Author Topic: Wonderful To be Here  (Read 2551 times)

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Offline Mom23

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Wonderful To be Here
« on: April 09, 2015, 09:15:29 PM »
I am glad to have found this site, as well. My son's wife is very puzzling to my husband and I. She met my son, and got pregnant. We helped set them up in a house, with down payment, painted the place, gave them some furniture, etc. The house was as nice as ours, and in a good neighbourhood. Her mother hated me the moment she met me. I am younger, and take good care of myself. Her comment was, "young mothers are not good mothers" when she found out my age. This all happened within in minutes of meeting the woman, and while I was painting my son and his wife's house, (that was in our name). I have taken meals there when they get home from holiday. Roast beef in a slow cooker, etc. We watch their two dogs by letting them in and out of the house and feeding them. And my husband and I both work, full time. They have gone away, and Sheila (not her real name) had us take care of our grand daughter, only until Sheila's mom was free to come get her. That meant we had our grand daughter school days only. We had no free time with her. I mentioned this and was just told that my grand daughter is a busy girl. But, what really bothers me is how she puts my son down, all the time. She takes photos of herself that are only the best shots, but places embarrassing photos of him, on face book. The house is plastered with photos of her family, and not a single one of my husband and I, and I have given her some. She makes comments about how she hopes the grand daughter inherits her family's brains. My husband and I are both professionals, with university degrees. Her family is struggling after losing all they had when the bank took it, and they haven't finished high school. When she or her family wants to buy plane tickets, they do so through my son, who is the only one with a credit rating. Her cards are never paid, and she lets the house bills go until they get a warning. I do not care about these things, but it is becoming obvious to others around us, that my husband and I are being treated like we are not welcome, while visiting and other relatives from her side are there. I feel especially bad for my husband, he does not deserve this, but we do not want to loose our son. Family is important. But, I am finding it hard to be around her. She argues with everything I say, and rolls her eyes. We have done so much, and she has never even said thank you. She now only speaks to us through my son, when she needs us to baby sit, or let the dogs out. I am truly baffled. I really wish we hadn't done so much for her, it would make this a little easier to accept. Thanks.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2015, 09:35:22 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2015, 09:40:17 PM »
Welcome, M. I have given you your own thread because you are new and it's a great way to get acquainted. I want a different title, just say so and I will change it.

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the five posts placed there for you. The books we have found helpful may be of some help. None of them have everything we need but most of us have found they each offer something. Please pay special attention when reading our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

It is late where I live. I will write more later...as will others. You can count on it! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline jdtm

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2015, 05:36:34 AM »
Quote
She now only speaks to us through my son, when she needs us

Mom23 - Your story begins as did mine (in many ways).  Ours ended with the DIL leaving our son and abandoning his children.  I did everything that I could think to help - chores, babysitting, money, etc.  It did not work.

Your son is still speaking to you and you get to see your grandchild.  This is a big plus.  We lost both those privileges (and they are privileges not rights) when we tried "too hard".  In hindsight, what my husband and I should have done was to "back off" and only respond when "asked" - (and sometimes that can and should be a "no").  The family you envisioned is never going to happen - and in our case, trying harder and giving more was the worse thing we could have done.  Our son told us after his wife left that our now ex-DIL was an alcoholic with mental health issues.  Perhaps you are dealing with issues of which you (or your son) are not aware.

We are now being "selfish" - our needs come first; the adult children (now in their 40's) come third (after the grandchildren).  Life is so much better for us - again, you still have your son and granddaughter in your life.  Many of us here are not that lucky (I am now but only because the DIL is an ex).  And no, it will not be fair - the price of giving birth to a son (our grandchildren get our name but they get the IL's attention).  I suspect others on this site will have additional "advice" or comments.  I agree it is not fair (I lived it for almost two decades), but I have come to accept what "is" and I do try to feel blessed for what I have.  Some days, though, it is so hard.  All the best ....

Offline Pooh

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2015, 08:05:42 AM »
Welcome.  Oh your story gave me flashbacks!  One of the first things my DIL's Mother said to me when we met was "Oh you must not love your children like I do since you are not willing to pay for an apartment for them. That's what good parents do."

Well, needless to say, my story ended like jdtm.  It eventually became painfully obvious that DIL's family was the only one that mattered and that they had no need for us since we weren't willing to "support" them financially and be at their beck and call.  I don't mean that yours is going to end that way, but the signs are there that you are in for a very rough road.  My only advice is to pull back and concentrate your time and energy on things you enjoy.   Write off everything you have already done for them and start again by focusing your time on making yourself happy.  It's not fair, but there is nothing you can do to change how she feels about you.  We can only control how we react.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Mom23

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2015, 02:10:04 PM »
Thanks, for your replies. I knew I had to hang in there and bite my tongue, or loose my son and grand daughter. I just don't know what to do when they come over. We have no conversation because when I talk to her it is all dismissed with a flick of the hand, as not worthy of thought. It is very draining. Any ideas? Thank you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2015, 02:46:38 PM »
My take is that he condones her behavior by tolerating it. She is how she is and as long as she is welcome in your home, she will bring abuse (that's what I call it) with her. I see her teaching your grandchild that abusing others is just fine.

Always remember here that my take is just an opinion!
« Last Edit: April 15, 2015, 02:35:35 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2015, 02:55:23 PM »
There is a lot of personality dysfunction in this story. You and your husband have perhaps been too nice, too accomodating and too giving. She sees you as a noodle with no spine. While you don't want to argue and fight with her, you need to understand that you can't change her and she sees you as weak and a target for her spite. I suspect your son has learned that if he wants peace and sex, he has to kow tow to her. I don't know how you can make this better except to hold yourself with more esteem and call her out nicely on her bs. I told my not nice daughter one time, "what you say is really mean and it hurts my feelings." She started in with more abuse and I kept saying this phrase. Broken record. Didn't get mad, didn't have any emotion in my voice. Finally she hung up on me but I was proud I stood my ground and didn't argue, get loud or angry like she was doing. Next conversation was about 6 months later but she was pleasant. Of course, tomorrow she could be ugly acting and mean again!

Offline Pooh

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2015, 11:34:53 AM »
I would have a hard time next time she flicked her hand saying, "Oh my goodness.  Is there a gnat in here?"

But...I tend to be sarcastic when I've had enough :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Mom23

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2015, 06:49:38 PM »
You were right Louise. I had already noticed my grandchild's behavior, and my husband has mentioned it. Her manors at our house are now gone, completely. If we asked if she liked what she had to eat she replies in a whiny voice, "ya, it wasn't bad." If we say, would you like more, she replies "Ya, I guess." She does not say thank you. She hits my son, when he least expects it, even when he tells her to stop. He was on his knees getting something and she came up behind and stood on the backs of his legs. Today, it was 30 degrees outside, and my son, his wife and his wife's family went to a wedding, last night. I was supposed to drop of my grandchild, as we had her overnight. When I went over, my daughter in laws parents came to the door, and neither my son nor daughter in law were in sight. I asked where they were. My daughter in law was passed out, in the house we helped pay for, my son was left in the car with three other guys and the windows up. The car was extremely hot, and the guys inside started heaving as if to throw up, when I opened the door. I put all the windows down and took the keys back to the mother in law. She had no problem leaving the guys in the car to die of heat exhaustion but made sure her daughter was safe inside an air conditioned house. When I said it was too hot to leave anyone in a car with windows up, the mother in law said, "Ah, they are big boys." So, I am in a tight spot. The whole family he is involved with have no common sense. Last Labor Day weekend, my sons father in law sat in the garage drinking scotch and shooting fire work flares out the big garage door. There were 40 or more people including children, walking around that could have walked in harms way, any second. But, no one seemed to think about the dangers. One guy nearly burned himself badly in a dare to hold onto a firecracker while someone lit it. I don't go to any functions any more. But, I am finding it difficult to have my daughter in law, and my grand daughter interrupt while I am talking to someone else, to argue with me about  what I am talking about. I have decided to totally ignore them when they argue, as if they aren't even there, and just keep talking as if I wasn't interrupted. It is horribly rude, but my son just seems to take it. I think he is very worried about losing his daughter. He plays with her, takes her for bike rides and actually spends time listening to her. Her mom is to busy putting pictures on Facebook and posting lude photos. I believe now that my son and his wife are a poor match. I am not so sure that my grand daughter is a good enough reason to stick together. I actually worry about his safety. It seems this family has no regard for his well being. I love my son, and my grand daughter. I am wondering how this usually plays out. Does it come to a point where you don't see your own child because you can't stand his wife. It would be easier if it were just me she was rude to. But, I have 3 daughters and a husband that she treats shabby, too.
We all see it. We all don't like it, one bit.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2015, 07:02:00 PM »
Not liking it makes good sense...changing it is something else. Honestly, all we can change is ourselves. Sometimes that involves separation and even isolation but self-respect was the answer for me. I had to extricate myself from the drama I could do nothing about and get on with my own life. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Mom23

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2015, 09:26:10 PM »
Do you mean you stopped seeing one of your children? Did it resolve itself, or are you still isolated? I am wondering if there are any books you might suggest. I find when I have my grand daughter by herself without her parents, she is wonderful. But, I have to coax her to use manners, and tell her why. She just turned seven. Once her mother is around, you really wouldn't be able to tell them apart, if it weren't for the difference int their voices. My grand daughter uses the same phrases, does not say thank you or please and does not listen, when her mother is there. We are thinking we are helping our grand daughter by having her spend time in a home where people show respect for each other. Her other grand mother says everything is okay, because we are just her relatives. I believe relatives are also people you should show respect for. Any books or suggestions are quite welcome. Thank you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2015, 09:32:25 PM »
Yes...go too 'HOME' and scroll down through the categories to HELPFUL RESOURCES. It's a gold mine!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2015, 06:02:53 AM »
Mom23, I am very sorry to hear how hateful your DIL is. Some families are like this. I married into one just like it.

One of the things in your story that strikes me is how drunk everyone was, the 4 guys in a car, etc. this is alcoholic or alcohol abuse behavior. Your son may fit into this family b/c they all drink together. His being passed out in a car says he has a problem with alcohol to some extent. This may be the reason he stays in the marriage. You might find al anon helpful in learning about these issues.

The other thing is that some people do not like to be beholden to others. So when we give to them, they feel both entitled and mad that they owe you gratitude. Your DIL may feel resentment that she is beholden to you on the house thing. May be unreasonable or irrational but this is just a thought from possibly her point of view. Feeling this way comes out in her unkindness to you.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2015, 07:52:24 AM by luise.volta »

Offline Mom23

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2015, 08:10:09 AM »
Actually, the house is now in their name. She started making drastic changes to it, and we quickly signed it over through a lawyer. She was pretty nice till then. After that, she began bragging about how well they were doing and her mother started telling me how wonderful her daughter was doing. It was as if they were daring me to say something. We helped them with a house because it made good business sense. It would take years for them to buy plus pay for rent. Their rent went towards the mortgage. We updated all insulation and furnace and a/c, so that their home would be affordable. We are always there to help with the grand daughter. I don't impose at all. When we drop off the grand daughter she meets me at the street, as if she doesn't want me in her home. It is quite strange. I don't like all the alcohol and think Alnon is a good idea. But, all their friends and everyone where they work drink. Our family does not drink, at all. We find it a waste of time. We like to be able to take off in the car at midnight if we want to and not be drunk. It is wonderful to wake up every day feeling good. They both work six to seven days a week and work opposite shifts. I think that must be difficult. That is why we help out. Up until the house went in their name, everything seemed better. They can well afford that house now. It is paid down considerably, because all their rent money paid off the mortgage. I plan on reading and going to Alnon. It feels better just telling someone. I am very private about things, and normally don't complain, at all. I love my family, and love family get togethers. I cook big meals and enjoy their company. It has just gradually gotten to this. Thank you for your reply.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wonderful To be Here
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2015, 08:20:13 AM »
We are here for you...not just through sharing our own experiences but to let you know you are no longer alone. The books listed under our Resources category have a great deal to offer and most of all, you are heard. We all learned to keep it all in which is hazardous to our' health'. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama