Author Topic: very sad with AD things not changing  (Read 1554 times)

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Offline Linda

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very sad with AD things not changing
« on: June 28, 2015, 10:07:55 AM »
Just to recap, AD was in a controlling abusive relationship which resulted in her alienating the family and was being extremely disrespectful, bad language, hurtful words, etc.  We cut her off.  A couple of months later asked to move back home after leaving abusive situation.  We said yes, but with rules.  She is 20, still disrespectful and rude.  Thinks we owe her.  She quit school and is on employment insurance.  I am saddened by her behaviour.  Doesn't seem like she will change.  When I suggest counseling,  she gets more defensive.  I fear kicking her out again.  I fear her becoming homeless and on welfare.  I fear the circle of friends are not progressive people but loser partiers.  Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.  Thank you.

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2015, 01:14:13 PM »
It is hard to live with someone acting ugly and bitter as she does. Stressful and makes the house tense and unhappy. I am very sorry you are dealing with such stress. I know you love her. Right now you are acting/reacting on fear, you have mentioned fear 3x in your post. Fear is a great stopper of moving forward or doing what needs to be done. We are often held hostage by fear. Examine what you are afraid of so you can parent this young woman in a way that is truly best for her. Perhaps counseling for you to figure things out.

The other thing I hear is manipulation on her part to blame you for all the problems. If you take this on as truth, it doesn't help her. Frankly she's at a hard age, she is back at home after having failed to fly on her own. If she can't take self responsibility, you or someone else will always be the scapegoat.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2015, 03:36:39 PM »
Yes, the way GT wrapped her post up is my experience, as well. Stepping back and out of the  firing line so our AC can learn the lessons they need to learn is no small task. And yet they all have to grow up to be able to make it. Enabling dependency and accepting abuse just puts it off, and in my situation with my ES, made it worse. The truth is we all did our best and now it's up to them. Our best wasn't perfect but since the perfect parent/human has yet to walk this earth, our humanness is not a viable excuse for blame and inaction. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Linda

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 08:57:26 AM »
It's now mid August 2015, we had to phone police and request crisis intervention.  They were very helpful and placed some resources which AD did not accept.  The hard truth was hearing from the crisis intervention woman was that we can no longer accept AD abuse in our home.  And also to learn that we did nothing wrong and are doing the right thing by removing her from our home.  We have an AS that is also being affected by all of this.  She is threatening us by saying that abusive ex is the only one that understands her and she is going back to him.  Hard to fathom....although she says a lot of extremely hurtful things and knows oh too well how to push my buttons.  Thanks again for your vital and strong words, it means a lot.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2015, 09:04:59 AM »
It sounds to me like you are headed for healing. One thing I told myself when I was in the thick of it...was to not clutter up the situation with logic. There was none in it anywhere! Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2015, 10:14:31 AM »
Sorry to hear you had to take this step, but very proud of you for doing it.  If we let fear rule our lives, we have no life.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Linda

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2015, 11:13:43 AM »
Thank you ladies  :)

Offline kate123

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2015, 06:53:09 AM »
Linda, You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Your daughter sounds like my bf's daughter, although she is now 30. But she has been in the same situation for 10 years because she won't help herself. She moves from one place to another always depending on others to give her money, food, and a roof. I know my bf gives her money all the time though he denies it. IMO he is part of her problem because he is supporting her bad choices.

A month ago she once again found herself homeless. In a weak moment I offered my home- for a day or two- not more. Needless to say that was a mistake. On day three she and bf got into a fight, I believe she was suffering from drug withdrawal. After a scene of screaming and cussing she insisted he take her to a hotel in her hometown, which he not only did but paid for. I try not to say much, but inside I am angry that he just keeps supporting her, and while he is doing that he leaves me paying the bills until he can catch up financially.

Last week she again became homeless and called him. He saw her and gave him boxes of her stuff to store. I told him he could not bring the stuff into my home, I am done with the nonsense between the two of them. And coincidently he is beyond broke.

These kind of people, leaches, don't want to live by the rules of making your own way. It is much easier to mooch off others so you can do what you want- not take steady work, and get others to pay your bills.

Linda, your daughter will be the same at 30 as she is at 20 if you don't force her to fly by refusing help. I tried to suggest to my bf's daughter to join the National Guard or military, but oh no- she would have to leave her loser friends. Tough love is the only answer for these girls. Keep us posted- hope this helped.

Offline kate123

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2015, 07:03:05 AM »
BTW- the during the latest homeless situation I know they (bf and daughter) wanted me to give her a second chance and invite her to stay again. NOPE, that ain't happening!! (excuse the English, just trying to make a point). Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Offline Linda

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Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2015, 06:02:34 PM »
Ladies, again thank you all so much.  I am heeding your words, you are great sisters with great advice.  KATE123, It was particularly difficult reading your post but I thank you....reality hurts but I need it so.  My husband and I are on the same page in this difficult situation, this helps.  She is sending him texts saying that we do not help her and we don't care.  He went to her apartment (which she will lose at the end of Oct), to talk to her, Dad to daughter, she basically told him off yet blamed him.  I turnrd to him and said we now have to stop.  I ache but know I am doing the right thing.  Again, very hard to fathom that this beautiful girl that we raised so lovingly, provided all the required needs and education can be so hurtful and mean.  Hard to admit that drugs, alcohol and loser friends play a major part and wondering if she will ever take responsibility for her own behaviours....