Epidemic Problem

[kate123]

Also wanted to let everyone know that the problem of estrangement, from what I have been reading, is now a epidemic problem. The 30-40 something's have a chip on their shoulder and a sense of entitlement it seems. Maybe it was the ideas of the hippie generation.

[Patrisha]

Hi Kate,
I agree that this estrangement from our children these days has become an epidemic problem. I also feel the effect of that from my children esp DD and grand-daughters Mothers. Really its part of the times we live in, the place is so hard and the system, technology and the fast pace of Life has made Life very complex for people, demanding more and more from people that probably the younger people don't have space to think about their parents, let alone do anything about visiting, contacting.
Its more difficult for elder parents coming from a different era, so we see things in a totally different way.

[Stilllearning]

Honestly I blame the era of connectivity for our pain in this area.  Back before telephones if your YS went off to see the world it was unusual if you ever heard from them again.  Most people could not read and write so letters were often impossible and the thought of traveling days by horseback or covered wagon or stage coach just to catch up, well it was beyond most people's means.  The parents of those young adults often thought about their children but they understood why they never heard from them.  Our children have no such excuse.  They are just too involved in their own lives to take notice of our lives.  That and the fact that most of them cannot conceive of a world where their parents would ever need any help from them.  Let's face it, when they are young they put their parents on an incredibly high pedestal where we stay until we fall on our faces usually into a nursing facility.  All the more reason to spend less time thinking about what might have been and more time enjoying the time we have left, even with our our biological family. 

Anyway because it is so easy to stay in touch by email, text and phone we, as parents, have no excuses we can make for our ACs except that they are too busy to pick up a phone.  Heck, even long distance calls are free now!  This hurts our feelings where in olden days there was only longing involved.  It does not make it any easier but understanding it spurs me into going out and enjoying the remainder of my life instead of sitting at home wishing they would call. 

[Lillycache]

I think it's just self absorption..  I know my son loves me and cares what happens to me, however he just doesn't see the need to call or communicate..  I hear from him about ever 6-8 weeks.. and see him and his kids 3 or 4 times a year.  He is learning a new job and fills in with babysitting duties, as his wife is also working.  I know it's stressful and there is a lot of juggling going on.   So I don't read very much into it.

However, I wonder if part of it isn't some of us Boomers fault.  We are an independent lot.. and are remaining in the workforce longer.  We are interested in our own interests and are perhaps healthier than our parents.  Maybe our kids see us as strong and indestructible and in little need of attention.   I know I didn't see my mom that way, she was dependent and needy... so I looked after her more with visits and calls.  I'm not that way so perhaps my son feels ok with his lack of contact. Unfortunately, I will not always be healthy and self-sufficient..  That will tell the tale I guess.

[Patrisha]

Its a really interesting topic - at first I was "hurt" by my DD's behaviour but since then I have thought things through and accepted that she has her own Life to live, perhaps I won't be part of it just now but instead of over-reacting and making it into a drama, focus on all the wonderful positive people in my Life, my Sons and their partners, my gran-daughters, friends, work colleagues and all the exciting things I haven't managed to do yet as I was a Mother from a very early age and for most of my adult Life I have had to deal with everyone's muddles and problems!
So focus instead on my Health and well-being, looking and feeling great, holistically and who knows what may happen in the future! Only time will tell. Who knows what's going on for my DD, she is sensitive and shy and its important for her to build her family unit. So instead of being "hurt" by her and reacting in a childish way get on with being the best I can be for myself first. Then if she returns or requests to see me I won't have neglected myself and the whole of my Life. What a surprise for her that if she ever returns to see me in my Full glory instead of a depressed, negative, old woman! Lol.
I really think the times we live in and the technology have changed people, and young people have very different issues to deal with than when we were younger so its just about understanding what they have to deal with and it isn't easy. I look around me and see young people getting murdered, dying early, suffering from health conditions that are mostly preventable because people neglect themselves just trying to stay above "water", definitely in the inner cities like London. Best to be the bigger person and show some understanding for them. Keep focused on being Happy with self, stay balanced, create a social Life, have hobbies and interests, leave the light on for the children to "return" when they want to but draw boundaries about Bank of Mum, disrespectful behaviour and stick to it. In my situation I will not set myself up to be "used" just for money by my child and don't be quite so available, not in a grudgeful way just so they also learn that WE do MATTER.

[kate123]

Hi All, I don't know if it is ok to put links here but I found a couple that might be useful to everyone. The first is an article on shunning in Psychology Today. It is mostly for shunning that occurs in the workplace, however the advice can be applied to any situation. Much of what is said is reflected here at WWU which I think shows that the advice given by Luise and the other managers is right in line with what a psychologist/therapist would tell you.

The other thing I came across is a book on Amazon. I have not read all of it because I am waiting on a kindle. But I read the preview pages and it looks like a pretty good book for estranged parents.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-bullying/201309/the-silence-shunning-conversation-kipling-william

http://www.amazon.com/Abandoned-Parents-Consequences-Children-Abandoning/dp/150097370X#reader_150097370X