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Really hurting by my ac esp ad

Started by dogmusic, March 14, 2015, 07:21:19 am

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dogmusic

 :( I am so hurt. My ad won't talk to my dh or me at all. She has 2 kids and one on the way. We don't even know if it's going to be a girl or a boy. She says I don't tell her I love her enough and I am selfish and no one likes me. Meanwhile I had been showering her kids with gifts on all occasions and beyond. Every spare penny in our budget went to her and her family. Dh went to talk to her (she lives 400 miles away) and she told him she would call the cops. I couldn't go with him that time because I had just had surgery which she cared nothing about. I don't know if she is mentally ill or an extremely spoiled brat. She has suddenly started talking to our as and turned him against us. He lives near us and we hardly hear from him. Easier to forgive him as he has always been dealing with LD, ADHD, and depression. We just don't know what to do. She has taken away our grandchildren. She has taken away our joy and our future. And she doesn't care two bits. She is so angry and hateful. We think she wants more money from us which we can't afford to give her right now. But we are not sure that this is the case. She won't talk to us so there is no way to know but she is resentful of any material thing we have, like we are supposed to spend on her first and not have things for ourselves. I know we can never go back. She has burned her bridges with the hateful way she has behaved. I almost wish she was mentally ill so I could forgive her actions but I don't think she is. I think she is selfish and hateful and I am so embarrassed that I have raised such a terrible person. Oh yeah. She thinks I am a terrible mother too. I loved my kids so much this is killing me.

luise.volta

Welcome D. We ask all new members to go to out home page and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have experienced being turned on by an adult child, as have many of who post here. It was similar but not the same, of course. Our circumstances all vary. What was so hard for me were my perfectly reasonable expectations not being taken into consideration. I did my best as a mother. That's all any of us can do. It took me a long time to get through redoing my life, so it wasn't focused there. That was the only thing I had any say in, my own life. Sending hugs.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dogmusic

Thank you for your response. I am trying to refocus but it is so hard. And I  feel selfish for trying to refocus and not centering on my kids like I am used to. Does that make sense? Anyway, I will keep plodding along and hope that I can find something else that gives me hope and joy. I am thinking of doing some kind of charity work but I haven't decided what would fit me best yet. I am so confused right now.

luise.volta

That was the answer for me. It didn't come easily but it did come. I do volunteer work where I am treated with respect and I have found a full life beyond my biological role, even though that was not my first choice. WWU is a place to be heard and to heal. Again, welcome...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

It is never easy to refocus our lives.  It became easier for me when I realized that the person I was trying to reconnect with was actually gone.  He had been replaced by this other person who was quite frankly very difficult to connect with.  The time I spent with him was not pleasurable.  If he had been anyone but my DS  I would not have given him the time of day.  So why did I spend all day every day trying to figure out how to "fix" a relationship with someone who I really did not even enjoy being around?

The grands are a different matter but still one that is out of your reach.  I have to practice saying "that is not my problem" over and over again.  I still say it......all the time.

Good luck!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pen

D, I am so glad you found this site! Welcome, welcome. As you read old posts you will see that you are not alone and that there is hope for a joyous life beyond the pain you're feeling right now.

It seemed impossible to me when I was in the worst part of my DS/DIL issues, but it does get easier. Give yourself time; baby step it. Your situation is not fair & you don't deserve this treatment from your AC, but all you can do is control how you react; unfortunately, you cannot control what others do or say.

I spent a lot of time here on the site drawing wisdom and support from all the WW. Then I decided, like Luise said, to focus on the people who loved me and treated me with love, kindness and civility (in other words, my DH who felt helpless when I was upset.) That led to taking care of myself physically - joining a fitness class, watching my calories, enjoying hiking, kayaking and biking again.

In many cases AC have woken up when they realized Mom moved on. No guarantees, of course, 'cos every situation/family is different. But, what do we have to lose? At the very least we've created a fabulous life for ourselves!

My heart goes out to you, D. (((hugs))) Here's hoping your journey brings you joy again.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Welcome and sorry you had to find us.  I agree with what all the others here had already said.  I would only add that you made the statement "She has taken away our joy and our future."  That's was the hardest thing for me to get through my head.  No one can take away our joy or our future except ourselves.  We may have had expectations that we now have to change and refocus, but our joy and our life comes from what we make of it.  Don't allow someone that kind of power over your life.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

dogmusic

Thank you!! I will keep that in my mind as I try to adjust to all this. I still cry everyday but I know eventually it will not be every day. I am not ready to start volunteering yet. I know that. But I can start doing little things that make me happy. Today I am going to make some St. Patrick's Day sugar cookies and send them to my DH's work to put in the break room. I will be searching for extra things to contribute for awhile until I figure out what new things might bring me happiness. Meanwhile I am grateful for a DH who is nice to me and a fluffy little doggy who is so sweet.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama