Author Topic: I hate Mother's Day  (Read 1616 times)

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Offline Green Thumb

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I hate Mother's Day
« on: April 30, 2015, 06:06:17 PM »
Urghh, I let myself get hopeful this year for no good reason and now I realized that nothing has changed and I am sad that Mother's Day is coming. My estrangement with my ADs has been a little better but neither girl is loving or nice. One is getting married soon and I am not a part of anything even though I have offered to help. Real pity party going on here cause I recently realized their narcissistic father remarried a narcissistic woman who wants my AC to be hers, hers seem to avoid her. And my AC seem to kiss her butt. Hmmm. My in-laws are still alive and they are all hateful and mean and the mother abuses narcotics. I am already projecting and making next weekend a catastrophe. I am depressed and I was doing so well at detaching. My ADs are mean and self centered and I am always tense around them. So why do I let myself get hopeful? Please give me a pep talk.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2015, 06:26:19 PM »
I spent a couple of Thanksgiving Days feeling like someone had kicked me in the gut because my DS and DIL chose to ignore us for holidays.  Then one year my DH said that Thanksgiving Day was going to be the last good weather day we would have for a while and did I really want to waste that day cooking?  We went to the beach that Thanksgiving and left the turkey in the frig.  We cooked that bird over the weekend when the weather was gray and rainy. That was the year that I learned that most of the pressure I put on a particular day (Christmas, Birthdays, Mother's Day, etc) was actually placed there by people who want to sell stuff and re-enforced by my own silly need for approval.  I am stronger than that.  I can be happy without a gift.  Actually, I am just plain happy!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline shiny

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2015, 05:10:40 AM »
It's been a hard lesson to learn, but finally, I'm there ... (I think!)
The secret? Refocus.
Take my thoughts off of myself or my thoughtless, hurtful AC, and on to my blessings.
And we all have them.
I can slip into a pity party in a split-second if I so choose.
Just yesterday, I was at the hospital with my elderly mother who is very ill, and while walking past the rooms of other hurting people, was reminded rather quickly to be thankful.
I refuse to give my AC that power any longer, that is, to make me happy or miserable -- I want to control that.
Besides, I know that I was a good mother. Perfect? No.
But they were loved and provided for -- maybe too much ...
Have come to realize the way they treat me is NOT about me, but about them.
I've also come to recognize that since I don't know why they act the way they do towards me, to be patient and compassionate towards them since they're probably not at peace with themselves.They have things going on in their lives that we don't know about. Many times they just need to mature. Yet we think they're supposed to be mature as we are and forget how we were at their age. Ha!
I'm getting to a point, like some others, not to put that much emphasis on a particular day, because all of the holidays have become a money making event.
Not going to let the "special day" rob me of enjoyment just because of my AC actions -- or lack of them.
I enjoy those times better when the unexpected words or gift comes, however small, just because they're thinking of you.
It has taken some time to reach this mindset, but you can retrain your thoughts.
And it's so worth it!
Be proactive, not reactive, and make plans this week to do something special for yourself and for another mother or grandmother! (or anyone who could use a little kindness!)
That's what I'm doing!

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2015, 06:13:52 AM »
When is Mother's Day?

Offline shiny

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2015, 06:33:36 AM »
Whoa, LC!!
I need to get where you are -- hehe!
Psst! (It's May 10)
The main reason I'm aware is to be thoughtful of my mother, who is now seriously ill.
Treat yourself!

Offline Pooh

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2015, 07:10:57 AM »
Sorry GT that this happened.  It truly stinks, no doubt about it.

Here's what I did after the first couple of years to get past the pity party.

1.  I give myself a Mother's day present.  That means I go do something I love or I go spend money on something just for me that I have been wanting.  I celebrate myself because no matter what, I KNOW I did the best job at being a Mother that I could.  You don't have to spend money.

2.  I enjoy celebrating the other Mother's in my family that do appreciate me.  My Mother, my MIL and my good DIL.  I make sure that they know that they did a great job as Mothers and that DIL knows she is doing a great job.  It makes me feel good to make them feel good.  And then I go clean my GM's grave (I said before that is probably weird).  I weed everything, put out fresh flowers and have a word or two with her.  It gives me peace somehow. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2015, 07:12:47 AM »
Whoa, LC!!
I need to get where you are -- hehe!
Psst! (It's May 10)
The main reason I'm aware is to be thoughtful of my mother, who is now seriously ill.
Treat yourself!

Oh good.... I have plans to be out of town anyway..  whew...

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2015, 08:14:54 AM »
wish i could get past the idea of this and all other holidays too.   last yr, the phone call came at night after i spent all day waiting to hear, wondering if a call would come.  i am trying to read self help books, talk to friends who are supportive.  finding that fb is a killer for me, seeing others with pix and happy comments about their wonderful days.
my ds tells me that i am causing the problem - they're always open to visits.  then calls, emails that i make are ignored. how can i visit if they don't return calls? i called 2 wks ago, ds hasn't called since. his dad emailed about something silly and ds responded immediately.
it is just me that is a problem for them.  fully believe my dil is jealous.  ds needs to go along and won't deal w/my want to spend time with them.   miss my grands.
wish their hearts were more open  :-[

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2015, 11:09:53 AM »
I had to ask myself.... Do I really like being around my grown children.  In answering honestly... the answer was "not much"  and sometimes not at all.   We don't have that much to talk about, other than the past..  and how much can you rehash old memories.  Strolling down memory lane can be good for a few laughs once in a while, but that's about it.   So after the perfunctory.. "What's new?".. "how have you been?"..  and getting the same one or two word answers, the conversation dwindles and attention is turned to the TV or to some hand held electronic device.  Can you tell me, what's fun about that? 

Same with the grandkids.   I like to see them..  They are cute.. but my patience for small children is limited.  Call me a bad grandma, but that's just the way it is.  It's not that I don't love them, but after about an hour or two, I need some quiet.

I would much rather spend the day with friends my own age doing things that interest me than sitting and watching my ACs watching television.   Now don't get me wrong.  I love my kids..  I would do anything I could to help them, but I'm so over the mommy thing.   Now is the time for ME.   Perhaps I sound selfish, but believe me... my sons don't mind it one bit. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2015, 12:44:35 PM »
Selfish On!  I think it's wonderful. :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: I hate Mother's Day
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2015, 08:05:42 AM »
I wish I could spend Mother's Day with my mom and my MIL, but sadly both have passed away. My AC aren't always on top of things and DH isn't much for any holidays, so I "selfishly" treat myself to something I want (time alone with a good book or movie; mani/pedi; a hike with girlfriends; time to wander through antique stores; etc.) It doesn't make it all better, but at least I honor the effort I put into childrearing and the years I can't get back, lol!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb