Author Topic: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.  (Read 6289 times)

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Offline BlueLotus

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Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« on: July 08, 2015, 01:01:37 AM »
 
My DFH and I have been together for almost five years, engaged for a four months. Things have been tough recently. Ever since we've started dating, his mother seems stand offish and uncaring, no matter how hard I try to be nice. He has always assured me that fmil loves me but her passive aggression and lies makes me think not. My fdh is in denial. My family and friends also sense something strange. There is some codependency issues. Also FMIL has a terrible relationship with her MIL to the point she says in front of DFH and I "why can't she just die already?". It's hard to hear .. Please ladies. I've reached out, been kind and polite.. give me advice or at least let me know I'm not alone.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2015, 05:04:42 AM »
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I've reached out, been kind and polite

Good for you!  Now sit back and smile - from when I sit, it appears that the "ball" is in your fmil's court.  It appears the relationship you want will not happen - really, that's O.K. - as your first obligation is to your future husband.  Sometimes, it just is what it is.

Personally, my (now deceased) MIL was a wonderful woman and I loved her dearly.  My (also deceased) FIL was very difficult and self-centered.  Whenever we had family holidays, I made sure that I was never alone with him or near him (if possible) and I kept my opinions to myself.  It worked - kept this up for several decades (since he did not like me, he did not want to be near me either).  I did this for my husband and his mother.  It was what it was.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2015, 06:46:03 AM »
i am in the situation with my dil.  everything seemed good until the grandbabies came. now the claws come out.  she puts up roadblocks on most visits and contacts.  at this point, when we do get to visit or talk, i just act the best i can, never make negative comments or ask for more contact.  can't say i miss you - it's been so long - nothing.  anything sets her and my ds off.
just happy, happy mom and enjoy what i get and move along.  trying not to think of how long until we see them again.
her family?  always there - always involved.  why?  really believe it is jealousy.  her husband's family loses - her husband loses - her kids lose.
there are a whole bunch of people who love them and want to see them.
 sorry for going on.
just be yourself with your mil - take what she gives as a relationship.  and decide if it hurts too much to move along......

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2015, 08:12:33 AM »
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she puts up roadblocks on most visits and contacts.  at this point, when we do get to visit or talk, i just act the best i can, never make negative comments or ask for more contact.  can't say i miss you - it's been so long - nothing.  anything sets her and my ds off.
just happy, happy mom and enjoy what i get and move along.  trying not to think of how long until we see them again.

So is this fun?  Are you enjoying it?..   I think we have to come to a point that the hurt and the stress of walking on eggshells far outweighs any benefits we are getting.   There comes a time when we need to think of ourselves.  No matter how much we wish things were different, we have no control over that.   Getting to the point of bowing out and worrying about our own lives is difficult.. but it can be done. 

Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2015, 11:16:51 AM »
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I've reached out, been kind and polite

Good for you!  Now sit back and smile - from when I sit, it appears that the "ball" is in your fmil's court.  It appears the relationship you want will not happen - really, that's O.K. - as your first obligation is to your future husband.  Sometimes, it just is what it is.

Personally, my (now deceased) MIL was a wonderful woman and I loved her dearly.  My (also deceased) FIL was very difficult and self-centered.  Whenever we had family holidays, I made sure that I was never alone with him or near him (if possible) and I kept my opinions to myself.  It worked - kept this up for several decades (since he did not like me, he did not want to be near me either).  I did this for my husband and his mother.  It was what it was.

You are right, but when I back off for a while.. and make my fdh and Foo a priority she makes a point to mention it to dfh and I. We live almost two hours away but we are moving closer this weekend. It's really expensive where she lives, so we chose the same town as my foo. We will be 25 minutes away from her, much closer but all she says is how happy my Foo must be. Her friend who I didn't know came up to me and said "so you two are moving near your family, huh. I guess it's the woman who always wins!"

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2015, 11:33:29 AM »
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Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2015, 11:38:12 AM »
   I feel as though she only wants a relationship with her ds only.  She wants me around so he's around. I'd be okay with that if she wasn't bad-mouthing me to other family members. An example- I cook and clean, but sometimes dfh likes to bbq. That translates to him having to do all the cooking in her mind. She has told other family members things like this,  and it is awkward having to explain myself to them. When I mention anything to my dfh, he says she doesn't mean any harm.

Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2015, 11:42:19 AM »
Thank you, LV.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2015, 11:56:08 AM »
   I feel as though she only wants a relationship with her ds only.  She wants me around so he's around. I'd be okay with that if she wasn't bad-mouthing me to other family members. An example- I cook and clean, but sometimes dfh likes to bbq. That translates to him having to do all the cooking in her mind. She has told other family members things like this,  and it is awkward having to explain myself to them. When I mention anything to my dfh, he says she doesn't mean any harm.

Guess I'm not really clear on what sort of advise you are looking for.     Sometimes there is no solution and two people don't mix.    My DIL and I have not seen one another for 5 years.   My son comes to see us regularly and brings the kids.  We see them for Thanksgiving while she goes to her FOO... and they are by us Christmas Eve and by her FOO Christmas Day..   It's a solution that works in our case... it makes both of us happy..  It makes my son happy too as he no longer feels he is in the middle.  We are all relaxed when we are together and no one feels they have to watch every word or monitor for insults or innuendos, and can enjoy the visit.   It may not be the solution for everyone, but in our case, after many years of discomfort.. it works just fine.   

Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2015, 12:16:40 PM »
I think that solution is probably what will eventually happen. I just don't think it's fair or right to split up a family on holidays to make others happy. My dfh hates going anywhere without me on holidays. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with spending holidays away from my own children just because fMIL doesn't want a good relationship with me.. My DFH and I always talk about how great it would be to host our own thanksgivings, and Christmas'.I remember us mentioning that at her house one day, and she glared and walked out of the room. I don't understand why. It does not make any sense to me. Isn't that what couples talk about?

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2015, 01:58:58 PM »
I think that solution is probably what will eventually happen. I just don't think it's fair or right to split up a family on holidays to make others happy. My dfh hates going anywhere without me on holidays. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with spending holidays away from my own children just because fMIL doesn't want a good relationship with me.. My DFH and I always talk about how great it would be to host our own thanksgivings, and Christmas'.I remember us mentioning that at her house one day, and she glared and walked out of the room. I don't understand why. It does not make any sense to me. Isn't that what couples talk about?

Well, as I said, it's not a solution everyone can reach... It works for us because my son wants to maintain relationship with his FOO too..  and it wasn't possible with her and I..    I DO give her credit for being adult enough to realize that it was important for her husband and children to maintain a relationship with his side of the family.. despite the fact that she and I will never be able to get along.    As I said.. it may not work for everyone, but does for us.

Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2015, 02:22:14 PM »
If you don't mind me asking, what happened between you two to reach that solution?
 I think it's important for adult children to be with their foo on holidays, but I also think it's important for a marriage and family to have a few of their own traditions as well. My parents divorced when I was young and holidays had to be split up because of this. I hated that growing up. My father only stuck around a few years after the divorce. But I still had to go visit my gma on his side without my mother on Christmas eve and my sister, brother and I hated it. My Dfh grew to really hate his gma. I don't want to give up so quickly, but I don't want to have expectations from her emotionally either. When do you call it quits?

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2015, 03:10:45 PM »
If you don't mind me asking, what happened between you two to reach that solution?
 I think it's important for adult children to be with their foo on holidays, but I also think it's important for a marriage and family to have a few of their own traditions as well. My parents divorced when I was young and holidays had to be split up because of this. I hated that growing up. My father only stuck around a few years after the divorce. But I still had to go visit my gma on his side without my mother on Christmas eve and my sister, brother and I hated it. My Dfh grew to really hate his gma. I don't want to give up so quickly, but I don't want to have expectations from her emotionally either. When do you call it quits?

Actually,   She and my son were married for 10 years and had 3 kids when the split happened.  Up until that point, I believed that everything was fine between us.  The split happened when I stupidly sent her a friend request on FB and she didn't respond.  When I asked her why, she blew up like a roman candle and began reciting all the horrible things that I had supposedly done and said over a 10 year period.  Things I had no idea were a problem.. Words led to words... there was an enormous argument.  She said things to me that I can NEVER forgive her for.. and that was the end..  She will never be  allowed in my home again.  Nearly a year went by without me seeing my grand kids.. This really bothered my son.. and I  don't know what transpired between them, or what agreement they reached, and I have never asked,  but he began bringing the kids over, and he began splitting up the holidays between her and her family.. and he and the kids and us.   I never begged him too.. I was well prepared to never see him again.. and he knows me well enough to know I meant it.    It's been working fine..

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2015, 05:46:49 PM »
You say your fiance is in denial of how his mommy is. Is that correct? Does he stand up for you, speak up for you, when she is putting you down?

The advice I might give is to accept that this is how it will always be, between you, fiance, and his mother. She is never going to be nice or loving. You may want to google narcissistic family dynamics and see if any of the traits fit your situation. You have no power to change the  mother, you can only change how you act and react and think about this situation. It is not personal towards you. She would act this way with any other fiance her son brings home. It is not about you, it about what is inside of her. One can make peace with that notion and detach and accept it for what it is -- or one can fight reality and experience arguments, unhappiness and heartache in dealing with her.

It is possible that your finance has been trained since childhood not to rock the boat with mom and to cater to her every emotion and whim, simply because that is how it is and how she demands it. He may have low self esteem if she used the verbal "put down" technique to control him as a child. If he is enmeshed and his goal is to make mommy happy rather than face her wrath, this is what you have to expect from him. Every time mommy has an emotional fit to get her way, to control the family, to divide and conquer your marriage, this may bring huge stress into your marriage. Your power is inside yourself and how you react and how realistic your expectations are for your fiance.


Offline BlueLotus

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Re: Trying to be hopeful, it's getting harder every year.
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2015, 09:00:07 PM »


Actually,   She and my son were married for 10 years and had 3 kids when the split happened.  Up until that point, I believed that everything was fine between us.  The split happened when I stupidly sent her a friend request on FB and she didn't respond.  When I asked her why, she blew up like a roman candle and began reciting all the horrible things that I had supposedly done and said over a 10 year period.  Things I had no idea were a problem.. Words led to words... there was an enormous argument.  She said things to me that I can NEVER forgive her for.. and that was the end..  She will never be  allowed in my home again.

  Thats wrong for her to bottle up and hide her feelings. We can't read each others minds. When you say supposedly do you mean she was making up stories? And she turned around and said horrible things back to you? Was it a personal attack? I'm glad you get to see your grandchildren, and it hasn't ruined your relationship with them, or your son. Has she ever tried apologizing, or vice versa?

  I'm friends with my FMIL on FB and honestly I have been a little more careful about what I say because anything I posted would turn into something negative. I love to bake, its a passion of mine. I have all the pictures of everything that I bake. She has turned it into "FDH does all the cooking, and BlueLotus only bakes bad foods". I don't do it all the time, just if I have some free time. My FDH loves that I cook and bake, it's something he does boast about to everyone. My FMIL has put down my FDH about gaining a couple Lbs when he started his desk job. He is very fit. It sounded crazy to me that she would say that. She blamed my baking in a subtle way. His whole family hates heavy people and are always on new diets. My DFH and I are extremely active and eat pretty healthy but we don't put restrictions on ourselves.

 Each thanksgiving and sometimes xmas I'd bring a pie I have for 3 yrs now. I did it the first yr because it was requested. Last thanksgiving my FDH was on the phone with his parents, I heard him say I was making pies again. We walk in with pies, and FMIL says "oh! I had no clue you were making pies! I decided to make a one, I hadn't in years!" all the IL's had a grin on their face. I know my DFH had told both of them. When he brought that up she said she forgot. At first it didn't bug me, almost everyone tried my pies, I got to bring the rest home, but now looking back with everything else she does it is a little strange. I'm just baking for m family only from now on. 

 Was she trying to compete? Was it her way of bonding? Did my help and contribution turn into a resentment? Is this all a game to her? Why do I care? I don't feel MILs or DILs should be in competition, they should work together as a team. We're all adults. There is enough love to go around. Even with the things she's done, she does have a sweet side sometimes and I really do love and care about her. I don't think its right that your DIL was so hurtful. I'm sorry for the long reply. I feel much better getting this all out and hearing all the wonderful advice. I think acceptance will be difficult for me.. I know its what I need to do. Thank you all for your support and knowledge. It is really appreciated.