April 23, 2019, 04:01:50 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Love My Needly Friend but ...

Started by jdtm, April 26, 2015, 07:11:31 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

jdtm

Several years ago a former friend of mine (from high school) lost her husband due to cancer.  At this time, we reconnected.  We have been meeting once a week for almost a decade now and, frankly, it is too much for me.  However, she tells me that she "so looks forward to our time together" and I know she has very few friends).  She considers me her "best friend" and would be horribly hurt if I chose not to meet her weekly.  But, I just can't keep it up any more!  Any suggestions on easing the pain - right now I am trying to see her three time a month and then work down to twice a month .  But, she is very smart and will see through this quickly.  I just do not want to hurt her and yet ...   Anyone have any additional advice to help us?  I suspect when she figures out my "plan" that she will choose not to speak to me again - discarded into the "bad friend pile".  Perhaps this is why her "friend list" is short.  Nonetheless, I feel so guilty - she has had enough pain already and I would be adding more.  Any suggestions?

luise.volta

My take is that if she's smart, you might as well face the task. She has probably been smart enough to keep you in line by her comments thus far. I have had as similar experience and found no kind way around it. Finally, I realized that since I got myself into it, I was the one who was going to get me past it. I knew she would turn on me not matter how hard I tried not to hurt her...and that the relationship held me captive because I let it. I wrote to her and told her that I had enjoyed reconnecting and was moving on for my own reasons, wishing her well. She tried a campaign to enlist others in my 'cruelty' and got no where. To me that kind of a lifetime investment needs to contain mutual nurturing and commonality. It was hard. I learned a lesson there and have never again let another decide what works for me. I want and need friends, we all do....and for most of us it has to be a two-way street. Hugs, J!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

jdtm

Yes, Luise, you're right.  I know what has to be done.  It is good to be reminded that "I count too" and often, those of us here, forget that.  Thanks ...

Pooh

jdtm, what is the reason for not meeting her weekly?  Is it because she is draining too much from you or you just don't have the energy to meet once a week?  I'm asking because if it's her draining you, then I agree with Luise that if she's that draining and needy, no explanation is not going to make you the bad=guy.  But if it's too tiring for you, then I think honesty is the best policy and talk to her about it and just tell her you can't do it weekly any longer.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

jdtm

Actually, both of you (Pooh and Luise) are correct.  Right now, I am very tired (some minor medical issues) and she is draining and needy.  However, I do love her.  We meet about 4-5 times a month; 4-5 times a year would be about right.  Actually, I am afraid that if I tell her I cannot see her as often, she will see it as an all-or-nothing option (or another rejection) and choose nothing.  Her life has not been as blessed as mine.

It does seem that as we get older some people tend to hibernate inside their homes - I assume because it is easier and safer.  This is probably what she will do even though she knows in her heart/mind that it is not a good thing.

luise.volta

Just a loving reminder that how she reacts is about her and not how you posed the issue, J. Taking care of yourself is about your well being and may not be a high priority with her, unfortunately. Sending more hugs...

I am 88 and very much a loner when my kin and extended family aren't around...which is, of necessity, most of the time. They are all very busy like I once was. And yet...I have friends all over the world that I interact with every day! :-) We all have choices.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Exactly what Luise said.  It's going to be about her then and how she reacts.  I would just be honest and let her know that you need to scale back due to medical issues.  When I started with my medical issues, honestly, I lost several friends because I can't run like I used to.  But what I found was my true friends, that loved me for me, stuck around and understand.  The ones I lost were more interested in their personal needs than mine....so for me, that just said our friendship was pretty superficial to begin with then and that they were getting more out of it than I was.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell