Author Topic: daughterinlaw not happy  (Read 4169 times)

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Offline nina

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daughterinlaw not happy
« on: March 20, 2015, 07:25:05 PM »
My dil is from another country and although they live here now I've noticed she doesn't seem real happy with our family. I've tried everything and realize I will never measure up, because she misses her family. Her family knows how to have fun, and holidays are very important to them. I work full time and unfortunately can't do the things she expects. Recently she said the reason my son and grandkids don't come over much is because there is nothing exciting here for them and I don't make meals to their liking. She doesn't work and often trys new recipes, she is well traveled and I'm not. I feel her disappointment in me. Now I'm so conscious of her feelings I'm afraid to even try. I love my grandkid's and my son. I've always complimented my dil and tell her how great everything is and I'm proud of her and the kid's. Not sure what to do now.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2015, 09:42:37 PM »
Welcome, N. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, t read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My experience with something similar but not the same, was that we can't change people. They are how they are and they do what they do. It's about them not us. I originally thought I had done something wrong and that I could fix it. But I am how I am and I do what I do, too. In my case it wasn't about customs in another country, it was about a belief system involving religion.

Your DIL is young. She chose to marry and live in another country. She may eventually mature and see that expecting it to be like her homeland was unrealistic. I hope so. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2015, 12:45:20 PM »
N, I'm glad you found us. I agree with Luise. When I first joined WWU I was in a similar situation to yours (w/o the GC.) It was hard to hear Luise's wisdom sometimes, lol! I kept bashing my head against the wall thinking I could change enough to please my DIL and get to see my DS more often.

I finally stopped trying to be like her FOO - kind of silly now that I think about it; they're from a different (as in "better" lol)country, culture, financial bracket. DS has stepped up and defended us, and DIL has matured a bit. Things are still not fair, but they are better.

Good luck! Keep reading and posting :)

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline nina

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2015, 07:14:15 PM »
Actually she's an Aussie, I'm not sure things will ever change

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2015, 08:40:52 PM »
Perhaps you're right, none of us has a crystal ball. Best that way, probably.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2015, 08:42:29 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2015, 02:56:22 AM »
Nina I think things will change but the change will be in you.  You will eventually tire of trying to be what your DIL wants and be yourself instead.  Your DIL will either like who you are or not.  She already does not particularly care for who you are trying to be so what do you have to loose?  Reconnect with the fun person inside of you and do not let what your DIL wants dictate your life.  Tell her you are sorry that her parents are so far away and you wish they were closer.  Cook what you and your DS like (nobody cooks like Mom!) and let the chips fall where they may.  Plan a visit that you will enjoy.  There is an old saying about "If Momma ain't happy..." and you are your DS's Momma!  Good luck!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pooh

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2015, 05:24:48 AM »
Welcome Nina.  I have nothing to add except to reiterate what the others said.  Be yourself.  You can not change how she feels.  All you can do is be yourself and she can either decide to like you or not.  It's on her.  There is nothing wrong with being nice to someone, trying to cook a dish they like, etc. but trying to change the person you are never works.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline nina

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2015, 08:26:29 AM »
Thank you, a few people I've talked to said to ask my son, but I can only see fueling the fire. I don't want to cause any problems with their situation. I think she knows that too!

