Author Topic: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?  (Read 1311 times)

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Offline dogmusic

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Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« on: April 30, 2015, 04:19:11 AM »
Just wondering if you think your kids have mental issues? I think my AD has borderline personality disorder (BPD). I think my sister also has BPD. She married and moved away when she was 22 and called my mother almost every day and talked to her for at least an hour. My mother used to sit there at the table holding the phone away from her ear and roll her eyes. My sister never knew how my mother would get so frustrated sometimes. All my mom said was I don't know why she needs to do this but she needs to so I just listen. My sister would just go on about her job, her kids, her neighbors, and her husband who she complained about all the time. Anyway seems like a weird attachment to my mother. My sister always hated me and the rest of the siblings. :( I used to say that I thought her behavior was strange. Now my AD complains that she has to call me more than I call her. She thinks that is a good reason to never speak to me again. Really that is about the worst thing she has on me. So I went back and checked the call log on my phone. She averaged about 8 calls to me per month and I averaged about 6 calls to her. There were a couple months over a year's time that I called her more often. What???? This seems mentally ill to me. She also says that she has to protect her children from me. What??? Because I spoiled them?? I think she is jealous of the attention I gave them. I tried to reach out to her by sending an email with positive thoughts. She is about to have a baby and I told her I thought it would be the best thing for her if she had her parents there for support. She never responded. Oh well. I think I have done everything I can do as a loving mother to get her attention, to get back on track. She just doesn't want us in her life. So sad. She and her kids were my world. I would have done anything for them. She has no clue what she has done to her life.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2015, 04:44:15 AM »
Quote
if you think your kids have mental issues

Yes, I believe that our ex-DIL also suffered from mental issues (probably BPD as you also mentioned).  Don't know for sure, of course.  We did everything we could think of to be kind, considerate, compassionate and loving.  We walked on eggshells (which is a dead giveaway for mental health issues, especially BPD).  It did not work.

My husband and I believe our eldest grandchild also suffers from mental health issues (presently in college).  So, we decided to do the opposite - I mean being "kind" did not work - we call our grandchild on everything - every lie, every bad behaviour we observe, every poor judgment, etc. and then we say how much we care and we will always be there.  So far, it is working.  I know that is not what is suggested on some of the mental health sites, but what did we have to lose?  We also expect honesty and will definitely get it from us.  The maternal grandparents are also doing the same thing as is our son, the father.  Like I said, so far it is working.  One more thing - we said if you need us, just call or text and we will be there to help you as soon as possible.  I do not believe that those with mental health issues are necessarily aware that they are manipulative or controlling; their actions do indicate this, though.  I guess what I am saying is that we are trying to teach how to survive with integrity and morally and independently in this world.  Anyway - that is what we are doing ...

Offline dogmusic

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2015, 06:20:53 AM »
I tried the honesty thing with our AD.  In her case, it caused her to become enraged and she just kept denying her obvious behavior. Then she would attack me with insults and hateful comments. She would conclude with a statement about how she is not hateful. She doesn't have a hateful bone in her body. No one has ever accused her of being hateful, etc. I was also thinking what have I got to lose? Oh well. Maybe someday I'll figure out what works with her. Her oldest son who is 5 is a little off. Not quite sure what is wrong but time will tell.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2015, 07:02:01 AM »
I think because we are grandparents we can "get away" with things that we could not with our ex-DIL.  I do know that the parents of our ex-DIL are struggling beyond belief (well, not beyond your belief) with their DD.  The experts say to "validate, validate, validate" and I do believe it works somewhat, but eventually, we need to realize that "we" count too.  I believe that is when we start to get better; they run away.  Anyway, that has been the story in our lives.

Concerning your grandson, does he suffer from extreme anxiety?  One of our grandchildren was able to "go off alone" and survive when living with the mother and continues to see her monthly; the other was the scapegoat and antagonized the mother until the mother has abandoned her elder child.  This child suffers from extreme anxiety and separation issues.  I do hope you are able to see your grandson often and give him some respite from their home environment (and I doubt if it will be peaceful and loving).  The issue really belongs with your son-in-law; let's hope he will be there to protect his child (and any future children).  There really is no answer, is there?

As is said on the mental health sites - you did not cause it; you can not control it; you can not cure it.  Maybe some day things will get better but it will not be your call.  And you are correct - she has no clue (yet) what she has done to her life.  Or yours ....

Offline dogmusic

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2015, 07:35:14 AM »
Nope - no answer just heartbreak. I can't be there for my grandson because my AD wants nothing to do with us. She has cut off all communication. Her DH seems like a nice guy and he has nice parents so I am counting on them to provide the stability the kids need. They all live 400 miles away from us. My AD is now talking with my bpd sister and we haven't spoken in years. She pulls the same old silent treatment with me. OMG! It's all so crazy I just want to scream. Talk about a dysfunctional family!

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2015, 05:43:02 PM »
My meanest daughter is bi-polar and plays the attack mom game. She is getting married next Fall and I will be the ignored "out" mom while her dad and his new narcissistic wife hog all the "love and attention." This girl is visiting her friend in another state on Mother's Day weekend which upset me but then I thought how tense it would be to have her stay in my house for the weekend and I calmed down a bit.  :-\I have calmly called her out on her meanness while she starts raging and then hangs up on me.

My second AD that cares the least about me but is "nice" is probably "just extremely self centered" as is her husband. She first became angry at me in high school when I forced her to get therapy for her depression and cutting. My ex, their father, is undiagnosed bi-polar and very narcissistic. The nicer AD won't stand up for right and is only concerned about herself and her husband and their dogs, their boat, etc. She won't rock the boat when her dad talks ugly about me or insists I be not invited to stuff. Their father taught all of them that it is okay to put me down -- and I allowed this -- so I taught them, too.

My current in-laws are the poster child for a classic narcissistic family. Staring with their mother who is in her 80's. Triangulation, back biting, everyone hates everyone else but they insist we all "be a family." Not a one of them is nice except my husband and they are all narcissists except my husband. He is the black sheep. The golden child and former black sheep wanna be golden child are having a huge argument now and the gc is so manipulative. My stepson is both a narcissist and a sociopath and I am not joking. Very sad.

So we get hateful people, hateful actions from most of our family members. And the holiday I hate most is next weekend, I hate Mother's Day.

Books that have helped me are The Bi-Polar Child, Life Code, and the Sociopath Next Door. Also an article on Psychology Today website about the narcissistic family. So I call these people narcissists cause they fit the definition. But there are many other borderline personality disorders. Had a psychologist give a talk at my job on all the personality disorders and I about fell out of my seat with his descriptions of my kids, in-laws, boss. WHEW. Lot of it out there.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2015, 07:15:47 AM »
I don't think all AC do, but it does seem here that many have been diagnosed or show many symptoms of them.  But I think we could say the same with some of the horrid MILs some of the members have too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline dogmusic

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Re: Do all estranged AD/AS have mental issues?
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2015, 08:56:35 AM »
Well what if I am assigning my AD with BPD because I don't want to believe she is so nasty and evil? I am not a psychologist after all. Maybe she is just really angry because she wanted money? My reactions should be completely different depending on what is really going on with her.