Author Topic: Can't Apologize  (Read 1510 times)

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Offline kate123

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Can't Apologize
« on: March 15, 2015, 01:37:56 PM »
Hello All,
I am stopping in again to get your opinions, I am curious to what others are doing or have done with estranged Ad/As. As always I surf the net for answers even though I know there is no answer for most of our situations. The common element I see in the various blogs, sites, or books is that they recommend that you apologize to your children for your wrongdoing and accept their perspective. Well I just can't do that. I can't admit I was wrong and apologize for things that I did not do. I won't apologize for doing my best even if they did not like it. I won't apologize for abuse that never happened. IMO if I say I am sorry for any of it then I am saying that I did do wrong, and I did not. They was no abuse, no drugs, no alcohol. There is no excuse for my AD behavior except that she became very religious, and I have never been. I have stopped trying to connect with her and at this point I truly have given up and don't care to make any effort. But I still read about how others are doing and would like to know if people really think that feeding into their delusions is the way to go, not that I will do it, just curious.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2015, 07:28:17 PM »
Here's my intake on this: I agree. If I ask for information regarding something new to me out of curiosity, I appreciate being informed. If I don't ask, and am not interested, I politely listen and follow up by making my disinterest clear. I don't try to dissuade another, nor do I want to take a defensive posture under pressure. If I am respectful and the respect is not returned...I seek others out. I'm not into being coerced or taking sides nor endorsing conflict. My basic premise is mutual respect and I seek others who also revere that principle. That's my right.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2015, 07:41:43 AM »
Although I have made plenty of mistakes over my lifetime, and I am an apologetic person when I have done something wrong, intentionally or unintentionally, I too will not apologize for things I did not do.  And on that note, I hate when someone apologizes with a "I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry you took things that way."  I don't think that is an apology, but that you are apologizing for how the other person is acting or feeling.  I will not do either.  If I was to try and apologize for something that I didn't do, I know me.  It would come out very insincere and I wouldn't mean it. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2015, 09:22:48 AM »
Kate, being a parent is an incredibly difficult task and one that very few of us manage without making some mistakes.  Hindsight is 20/20 and in hindsight there are quite a few things that I would change if I could.  There were times when I was stricter than I now think was necessary and other times....well you get the idea.  The point is that none of us got step by step instructions when we brought our infants home and the most we can say is that we did the very best we knew how at the time. 

Our children see through children's eyes.  If we won't let them eat their entire bag of trick or treat candy they only feel deprived, they do not understand that the entire bag would have made them sick.  I say this to hopefully help you understand that even though from our adult viewpoint we did nothing wrong when raising our children, from our children's point of view things can seem completely different.  Most children figure out that their memories are not entirely accurate once they have children of their own.  Some never do.  Anyway in your DD's eyes she feels wronged and whether she is right or not is not the issue.  The issue is her feelings.  Hopefully she will be able to work things out eventually without an apology from you.  I do think that an sincere apology would speed things up but you cannot give one if you don't feel like you did something wrong. 

I tended to focus on the trouble with my DS to the exclusion of all the joy in my life.  By the time I realized what was happening the gloom I projected had actually made some of my friends and loved ones decide not to hang around me.  I am still trying to overcome that sentiment.  Oh well.  I have learned to shift my focus to things that I enjoy and things that others enjoy.  I still sometimes visit the abyss but I no longer dwell there.  It was not healthy for me or for the others in my life.  I remind myself that the only one who can make me sad is me and I decide to be happy instead.  I took my life back and you can reclaim yours too!  It takes time and work but what do you have to lose?

Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline kate123

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2015, 06:43:18 AM »
Thank you Wise women. It is funny, Pooh, that you mentioned the "I am sorry you feel that way" approach because I have read that too but dismissed it as well because it seems a bit fake to me. I thought of that just after posting and figured that maybe that is what would be recommended. Glad that it wasn't. SL, My AD is 41 and should be long past any childish resentments, and in my opinion should be saying "now I understand why she did this or that". I have moved on for the most part but it still haunts me now and then for the "why?". Is it the ex, the ex-in laws, her husband, her in-laws, or just me? I have mentioned my Mother before and how I came to realize her "mistakes" by about age 20-21. My sister however never really did and they had not much of a relationship, if any. She (my sister) has no idea how much love she missed out on. Her loss for sure.
Thank you Luise for the words of wisdom. You are so right, you can't have a relationship without respect.
So glad I wrote in because I kept trying to talk myself into considering trying to apologize in some way, but like I said I just can't do it. At least now I know that I am not totally off the mark with my thinking.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 09:31:31 AM »
On the lighter side, regarding Pooh's wonderful post, my husband and I used to ride to work together and sometimes got into it on the commute. Later, my phone would ring at my desk and it would be him, his voice deeply apologetic, saying..."I'm so sorry you were bad."  Then we'd both laugh. ;)
« Last Edit: March 18, 2015, 11:09:25 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2015, 10:59:26 AM »
Ha ha!  Yes, DH and I do that sort of stuff too.  He told me the other day, "You know it really was your fault.  If you had just told me for a third time to do that, we wouldn't have argued about it. I would have given in."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline kate123

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Re: Can't Apologize
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2015, 04:45:52 PM »
Luise I like that one, I can just hear what would be said if I sent that text to my AD....sooo tempting! HA :P