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Bad Mothers??

Started by kate123, August 20, 2015, 04:50:51 pm

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After making hundreds of observations of families (since mine fell apart) I have noticed that the worst, and I mean the worst, mothers often have adult children that seem forever tied to them. It seems that no matter what they do or did, drugs, alcohol, neglect, their children stick by them and are a regular part of their life. Their adult children often want to live close, to the point where they would not even consider taking a job that would take them far from Mom. Holidays are spent at Mom's, grandchildren's parties at Mom's, so on and so on. Wow, if I had only known then what I know now. I am sure there is some psychological reason for this, but what does that matter when they have their children and the "good" Moms don't. Just another day where I am saying I don't get it.


Wow! I know there have to be exceptions...(at least I hope there are!)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Oh yes of course, I just said "often" not always. I wonder if it is because those mothers have no expectations, and are probably very lax when it comes to rules (when the children are teens).


I completely agree with you. My daughters had friends with some of the worst moms, usually more into themselves than their kids. Many of my kids friends spent their time at our house, including my son in law whose mother brought home his 6th grade teacher and married him. He was not a nice step father and yet my daughter spends all her time with them and I am out.


Just another perspective:  I think it may have to do with their self-perceived duty  to try to "fix" their parents -- they want to make everything "right."     Parents who are plugging along in life with no issues don't need their children's attention or efforts because these parents are doing just fine without them. 


Green Thumb

I have seen a lot of narcissism in families. The Nparent will do all they can to control and manipulate the children and the relatives. They all stick together because that is how the Nparent demands it. Plus, the children are usually so desperate for parental love, even as adults, that they keep allowing Nparent to do all of this, just in case one day it brings them the love they didn't get in childhood. The adult children are often pitted one against the other for the Nparents love and attention, thus to not attend family events/holidays would allow their siblings to "get more love" at this event. This is how my inlaws are. It is very sick and sad.


I have often wondered about that, too. The bottom line is that this stuff happens often for no logical reason. I have to know in my own heart that I was a good parent and that my DS is more enamored of his ILs and their FOO for his own reasons. It has nothing to do with my parenting!

Since retiring I've been cleaning cupboards & drawers. The other day I found a diary I kept the first year of DS's life and many of the calendars from day one of our marriage (no, I haven't been featured on Hoarders, lol.) Wow, I was a caring, loving, busy, hard-working, observant mom who tried hard to meet the needs of her family and also tried, sporadically, to take care of herself. Not perfect, certainly...but pretty darn good.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


That is where I am at too Pen.  I KNOW I was a good parent.  Wasn't perfect...made mistakes...but they had a good childhood.  If they want to believe differently, well, I can't do anything about it.  I know the truth.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell



Here's my take my parents are divorced my father always loved the bottle more than me. Due to my father issue with drinking I distanced myself from him and became very close to my mother. She was the one there for me. I don't think we stay for the parent that has caused us heartache as much as we stay for the parent that has always been there for us. However we still worry about the parent who has hurt us.We grow up being their parent in a way so it's also difficult to leave them but it's not due to love it's due to us feeling we're responsible for them.

That's at least how I feel.




I am sorry that you have had to deal with divorce and alcoholism. I guess that is why they divorced, I know for myself that alcoholics are impossible to live with.
I agree with you. It does seem that these kind of parents are very needy and weak and the children become their caretakers in some way. I notice this most often in single parent homes, especially when the parents are using drugs or alcohol. What I have also seen much of in my area is that the drug/alcohol parent pull their children into that world. I don't know if most people realize how pervasive this is in economically depressed areas where drugs have taken over. It also seem that the children go one of two ways- either completely abstain, or become users themselves. Wish you a better future. :-X


I am so glad i found this group and know that i am not alone in this..... I find comfort in POOH(s)  words..sometime we try to do the best we can with what we have at the time,,we can give our children everything and still one or all can turn on us...We are currently going thru this again with my daughter..no grandkids we can see anymore :(  the belaming,the betrayal,the disrespect on my daughters part towards me is unbearable at times, constantly bringing up little things i did wrong in raising her has been a heavy cross for me to bear at times.i was mother~father~breadwinner~home owner all in one.Father walked away for 10 years to raise his new family...I gave my daughter everything,clean clothes,food,a home and love....all for nothing! little by little she takes pieces of my heart until there is nothing left...I live with the feelings of where i went wrong everyday!and why she says what she says!she makes me out like some kind of monster...... i do not enjoy the things i used to nor do i leave the house much anymore...my husband has been wonderful and my wall thru this..


Kate123, Thank you for this post, I also gave everything I had to parenting, loved being a mom yet my late husband's ex-wife was an alcoholic but the step-kids and my own 2 blame me for everything! Her relationship with her kids is exactly as you described.


Welcome to the site, Pdougwa. I'm glad you found us :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the pink-highlighted items on the home page under Open Me First. Nothing wrong with your post, we just want to make sure everyone agrees with our policies and practices since we're a monitored website.

Funny how people who don't seem to deserve it get the "goodies." My DS's MIL is a bitter, picky, judgmental woman who is spoiled rotten. When I'm depressed I go for a walk or call a friend (or come to WWU!) When she's depressed she gets jewelry or a cruise. Go figure.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


November 29, 2015, 02:58:54 pm #14 Last Edit: November 29, 2015, 03:00:32 pm by luise.volta
Welcome, p! It seems to me that blame can come in really handy if someone wants to use it instead of growing up and taking responsibility.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama