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I want to share some hopeful news

Started by Lillycache, May 15, 2015, 05:51:37 am

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Lillycache

Six months ago I posted about having had to have police remove my adult son from my home, due to violence and severe alcoholism.   It has been very difficult, and there for a while he used every manipulative trick in the book to get me to let him come home..  However, I refused.  It was the hardest thing I have had to do. 

He has remained at a large Veterans hospital campus, and is presently residing in a homeless veterans shelter.  With intense treatment and constant encouragement, he has remained sober.   As with most alcoholics, he is in debt and has had collection agencies hounding him for payment.  A few weeks ago, a distant relative passed away, leaving him a small amount of money, which he has used to settle his debt with creditors.  He actually took the initiative to call them and negotiate a settlement.  So by the end of the month he will officially be debt free, except for a student loan, which he has managed to apply for and get an forbearance due to hardship.   The point is HE DID this HIMSELF..  I am so overwhelmed and grateful..

Now he is in the process of completing a Compensated Work Therapy program at the VA.  He will be assigned a six month paid position inside the hospital while he looks for other permanent employment.  He is also eligible for subsidized housing through VA.   I remain cautiously optimistic, but more and more I am seeing a future for him, one that I could not imagine just 6 months ago.  He certainly is an entirely different person without alcohol, although we both realize that he is and always be an alcoholic and relapse is only one drink away.  Scary.. but I am looking at only one day at a time.  There just may be a rainbow at the end of this storm. 

Monroe

Lilly - congratulations.  These are good signs.  You refused to be an enabler, and he did what he had to do.  I am especially impressed with your strength in refusing to "rescue" him (which of course only keeps him incapable) - and your awareness that even a single drink could undermine all he has accomplished.  Congratulations are in order - for him, of course, but also for YOU!  You go, girl!


Lillycache

Quote from: Monroe on May 15, 2015, 08:24:12 am
Lilly - congratulations.  These are good signs.  You refused to be an enabler, and he did what he had to do.  I am especially impressed with your strength in refusing to "rescue" him (which of course only keeps him incapable) - and your awareness that even a single drink could undermine all he has accomplished.  Congratulations are in order - for him, of course, but also for YOU!  You go, girl!


Thanks, but before we came to this point I had enabled him for many, many, years.  His is 45 years old.  However, we both had to hit bottom before it stopped.   That came for me when the situation became violent.   Seriously, and I hate to admit it, but I came home and found him drunk out of his mind and he hit me.. and I hit him back, several times, with a closed fist,  and in my rage and frustration, I realized I enjoyed it..  It was at that point I knew we had to break the cycle and he needed to be removed from my home..  I had never hit anyone in my life, let alone my own child.. BUT  I had never been pushed to that point before, and I have vowed it will never happen again.

luise.volta

L - I can't find words. This isn't anything I have experienced, so I have nothing personal to share. Only love...for all of you...always. Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Monroe

Lilly - yes, I get that you enabled him for many years.  But you STOPPED, and that wisdom and strength led him to take the steps he has taken.  Of course you will both need to continue to be strong - and of course you both had to hit bottom before you could take these steps - but I stand by my previous post.  Congratulations are due to BOTH of you.  Love and best wishes -


Pen

So happy for your DS and for you! Thank you for sharing your very hopeful news. Best wishes on continued success!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Great progress Lilly.  I too hope the good news continues.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Green Thumb

Living and loving an alcoholic is hard. It is really heart warming to hear things are going well for your son. Relapse is a part of sobriety and so expect this and let it be as it will be. Sometimes we enable, sometimes we have shame and guilt. Stay strong. I learned from Al Anon that when I stopped rescuing my alcoholic, he would face his own consequences and learn to solve his own problems. When I solved them for him, he blamed me for his failures and kept on going. Al Anon says that we promote their self blame by rescuing them as the message is "you can't". This alcoholic still drinks/drugs, still blames me and is very vindictive. But at least I am not married to him any longer! And you know what, alcoholism or drug addiction does create anger, as well as shame in the family of the user. I can understand you punching him when he was drunk that time.