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Sons

Started by Costigantl, May 26, 2015, 07:35:10 pm

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Costigantl

Hello-
I always put my kids first. I was married to their dad for 31 years and only divorced 6 months ago. After years of enduring the silent treatment and his over the top rages, I had had enough. He was never physically abusive to me but was to our second child, my oldest son. After one too many times of the silent treatment, in despair, I googled his symptoms- inability to tolerate criticism, lack of empathy, etc- and boom, narcissistic personality disorder came up. That day changed my life. Though I am a nurse practitioner, I was not well versed in psych. Long story short, I decided that I wanted out but had to stay another year with him to get on my feet financially. During that time, I started seeing a friend that I had known for 20 years, and fell in love with him. My ex husband found out- this was only 2 months before I moved out, but he told my kids and I have no idea what he has told them since, but I am convinced he has made it seem that my seeing someone else was the reason the marriage broke up. Nothing could be further from the truth. My daughter seems okay with it now though it took her a while. My youngest son is getting better. But my middle one, who suffered so much at my ex's hands, is barely talking to me at all. I stay in contact with his wife and their 2 children but he didn't even text or call me on Mothers Day. I have done so much for my kids and grandkids, and I now feel that none of that matters to him at all. I raised my kids as best I could, and they are grown and gone. But I feel that they do not want me to have a life of my own and that they would have preferred that I stay with their dad and been miserable.

luise.volta

Welcome. C. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the five posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Web-forum.

I had the same experience with my sons when I gave up on our marriage. They were young, grade school and middle school and they couldn't care less what was going on with us. We were there for them and they didn't want us to do anything to upset that. Adults were to be seen, not heard. We were to pay the bills, provide a home and keep them comfortable. I guess that about covered it. They were sweet kids, just self-absorbed and we were totally taken for granted...all of which was 'normal'. Many times, I wished I could have stayed...but 18 years was a far as I thought I could go back then. Now, at age 88, I know I can and have gone a lot farther than tha and survived. When our kids are kids...to some extent, we are too. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

C, welcome to the site. You aren't alone, as you have probably already learned by reading volumes of old posts! Your DS may need a lot more time to figure it all out. Best wishes to you all.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Green Thumb

Welcome, and very sorry to hear your pain. Your story is similar to mine. It seems the one who upsets the apple cart is the one who is ostracized. No matter that the other spouse is hateful or narcissistic and really caused the divorce by their behavior. I am just now figuring out that two of my AC may be narcissistic like their father. Gosh, I never wanted that. My two AD have made N daddy their wonderful dad after the divorce, their hero, their best friend, and he has manipulated them into making him and his new wife their "favorite" parents.  This daddy who ignored them all their growing years. You see, I finally figured out the ex taught the kids to disrespect me during the marriage and during the divorce and he continues to bash me == so after the divorce of course they continue to disrespect me!  It was too late by then. My husband and myself are out of the picture and the AD are not nice to us. Its a learning experience and not one I would wish on anyone else. My current husband and I were talking about this today.  What we were talking about was how at some point we have to let go of expectations. Stop caring, of course we love them, but it isn't the relationship we hoped for when they were born. It is what it is. Stop beating our head against the wall hoping for change. Detach so we aren't constantly grieving or being hurt.