Author Topic: having another sad day  (Read 1510 times)

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Offline dogmusic

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having another sad day
« on: April 15, 2015, 12:17:35 PM »
I'm trying to find ways to cope. I started a journal thinking it might help me but it made me feel sadder. I wrote some poems - same thing. Dh asked me to pick up some medication for him. When I got there, he had already picked it up and didn't tell me. I came home and cried about it. I'm really a mess. I'm just in shock that my ad is so hateful. I'm trying to accept it but I just can't let go. If I do, I won't love her anymore and I don't want to stop loving her. I don't know how to love her and yet get detached from her. Is that possible? Or do I have to not love her so that I can move on? Read the book "Abandoned Parents the Devil's Dilemma". It helped a bit. Maybe I should go review it again.  She doesn't love me? How could she be about to have a baby girl and not want me in her life? It should be such a special time right now. All I did was love her. I never abused her. Why doesn't she want to share this special time with me? I just can't figure it out and it's killing me. She knew this would kill me. She told me so. While she was busy telling me that, she was also telling me that I didn't love her. If I didn't love her, why would she think this would kill me? Oh man. This all sucks so much.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2015, 02:40:07 PM »
My take is that we never stop loving our AC and it's healthy and normal not to like them. Who likes abusive people, related or not? What helped me move through it was learning to love my myself and get that how others feel about me is about them...not me. Sending more hugs!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2015, 06:43:01 PM »
It is hard to accept that your AC are not likable or not nice to be around or nice to you.  It is hard to be estranged and really hard to have hateful kids when all we want is to be loved by them and to love them. Dogmusic, I have to say it is shocking that your AD said she is acting in a way that will kill you.  At what point do you finally say "this is not right" "this is abusive" and stand up for yourself? It seems you think her words have value or are truth and they are not. Would you allow a co-worker or neighbor to say and act towards you like this? I suspect the real issue is how you feel about yourself because you seem to believe you deserve this terrible treatment. I am sorry that you feel so sad today. I have a AD that is nice right now but has been horrible to me last year and the year before. You have to accept that your AD is probably incapable of giving you the love you want -- time to give yourself this love. It does not mean you were a bad mother at all. It just is how it is. Some people turn out better or nicer or more mature than others. Not everyone is a good person even if we want them to be because we birthed them. Drives me crazy but it is how it is.

Offline dogmusic

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2015, 02:59:04 AM »
Thank you Luise and Greenthumb. Your words of encouragement will help me get through this. I know that evenutally I will move through this and I will accept that she is not the nice person I wanted her to be.  When she accused me of fabricating my cancer diagnosis well that just blew me away. Can you imagine being faced with cancer and your ad is telling people that you are making it up? I ended up with a hysterectomy and the pathology report said no cancer cells. What a shocker that was!! My oncologist said I was his first patient that this had ever happened to. Boy were we relieved! Not my ad though. She is horrible. :-[

Offline luise.volta

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2015, 09:46:05 AM »
Oh, honey, keep saying to yourself, "What she thinks of me is none of my business!" More hugs!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline dogmusic

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2015, 02:26:17 PM »
Thanks Luise. I will start doing that.

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2015, 05:37:30 PM »
What I say is "this is not about me" and truly, Dogmusic, your AD behavior, words, actions is not about you. Perhaps you take them on as "truth" but it is a reflection of HER and what is going on in her head. Not truth about you.  It all does sound crazy how she said you lied about your cancer diagnosis. Intelligent people will recognize her for what she is. The others, well they are not true friends anyway.

If I told you how my AD lies to people about me and says hurtful things, you would recognize that the lack is inside of her and how she is not telling truth. But when it is aimed at us, we often get so emotional, we can't see the forest for the trees. I want to be the person who stops caring when people say hateful stuff to me, meaning I don't take it personally and I stay detached.

Offline dogmusic

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2015, 03:03:47 AM »
Thank you greenthumb. Your advice really helps me. I came from an abusive home so that is why I have such a hard time with this. When you said she is abusive well that really hit me because I saw the truth in that. I don't want to admit it, but my ad is abusive to me. She is just like an older sister of mine. I felt a little better yesterday and I am feeling stronger today. I have found a cousin's daughter who is sweet and respects me. My aunt, her grandmother recently passed away and she was so special to both of us. We have come together with that in common, have gone to lunch and are enjoying "girl time". She has a mother so I am not a mother to her but she is a nice person and has filled an emptiness in my life. I don't think she knows what I am going through. We just laugh together and share memories of our loved one. My ad said "you have no one but me". I guess she forgot I have a son too. She thinks my son is totally identifying with her. He is not. Even though it hurts to forget about her, there are always others out there that are ready willing and able to be a "bud". I always focused so much on my ad and her kids that she thinks she is irreplaceable. She's so arrogant. It's a process. I know there will be days of backsliding but I will continue to struggle to get out of this funk I am in and I will get there. Thanks for your response and have a nice weekend!

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2015, 05:25:27 AM »
just want to send u a hug.  going thru up days and down days here too.  just realizing the down days always happen after i see my ds and dil or try to contact them.  ds doesn't answer calls or emails - forget dil.  i don't even hear about cards or checks - she cashes them but never calls to say thank you so i have stopped sending and acknowledging her bday, mothers day, etc.   if we spend time w/them to see my grandkids, something is always said that takes a good day and makes it hearbreaking.  sometimes i do feel so much better with no contact - just heartbreaking not to see the little ones.

Offline dogmusic

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2015, 10:55:47 AM »
 :-* Sending a hug right back atcha. That sounds like Ellen- lol! I wish none of us was having these problems. It's all quite sad. Today I'm feeling a little better and feeling grateful for the good things I have. When I feel lower, I will go back and reread these replies to bring me up again and make me feel stronger. I guess life never really was like June and Ward Cleaver.....

Offline luise.volta

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Re: having another sad day
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2015, 05:58:48 PM »
So proud of you, D.!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama