Who can say?

[love3]

To you good mil's : Who can say they came into their dil's life being accepting ?
 who can say they had the best intentions from the beginning? Who can say they couldn't wait to have a relationship with their new dil WITHOUT meddling, being controlling, or intrusive ?
Who can say they came into the relationship staying out of their DS and DIL business? Who can say they have never talked bad about their dil in any way shape or form throughout the relationship only to find out your dil hates you and doesn't want you around because she is insecure and only wants your DS for herself?

Im not a mil yet , but I am a dil who came into the relationship feeling all these things a good mil would feel. I understand the hurt, confusion, frustration, and anger. It seems like your either a good mil with a bad dil, or a bad mil with a good dil. Good mil and dil relationships are lucky !

Just had to vent this out  Love all you good mils!

[Lillycache]

I certainly can say all those things...

[Green Thumb]

Love3, I am not sure what you are asking but I will say people are people. There are nice ones and not nice ones. Some are loving, some are hateful. Family relationships are sometimes tough. Some mothers and a few fathers want to be in charge of their kids lives forever, including as the children turn into adults. For some parents, being overly involved with the adult children and grandchildren is a way of ignoring the need to have one's own friends, one's own job, one's own life.

And then there are those who just want to be nice, be loved and be loving back. Who don't meddle, criticize, say mean things, get competitive or take over the grandchildren. Those who have their own lives, their own friends, keep learning new things and doing new things, etc.

You'll have to decide which type you want to be as time keeps marching on. It is good to think about this now, because if a person wants to be the type that can answer "who can say" -- then that person has to walk the walk and talk the talk.

Many of us can say yes to who can say.

[Pooh]

I can say that I was accepting.  I can say I had good intentions.  I can say I wanted to have a good relationship with DIL, and I'm very non-intrusive, controlling or meddling.

I can't say I came into the relationship staying out of their business or that I didn't speak badly of her.  But mine started when OS was a Senior in High School and DIL was a year older and in College, so it threw a whole new dynamic in our situation.  He still had house rules, curfew, needed to get homework done, etc.  She didn't have any of those things any longer and stayed mad at me because there were times where I would not let her come over because he was not finished with a school project or paper that evening.  She resented it and always took it personally that I was trying to keep her away from him.  I really wasn't.  I was trying to keep him on track with finishing school and getting ready for college.  We worked hours on college scholarships and I would literally have to take his phone away because she would call every five minutes, or text him every minute.  Even after he would tell her that he would have to call her later, we were working on these things, she would still do it until I would take the phone and turn it off.  Then she would show up in the driveway and I'd have to go out and tell her that she couldn't come in.  When I tried to let her in and would say, "You can come in but you'll have to watch TV or something until we are done."  She would interrupt every five minutes or if he and I were talking about something, she would interject and tell us we should be doing it another way.

I could go on and on, but yes, I was in their business as far as clashing with parenting duties.  I did speak badly to him about her, and to her face directly a couple of times because I was getting so frustrated.  I also took the time to explain to her that his inability to see her that evening had nothing to do with her, but his procrastination of waiting until the last minute to do something for school.  I wasn't the only one having this type of thing.  He had 6-8 friends that would group up at a house on a Friday evening and play video games until all hours of the night.  There were about 4 of us parents, that took turns hosting them, because trust me, 8 High School Boys will eat you out of house and home.  He would tell her that he was going over to their house and would see her the next day.  She would show up in the driveway.  His friends were even asking me to talk to him about her...she was driving them nuts too.

So I had conversations with him about how although it was great to be dating someone that wanted to be with you all the time, that he still needed to make time for his friends as well.  I found out later that he was telling her everything I said and she took everything that I said as I was wanting him away from her.

Am I sorry?  This sounds bad, but no.  I would do it all over again the same way.  My responsibility as his parent was to get him through High School and hopefully on to College (which he wanted to do).  Did that make me great MIL material in her eyes?  Probably not.

And love3, I bet you're a great DIL!  Too bad you got stuck with a bad MIL.  Sorry.

[NewMama]

I think "good MIL" and "good DIL" are relative terms. Someone can be a "good" IL to one person and a "bad" IL to another. Sometimes there's just some level of incompatibility. My MIL always wanted me to just fade into the background when she was around - not go near or look after my kids. That's not my parenting style. I know people who are more than happy to just hand their kid off to grandma whenever she's around. That's their parenting style. It's an incompatibility between us. Those people would be "good DILs" for her. I am not.

In the reverse of what Pooh said, I know that there are things I've done that greatly upset my MIL, but they were done in what I felt was my kids best interests (especially with ODS in infancy). Years later, I still feel that way, and would do it again even knowing full well the damage it's caused our relationship. Incompatibility.

My grandmother had three DILs - she got along with 2, and not at all with the third. Why? Each person had her own values and personality. Some traits made it easy to get along, and in one case, it didn't.

[love3]

I take pride in knowing that I can say all these things, knowing that I  never ruined the relationship  and that I am a happy good person who accepts and loves everyone and I know there are mill's out there who can say the same,  I can relate to you and I feel for you . 
New mama I also think it's a compatibility/incompatibility thing. Different values, morals, and personalities are always going to be there . People need to respect and accept these differences always,  as long if they're not hurting you . Its hard for mils to let go , yes that is very well established  but when it gets too out of hand to the point where the relationship between  the mil and  dil is officially broken, it can take a long time to repair. I could never imagine making my DH neglecting his family people who have done no harm to me in any way  just because I don't want to share him?  I just don't have the heart to do that.

Mil' s please get through your head that your son is an adult,  your dil is an aldult accept that and treat them with respect  just how you would another aldult. Your time of raising kids is over and now it's their time you should be proud and happy about it!

Dil' s don't make your DH stop seeing his loving and accepting  family because you don't like to share that's the meanest thing you can do to your DH you should be happy they love you and want you in their life! 

[lrubyhumbird]

When you have a manipulative dil who has her own agenda that is difficult. I don't like it when people are phony. My dil.mentally abuses my dS. She has Bpd.She has lied made up stuff etc. The pattern continues. I want no part of it . So my dS decides to keep my gC, from me to punish me. The only one suffering is the GC.I can't miss what I never had. I  was a great mother to him. I tried so hard to get along with my dil. I bought her things she wanted. Helped her get over her alcoholic problems. I am tired of walking on egg shells around her. It is her way or the highway. My ds. Backs  her  manipulation tactics. I owe them nothing.   Some of this generation lacks respect. They just don't get it. One day when their children turn on them, then they will learn what they taught their children through their utter selfishness. You must give to receive and visa versa.It isn't a one way street.

[love3]

lrubyhumbird : Your dil sounds like a handful! Mental abuse, bipolar disorder, alcohol , phoniness, she sounds like shes on a way different level! Im so sorry you have this kind of dil . My mil is phony, has made up lies to my dh, has plenty of manipulation tactics , and might have some type of personality disorder is what I feel like too maybe bipolar? aha. Because we know of the typical controlling intrusive mil , some dils use this as an advantage to make even the most nicest mil look like the "typical bad one" to their ds , and of course their dh gives in to manipulation. totally not fair.

[love3]

Also Lruby, I think the best thing you can do with a dil like this is to let them know you are always there for them , and if you find it hard to be around them then don't. . Your dil is very immature , things can get better if she realizes this and starts working with you . This is happening for a reason , whatever problems situation your ds and dil are in will come out to show later and your ds will see the reality hopefully, hopefully the both see.

[Stilllearning]

Oh Love3 I remember when I had the whole thing figured out!  I wish I could go back to that time.  Enjoy it while you can!

Good luck!

[Green Thumb]

There are some people that are just "toxic" and no matter what you do, they are difficult to be around, cause problems, are unhappy, complain, etc. etc. etc. We can let these types of people ruin our lives or we can learn to have boundaries and detach from them emotionally. It sounds harsh but is many people's reality.

[love3]

Green thumb- I am in that reality , except I never knew hard it is to detach from my mil after everything it should be easy ! She is not happy no matter how much you try to please her. It does sound harsh but I have to protect my family .

Still learning I guess I will enjoy it thanks! haha.

[Monroe]

  But mine started when OS was a Senior in High School and DIL was a year older and in College, so it threw a whole new dynamic in our situation.  He still had house rules, curfew, needed to get homework done, etc.  .  .  .  .  .  .  I was trying to keep him on track with finishing school and getting ready for college. 

Like Pooh,  our DIL came into our lives when DS was still in school.   Early early college.  I didn't need to be as involved as Pooh was, since he was out of high school, living away from home, etc.  But he met her when he was not even 21 years old, had over 4 years of school left, which we were paying for entirely, and our parenting was not quite done yet.   When he lived at home in the summers, he had to have a curfew, not because we were controlling him, but because we had to get up and go to work the next day, and it wasn't fair to keep us up all hours. 

So he resented some of the restrictions -- probably shared that with her.   So maybe she resented us for that.   Too bad.   Once he graduated and we were not supporting him, we had ZERO rules for him.   Fine.  He was not living with us, he could stay up all night, didn't bother us.  We weren't paying for anything. 

We included her on one family trip.  She seemed to think it was a getaway for the two of them and that we were in the way.  She didn't realize SHE was the add-on.   

I realized later that because he was still so young and we were still paying for everything, we thought of him as still part of our family, and that it was nice of us to include her in our family trip.   Maybe they thought of themselves as the primary unit.   I think they disregarded the fact they were not self-sufficient, they just wanted to be alone and decided it was us who was in the way.   Ooops!

Might things have gone better if he didn't meet her until he had worked a few years?   Maybe.  Because we are totally hands-off, non-meddling.  But it is tough if they meet their true love during that transition stage - when they are still dependent on the parents and the parents do have reasonable rules - but they think of themselves completely as adults.  (disregard that $$$$$ we shell out every year to the university, folks)   

And as long as we were paying for everything, we  got to set some rules.  They didn't like it, but too bad.   Now they are both graduated, have jobs, support themselves.  We express no opinions, give no advice, do not drop in, do not meddle in the least.   She still doesn't like us. 

Oh, well. 

[confusedbyinlaws]

I am with NewMama on this.  I am both a MIL and DIL.  I have never enjoyed spending time with my MIL.  So far I seem to have a good relationship with my DIL.  None of us is 100% good or 100% bad and sometimes the mix of two people is not good.  And there seems to be built-in problems with the MIL/DIL relationship.  I think I am more sensitive to the plight of DIL's because my relationship with my MIL was so difficult.  One thing I have learned from my relationship with my MIL is that as a MIL, I am a guest in my children's life and their family and not the other way around.  It is their family, their home and their way of doing things and if I get to be a part of that it is a privilege.    I don't have the right to dictate to them how to run their lives, even if I don't agree with how they do things. That doesn't mean they get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either. 
When I entered into marriage with my husband, I was eager to please my inlaws.  However they viewed the situation as I was joining their family and needed to adapt to them, and so I tried.   When I didn't adapt to all the things they liked and believed, I was criticized. I wish I would have realized that the criticism should not have been taken personally, because it was about them and not me.   When we were all together, it was about what they wanted.  I felt like an outsider who didn't fit in.  When it was just my husband and I and our kids, I felt fine.  I felt like my husband and I made joint decisions with the kids about what we wanted to do, eat, etc. and live our lives.  When my inlaws were around, they wanted to take over in my kitchen and made comments about the way I did things that were different from them.  I think my inlaws were good parents and did a good job raising their kids, but they didn't make the transistion very well to being parents of adult married kids with lives of their own and because of that I was the one that suffered.  However I could have avoided a lot of suffering if I hadn't been so eager to please them, and had been more assertive.  My husband and I should not have allowed the criticism and should not have allowed them to take over when WE invited them to OUR house.  I will never do that to my kids and their spouses.

[lrubyhumbird]

I too had a difficult mil. We were still a divided country in her eyes. So I was the enemy from the start. I too tried too hard to please... It did not work with my mil. I couldn't  be like her, so I again tried too hard to please and got taken for granted and manipulated in the process. It has always been about them, No respect. So when I finally said NO to something , it was hard for them to process.My Ds was shocked. It felt GREAT! The power of NO was amazing.... I will never be manipulated again. I never got involved unless asked but it was getting too much with all of my dil problems. He married her, he can deal with it. Put on his big boy pants and be an adult...