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She's having a girl

Started by dogmusic, April 07, 2015, 06:50:07 am

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 :( Can't adjust to the estrangement of our ad. Found out through a relative that our ad is having a girl - our first gd. She already has 2 boys. Our ad is just so hateful. I really can't believe she is doing this to us and her kids. We weren't perfect by any means but we didn't abuse her, no drinking, drugging, gambling etc. Bills were paid, food in the cupboards, clothes in the closet. She had school trips to DC and Boston. I took her to dancing class, soccer games and band concerts. I think I must have spoiled her too much. I just can't understand. I think she just wants money from us. I told her we can't give her any large amounts of money. She decided to go to college after she got married (we gave her a beautiful wedding) and she wanted a house and a new car to accommodate her growing family. I think all her complaints are just smoke and mirrors for wanting more money. I don't say "I love you" enough and she accused me of being selfish. Every spare dollar we had went to her and her kids and she's got the nerve to say that to me. She knows we have money in a retirement account and I think she wants it now rather than wait until we croak. Now I discover from one sister that my ad is communicating with a sister who hasn't spoken to me in years. Is there anything else she can do to kill me inside? I'm blowing off steam. I'm just so down. My hubby is better at handling it and I don't want to bring him down all the time. I want to scream! I want her to say to everyone that her behavior is really about her wanting money. I was a good mother. I loved her to death. I am so crushed. Will I ever feel good about life again? She told me she knew this would kill me. I think she is enjoying this. I loved those 2 boys of hers and gave them everything I could. I don't deserve this. Why are some kids so nice and appreciative and others so selfish and hateful? I did the best I could..


It's not about us. I am reading the book Kate123 recommended...and find every answer in there that I once endlessly asked myself. I pass it on to you. 'Abandoned Parents..The Devil's Dilemma'. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


thank you. i am going to read it


Just ordered it from amazon (prime). $9+. Looking forward to reading. it


It is truly the hardest thing to accept that it isn't about us.  It's about them and their choices.  We don't have to like it, but we don't have to be drug down into the abyss with them.  Yes, you will be happy again if you decide that you want to be.  Easier said than done, but baby steps to taking your life back.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


DM- not sure I understand, did you pay for wedding, college, house, and car?? Wow, if you did I would say you did spoil her a tad. Once they are on their own the money train stops (IMO), unless there is a special circumstance of course. However that mindset has not put me on the side of my AC's- I just don't have money to give. (They think I should sell my home, you know- since I have one foot in the grave already). Anyway, maybe you should let it be known that your will has the money going to the GC's college fund, or to your cat or something.  :P


We had terms for us to pay for her college. She didn't agree with them and left the nest. We had already bought her the car. She ended up getting married and we did pay for the wedding which was beautiful. She then decided to go to college after she got married so we did not pay for that or her house. Her poor husband will be paying to keep her the rest of his tired life. She is selfish and spoiled (my fault).  She is hot-tempered and immature. She is 28 and having her third child but she acts like she is an angry teenager. I recently was diagnosed with cancer which turned out to be an error but she told people that I fabricated the story to cover up for other things. ???? Not sure what she meant but I was so hurt and I have to say a bit alarmed. Isn't that reaction kind of weird? Paranoid the right word? She has hurt us so deeply she is out of the will but she doesn't know it. With 3 kids - it is so sad. But we also have a son who has not been awful to us. He does not have any kids yet but fingers crossed. He also lives close to us so hopefully I will get plenty of Gramma time when the babies get here. Thanks for posting. Kids can be so selfish....

Green Thumb

Dogmusic, many of us here are in your shoes. It is very hard to be estranged from an AC. I have only found peace when I accepted what is and how it is. This is not how I wanted it, I was a very loving, good mother but... am not close to the majority of my AC. One is nicer and we have a good relationship. Which the estranged AC seem to resent and feel he is favored by me! No, he is just nicer so I am not always having to set boundaries or say you can't say this or t
hat to me, what you say is mean and hurts my feelings, etc. I hope you can learn to accept your situation and notice I am not saying like it. Just accept it like you accept that your pants are black or your hair is gray or whatever. It just is. And the thing with your sister, that sister will eventually get the B**** treatment from your daughter.  If she treats you this way, she is treating others this way. AD is using this aunt, it is not about you, says nothing about you. And I want to say you are not the reason that your AD is so ugly acting. You are just the target, not the cause. I have found that people who want to abuse us often get really ugly when we set boundaries. It is like they have to keep pushing and pushing to see how much they can get. Focus on what is good in your life and let the AD situation go. Journal your hurt if you need to and stop thinking about it all day. Wishing you peace and joy.


Thank you for the lovely reply. I had a bad day yesterday and reading your reply this am helped me. I think I'm a bit in shock with her behavior. My hubby keeps telling me to stop beating myself up. I know he is right and I will get to that point eventually. Right now I am stuck on the fact that she was telling people that I fabricated the cancer scare. That just seems so crazy to me that I am wondering is she mentally ill or horribly mean and selfish? I feel obligated in some way if this is a case of mental illness. Or am I in denial because I don't want to believe that a child of mine could be so cruel? I know I have to move on and stop tormenting myself. I feel like my daughter died and so did my grandchildren. Believe me I cherish the advice you have given me. I am trying to move on. Thank you.


Quoteso crazy to me that I am wondering is she mentally ill or horribly mean and selfish?

Mentally ill - perhaps - however, when a person is "horribly mean and selfish", this can be a red flag for a personality disorder.  Have you tried googling this term to see if the information fits?


Yes! Thank you! I am questioning if she has borderline personality disorder. There are a lot of characteristics that fit. She lives out of town and although I have met and communicated with her mother-in-law, I don't know her well and I don't want to say that I think that there is a possibility of that unless she tells me that they are having problems. We have tried to talk with her husband but he won't call us back. I have to say that my daughter has a strong personality and runs the show in her home and he probably doesn't want to rock the boat. I guess in my heart I know that eventually we are going to get a phone call that she has done something pretty alarming. It doesn't stop the pain right now or the inability to fix things.


Your daughter reminded me so much of our ex-DIL.  I, too, suspect that our ex-DIL suffers from BPD.  In our ex-DIL's case - she was so much calmer when pregnant; in fact, the only time I would say that there was some "relationship" with us and others.  It appears your daughter may be the opposite - pregnancy hormonal upheavals may be aggravating her "chemical" balance.  I do hope that your daughter will be calmer after the baby is born.  I will tell you - the ride for the past 20 years has not been much fun in this camp.  I hope your "ride" is a bit smoother (and do be there for your son-in-law - don't even mention your daughter's issues unless he brings it up - he does need a "soft place to fall").  Oh - more thing - with mental health issues the mantra is "I did not cause it, I can not control it, I can not cure it".  Wishing you the best ....


jdtm - thank you! I will take your advice regarding son- in-law and mental health mantra. I have been reading up on bpd all am.