August 21, 2019, 09:09:56 pm


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A somewhat quick question

Started by SadToTheCore, March 28, 2015, 11:18:21 am

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My adult son is in his early thirties. He has been pretty verbally abusive to his dad and I over the past 5-6 years or so. I believe he has a personality disorder with which he refuses help. He has been living out of state for the past few years but has now lost his job and is destitute. (I know for a fact that no drugs are involved).

He recently called my husband (a rarity, as we never hear from him) and asked for help. My husband told him he needs to get a job. To make a very long story short, my son ended up telling my husband that we are "the enemy."  My husband told him not to contact him again until he agrees to get help and can be civil to us.

Wellllll, a few days ago, my son told my daughters that he is planning on moving back home for the month of April. ... only for a month...  This cannot happen. The tension in the house was unbearable when he was here and I can't go through that again. I believe my son will show up at my doorstep with his stuff without even talking to us first. My husband said he will get a restraining order against him. I just can't handle all this stress. I cannot put my son in jail. And I can't have him living here. And we've already given him so much money, we really can't do that anymore either.
What do I do?????


I have not faced a similar situation. That saidmy take is that I agree with your husband. You would not be putting him in jain if he violated the restraining order...he would be doing it to himself. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Ok, let me put it another way. What would you do if this verbally abusive son had a friend drop him off on your front porch from another state. Your son has no car and he's standing on your porch with all his stuff. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to sleep. He says he'll be staying one month. This is exactly the situation I think I'll be facing within the next few days. I can't sleep. I'm sick to my stomach. What would y'all do??


I have never faced this but from what I have learned here, I think I would get a restraining order. Abuse is toxic.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I would tell him he couldn't stay there, period.  If he has the time to get a friend drop him off, without asking you, after calling you the enemy....he has time to walk somewhere and find other arrangements. line would be crossed when he called me "the enemy".
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Lucky me!  I have an extra tent and sleeping bag I could "loan" him.  It is spring, not a bad time to camp out.  You could put them out on your front porch......
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Send him to your daughters house "for a month", sounds like he might be on better behavior there.


You would have to check with a lawyer about getting a restraining order.  I'm sure it varies by location and local laws.  Some years ago I looked into what it would take to get a restraining order in my area and it wasn't simply filling out a form.  You need to consider what your son has done, what you can PROVE he has done and how recently he has done the abuse.  I'm don't mean to discourage you from that path, but do it with your eyes open. 

If he shows up on your doorstep with all his worldly goods and no car, what about his legs?  Where's the nearest hotel? Police station?  Would you or DH be willing to drive him somewhere?  If you let him in, you may never get him out.  It's easy for us to sit here and encourage you to keep the door closed, but that takes a lot of willpower for a parent to do.  Do you have someone local - friend, clergyperson, etc. - who can be a sympathetic listener and give some suggestions? Good luck.