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distant daughter and struggling to find out why

Started by playagrandma, February 27, 2015, 06:25:10 am

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Hello I am new here and hopefully I can figure what I need to do. I have started therapy to hopefully find some answers. My situation seems to be different than most post I have read so far. My daughter and I were very very close up until the time she got married 13 years ago. I noticed a dramatic change in her shortly she moved into a new house with her husband to be. He is so outgoing and on the surface so friendly, I couldn't figure out her mood change. She went from calling me several times a week to nothing. We spent two weeks in their new house while her dad remodeled their basement. I didn't hardly see her in those two let alone saying two words to me. I let it go. After three years of marriage, she gave birth to our precious grandson. From the time he was born up until now, we have always been there to help with him. my son in law travels and my daughter works part time as a nurse-our grandson goes to private school and needs to be driven. They take numerous trips and her dad and I are always there to take care of our grandson and now a dog-a lab. Yet we will go their house and I am lucky if I can get a hello. The only two conversations we have had in the last couple of years-is her scolding me and her dad on how we handle money. By the way, we do not get paid for helping with our grandson-saving them tons of money over the years not to mention their time away for themselves. They give us a $50 gas card every month and the only help we get to maintain an older car. I know I should try and sit down and have a talk but I have I am a crier-I get very emotional and also the Italian in me will raise my voice the more emotional I get and she thinks I am getting defensive when in fact she will has has. I am starting to wonder if her husband is the root of the problem and she is going along with him. He is rather controlling-never loses an argument or disagreement-like its his way or the highway. We have stopped going to their house unless we are going to take care of our grandson because after two cocktails my son in law gets very argumentive and also he has a very low opinion of her dad and that makes me so sad. Of course I have the feeling I am at fault here but for the life of me cant figure out what I could I have did. The final straw was last sunday when he attended our grandsons Baptism. I understand this day was about him and not his grandparent and would not have missed it for anything in fact cut our vacation short to be there. Our daughter had invited several other people. after the actuall baptism, each childs family had a table to celebrate. From the we arrived until the time we left, she did not say one word to us. However she managed to talk to everyone else. So do you think I am being paranoid-do you think maybe we being taken for granted. Hopefully therapy will help me sort this out. By the way I am 67-she is 44. Any input will be appreciated.


Don't be so hard on yourself..This is
Not nice behaviour towards parents.
This is about them not you..
Is there possibly a drinking problem here
With your daughters husband?
Could explain a lot


Quoteam starting to wonder if her husband is the root of the problem and she is going along with him. He is rather controlling-never loses an argument or disagreement-like its his way or the highway.

Yup - I think this is answer.  And, I think your daughter is quiet to keep the peace.  And, I believe that your son-in-law suffers from a mental health issue (perhaps a personality disorder).  And, I think you did nothing wrong.  What is the saying - I did not cause it; I can not control it; I am unable to cure it.

My advice - love your grandson; be kind to your daughter; expect nothing.


thanks for your kind words and reply. We never really thought he had a drinking problem until lately and not sure if he does. He is a very successful salesman and makes a great living and our daughter and grandson don't want for anything. Like I said we really never paid attention to the drinking at dinner until lately-just seems lately he has gotten more argumentive and hitting the scotch before dinner and wine at dinner. He starts a heated debate with our daughter everytime we have dinner over there and the last time got very snotty with her dad. I think we should have figured him out long time ago when he put his dad in a nursing home in California-we live in Georgia and never went to see him. He sent money to the nursing home and I guess this was his idea of caring. So maybe everyone is right here. I would never desert my grandson or daughter. She knows I love her and I am here for her. And yes she probably doesn't want to bother me with any issues as she needs to live with him. Possibly his job is become an issue-the stress of traveling and the expectations of providing the lifestyle he has given them. I do feel sorry for our grandson-he is an only child and we are afraid their will be expectations placed on him that he cant meet. I know he has in some ways done this to our daughter.  He seems to always right and never wrong. Thanks again for letting me vent,


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