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My son of 45 years has changed, and is getting worse. I am now afraid of him.

Started by Nam, March 31, 2015, 12:57:53 pm

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My beloved son has changed. He is dictatorial and aggressive. No violence (so far), but yesterday I was not sure if he might become so. He is becoming very like his father who I divorced about 15 years ago after 24 years of marriage, due to violence and infidelity on his part.
My son says I spat in his face when he was younger, and that he cannot get over it and that it is ruining his life. I have no recollection of this whatsoever, but apologised and told him this. He said that there was no sense in apologising for something if I could not remember it. He no longer speaks to me, just lectures at me. I am an educated professional who is now retired, but he tells me I should forget all I ever learned as it is rubbish. He will not allow my grandchildren to eat in my home, and I only see them briefly, my grandson I have not seen since before Christmas, and my grand daughter I have seen twice since then, once for about fifteen minutes in my home, and on Mothering Sunday, she came but was kept outside in the car where I spoke to her briefly before he drove away again. I live in a very isolated area, with my nearest neighbour a mile away. There are no street lights only fields and farm animals. It is beautiful and I like it very much, but I was a little afraid sometimes at night, possibly due to noise from outside, such as foxes or badgers, also deer sometimes. I got a rescue dog 2 1/2 weeks ago, who is four years old a Labrador. She is very good, but a bit timid around men, although improving with this. She is supposed to be good with dogs as she previously lived with one, and also two children were in her previous home. My son was shouting at me that I should not have got her as he cannot bring his children in case they get afraid of her if she barks. (He has two adult American Bulldogs). Yesterday he arrived with the large male, who is a lovely animal, but I do not know what he would do if my dog was to bark or put her hackles up - she is beginning to think this is her house and compound. A friend comes with her lab and we go through my girl having a bark and a warn off (friend's lab tried to get into her bed where she had hidden a rawhide bone). When we leave the compound they run around together and we go for three mile walks all very friendly and no problems. I put my dog in the room and went to meet my son, who told me, "bring out your dog and we'll see how she gets on with mine". I told him no as I thought she might let his dog know that it was her place and that he may possibly warn her off. My son went mad, screaming and swearing at the top of his voice. It is just as well there are no immediate neighbours. The things he called me were just awful, and I very quietly asked him not to Just made him worse. Screaming that I should not have bought the dog. He could not bring his children to visit now. I replied that he did not bring them anyway, and he flipped. Screaming and swearing, eyes popping, and foam at corners of his mouth. He told me he hated me. Much more besides, and after he left I felt ill, stomach upset, chest pain, headache, shaking, crying uncontrollably. I have angina, and it really worried me that I could become ill. Today I changed my locks as I was afraid of leaving dog alone in the house. Went to Dr and was told that I was traumatised, and put on Diazepam for a week to help me be less anxious and upset. But what am I to do about this ghastly situation. Please can someone advise me?


Welcome, N. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

You will probably receive varying responses here. Please remember to take what you want and leave the rest. We don't debate and defend here. My take is different than it would have been earlier in my life when I took anything my elder adult son said and did and tried harder to please him. Now is that you may be more in danger than your dog. I would not accept that kind of abuse and would get a restraining order. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hello Nam, I doubt that the dog has anything to do with your sons behavior, he is using that as an outlet for his anger. It does not sound like he is in a place where you can talk about anything with him so I would not even try at this time. Maybe in a few weeks or months you could sit down with him and tell him what you want from him, and what he cannot do. I don't think you should accept his behavior, but it is amazing how much we will tolerate from our children just to keep them in our lives. You have to decide where the line in the sand is for you by weighing the pros and cons. It does not sound like there are any pros right now and he sounds abusive. I would lay low for a time.


If his behavior is a marked change from most of his life, chances are he is suffering from some mental condition or there has been some major stressor in his life that he is reacting to.  In any event, your first priority is to yourself.  If he hates you so much, why does he come around at all?  Because you're his punching bag (though hopefully not literally). Look into what it would take to get a restraining order.  You don't deserve this treatment - even if you had spat in his face 1,000 times.  There may be resources in your community that can help you out and give you more practical advice.  Changing the locks was a smart move.  Good luck.


N - As I follow your thread, I think you need more than WWU. We are here to listen and share our own experience. However, there are times when professionals are required to help you one-on-one with legal, law enforcement and counseling support and direction. That may be the crossroad where you are finding yourself. If so, we encourage you to be proactive. We are still here for you.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama