make up the rules just like I once did. It didn't matter what was working in other families, either...this was mine and what he and his wife were doing was about them, not me. Letting go, since I wasn't to be factored in, was terribly painful. And the truth was, I was hanging on to the past. As adults (sort of) they had the right to make their own choices and learn from the consequences. They choose, we comply and when it turns out the way did for me and has for you, we have other people in our lives that treat us with respect and other interests to persue to fine balance and fulfillment again. I did, ever though I thought it was impossible.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama