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she had the baby

Started by dogmusic, May 22, 2015, 10:53:20 am

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dogmusic

May 22, 2015, 10:53:20 am Last Edit: May 22, 2015, 10:55:44 am by luise.volta
Well I learned through a sibling that my AD had her baby. I was pretty upset that I haven't been a part of anything. I cried for a bit then I texted her congratulations hope all is well. Heard nothing back of course. She just hates me. I was so good to her but she doesn't see it that way. Anyway, I'm afraid I pulled out the vodka. Don't worry. One toddy and I'm shot. I thought I was taking the higher road by acknowledging the birth. Better than completely ignoring it right? I didn't really expect a response. It's all so sad. They used the MIL's name for the middle name. That's ok. They picked a nice name. I don't really like my name anyway. I know she will come home to visit, see her uncle and her brother and not see me. It's the worst thing she could do so I know that is what she will do. I don't understand where all the hate is coming from. Oh well. Maybe someday she will grow up.

luise.volta

Oh, honey...there is sometimes no understanding what doesn't make sense. I know it must be beyond your comprehension. It sure was beyond mine. When my first grandchild was born, he was kept 'safely' from me because 'my bad vibes could harm him.' Huh? What I did was turn toward what did make sense. I deserve a joyful and happy life, not one of punishment for imagined deeds of malice. And I have found peace and fulfillment there. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dogmusic

Thank you so much luise. I am so sad. This is one of the downer days.

luise.volta

Of course it's a downer day. And...it is healthy and honest to experience the truth of that, no matter how painful.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dogmusic

I suppose she went home today from the hospital. I made her a baby blanket at Christmas time but I never heard a thank you. I would have loved to go out and buy little girl outfits. Oh well... I texted my AS to say I knew that the baby had arrived and he never texted me back. I don't know what is going on with him now. He probably hates me too. I don't think anything makes sense anymore. Do AC really have babies and never speak to their parents about it? I mean is that even normal? Meanwhile I am just sick and my DH is sleeping in the chair. He says he's not going to let AD's behavior ruin another weekend. I am so confused..... I know he is really upset but he puts it in a compartment to go on with things. I just can't do that. I feel like I am going crazy. I can't spend the whole weekend crying.

Green Thumb

Men are able to compartmentalize and it is a good thing. They go to work and leave problems at home. They come home and leave work problems there. We women ruminate and make things grow in our heads and hearts. We carry them and nurture the pain until it envelopes our lives and creates depression, bitterness, etc.

Dogmusic, I feel for you.  I am very very sorry.  My fear is I am going to be in your shoes when my ADs have children.  Actually, I don't fear, I know, I expect to be the ignored grandmother. I am currently the ignored mother of the bride, I get how it feels.

There is no answer to why. No good answer anyway. You will never understand why. Perhaps you daughter is a narcissist or mentally ill enough to be creating this drama.

Is it mean to say you have to stop carrying this water? I mean detach and let it go. You are giving her all the power over you, she owns your mind, and she wins by your ruminating and nurturing the thoughts and the pain. I know you love her, I know you would be an excellent grandmother. But that isn't the reality of it, and you have to accept the reality of it.  Living in the "I wish" and the "why?" of it keeps us grounded in sorrow. I write this as much for you as for me. Sending you peace and love and more peace.

dogmusic

Thanks Greenthumb.  I have been feeling pretty low about AD. I keep thinking about her and her new baby but I know I have to forget about them.  Who goes through and entire pregnancy and childbirth without talking to her mother? Who doesn't even tell her mother that she had a baby or even send pictures of the newborn? She must be mentally ill. Normal people just don't do that even if the relationship isn't ideal.  Maybe someday she will regret what she has done, maybe not. It's just all so sad. I am trying to keep busy. I have some craft projects I have been working on. DH is retired but works part-time during the school year. He will be off for the summer so we are planning some activities. Also hoping to sell our house (downsizing). If it gets sold we will have more than enough to occupy our minds so I am hoping for that.

dogmusic

and also i am thinking never expect anything good and then you can never be hurt

Pen

Expectations can get us into trouble, for sure. But hope is different. I'd like to think we can hope without having expectations. Does that make any sense?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Green Thumb

I don't know how to have hope or be hopeful without expectations. I prefer no hope and no expectations but everyone is different and I respect what you say, Penn. It is my hope for a closer relationship that makes me sad, cause it is always dashed. It is my expectation that the AC will be "nice" and "love me" and treat me right that makes me feel so deflated, demeaned and down after holidays or talking to them or whatever contact I have with them. I think everyone walks this path differently and comes to their own peace in different ways. Thank goodness for the support here on this forum.

dogmusic

So my lovely(ahem) AD texted me a pic of the baby with her name. That was it. Nothing else. I was unsure of how to respond, if at all, to this wonderful message. So I sat and I thought and I sat some more and then I texted "thanks for the pic. she is cute". Heard nothing back of course. Probably just wants to taunt me. Can't send a gift. She moved and didn't inform us where she moved to. Beautiful. She can buy all the clothes herself.