Offline nina

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2015, 10:15:29 PM »
I'm afraid my situation has gotten worse. My DIL now says she's "done" with me. She didn't like my reaction to her criticism. I normally just let things roll off, but I think she was digging pretty deep to cut me off. I only hope I can see my grandkids sometime. I guess I didn't think cooking and the presentation of meals was anything to get excited about, but to her it was.
Very sad and heartbroken over this. Honestly, I'm not sure what is really bothering her, but I'm it for now!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2015, 10:34:09 PM »
I'm so sorry you are up against this impasse, N. DIL may not know herself what is wrong. We often try to make sense of the senseless and it just doesn't work. We can choose our own direction and still have a life. I we're kicked under the bus, we don't have to stay there. We did out best and we deserve respect. For me, it had to start at home...with finally getting that I needed to learn to give myself the respect I 'deserve' and not leave it to another person. i have found life beyond my own biology...and my first step was to get that no one could abuse me, if I didn't let it happen. I was a whole person before I was a mom...and what I set out to do was to return to wholeness without the blessing of the person rejecting me. I lost a lot...especially my very simple expectations...but I gained my self respect and now how a full and happy life. We all approach things differently...so what worked for me wouldn't work for everyone. I hope you still find it encouraging. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2015, 07:35:44 AM »
I'm afraid my situation has gotten worse. My DIL now says she's "done" with me. She didn't like my reaction to her criticism. I normally just let things roll off, but I think she was digging pretty deep to cut me off. I only hope I can see my grandkids sometime. I guess I didn't think cooking and the presentation of meals was anything to get excited about, but to her it was.
Very sad and heartbroken over this. Honestly, I'm not sure what is really bothering her, but I'm it for now!

So sorry Nina... but your situation did NOT get worse... it's only that you have now found out how bad it has been.  Her feelings for you did not just suddenly appear.. They have been harbored for a long time.  As with my DIL.   I found out after 10 years that every word I said.. every action, every facial expression had been fodder for discussion and disgust between my DIL and her FOO.  I only learned of it when we finally had a falling out and the accusations and insults began flying out of her mouth, but it had been going on for a long time.  I was unaware of what my son had to deal with concerning me and keeping me in his life.   When I did, I was the one who decided I was DONE with her.  I went a year without seeing my GKs.  However, eventually my son put his foot down and began bringing the kids to see me.   I think things are better for him now in that regard.  We are both non-issues in each others' lives..  That was what she wanted... and that was what she got.

Offline nina

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2015, 08:30:46 AM »
As I think back at some of her comments over the years, I think it has been building up to this too! I've heaped praise on her, and tried to do what I could to win her over. She had a wall up, as if she was being disloyal to her family if she warmed up to ours. And I've noticed she is easily annoyed with other people and some of her friends too. My biggest fear, is she's taking her frustrations out on my son. Thank you for your insight, at least I'm not the only one with this problem.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2015, 08:59:59 AM »
As I think back at some of her comments over the years, I think it has been building up to this too! I've heaped praise on her, and tried to do what I could to win her over. She had a wall up, as if she was being disloyal to her family if she warmed up to ours. And I've noticed she is easily annoyed with other people and some of her friends too. My biggest fear, is she's taking her frustrations out on my son. Thank you for your insight, at least I'm not the only one with this problem.

No you aren't..  I somehow though think it better to know the truth, and to know that it isn't YOU.. it's the fact that you exist.. At least that's how I always looked at it.   I don't think my DIL or her FOO would have accepted Mother Theresa into their fold.  I was going to be the outsider from day one.. and if you are going to do that to someone.. what better than to cast them negatively.   

Offline Sheen

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2015, 10:59:26 PM »
Hi Nina
Waves to everyone *
Perhaps a different insight to this. I live in a foreign country and when I first moved, I thought my husband's family was less than friendly and judging whatever I did. After living here for over 14 years, what I have learned is, that different countries, Cultures are so totally different than what we are familiar with in the states.  Things that we consider rude or obnoxious are just the norm in some places.  It is not that they mean to insult, it is just the way that the country operates.

You never said what country she was from, but perhaps what you are taking as rude and uncaring is just she is speaking  from the Culture that she is from. It is extremely hard to get use to the ways and customs of a foreign country  and missing family and your home is one of those things that comes and goes, like Waves.  Meaning you are worried about losing touch with your son and his Children, perhaps you give her a bit more leeway than you normally would.  Best of luck

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughterinlaw not happy
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2015, 11:06:54 PM »
Hi, Sheen!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama