Author Topic: Feeding sad and confused about what to do  (Read 1255 times)

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Sparrow

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Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« on: February 04, 2015, 10:05:26 AM »
I am new to this site. I have a son, DIL and 2 grandchildren. I feel like I am being shunned and distanced from because I am not religious like my son and DIL. It seems like I have been distanced from because I do not think and do things the way they think I should.

I am, and I have always been a very caring, sensitive, loving and supportive person. I am what I would define as a good person because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone or injure them in any way. Over the years, I have been supportive to my son, DIL, and my grandchildren financially and emotionally. As time goes on, they have been more and more distant from me which is unnerving, and sadly the only reason I can find for this is religion.

If I send an email, I might get a 2 word answer or no answer at all. If I send a gift; I have to call or email to find out if they received it. If I send money, I never hear a thank you. So, now I have stopped giving gifts, sending money, and now I am stopping the email. If I call, they either have no time to talk, or they do not return my call. So, I have stopped calling. In the midst of this; I have hurt feelings and I feel confused and a bit lost on how to handle a situation in which there is distance, lost connectivity, and hurt feelings. The only stated reason for this treatment is that I am not religious, I don't go to church.

I cannot change and become someone or something that I am not. I love my family but I cannot become something or someone that I am not for them or anyone else. What or where is the solution here? These behaviors now have me very frightened and angry. I would never treat anyone that way.

Doesn't common courtesy, understanding, and empathy count for anything anymore?

If anyone has any suggestions, I will appreciate it. Thank you.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2015, 10:58:43 AM by luise.volta »

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2015, 11:17:32 AM »
S I know where you are coming from!  I have been there, done that.  The religion had nothing to do with mine though because my DS is not religious either.  Mine had to do with me and how I was feeling.  I was totally unhappy, it showed in my actions and seeped into every part of my life.  I got to the point where no one wanted to be around me, even me!!  Then I found this site and realized that I am not alone.

Since then I have read a lot of posts here and implemented a lot of the tips I found here into my life.  Things have really improved for me and they can for you too.  I know you want an easy fix, but there is not one.  It takes time and work but you can get there.  So the first thing you need to work on?  Being happy!  This part is fun once you get the hang of it!  Stop thinking about the relationship with your DS/DIL.  Start thinking about the things that make you happy.  Is it long walks?  Movies? Travel? Friends? Shopping? Art? Museums? Camping? Boating? Skying?  Plan something you enjoy and go out and enjoy it!  Do not let your life revolve around this one irritating thing, shift your focus to something else. 

Once you have done that you will see that allowing your DS/DIL to make you unhappy is your choice.  They cannot make you unhappy without your consent so stop allowing them that ability.  Take your power back.

I know it sounds so easy but we all slip.  Just last night I was completely heartbroken because my DS did not even call to wish me happy birthday but today I took my power back again!! 

Good luck! (( Hugs!!))
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2015, 11:20:09 AM »
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our home page and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

After you have read the agreement, I hope you will understand why I have edited your post. Because we have members here from nearly every religion and many who don't belong to any...we are very careful not to open up the many points of view on that subject. Most of us have experienced both kindness and cruelty from others regarding our belief system.

What I connect with on you post is being judged and punished for being who we are. That is something I have experienced. Others have wanted to change me and in my earlier years I profess to trying to do that. I didn't work, of course. I am who I am. What was really hard for me to get was that others couldn't change either and if their treatment of me was purposefully disrespectful...then I was negating myself as well, if I took it in stride. My elder son got to make his own choices. I taught him what I thought was right and as an adult, he got to refute it. Since that brought him to judging me, I knew that accepting his abuse was not who I was or what I wanted to model for my grandchildren. Withdrawing was miserable and doing it without rancor was initially impossible but I learned through trial and error.

It has been a long haul but/and I again have a full life beyond my biological one. We each do our best. It took a long time, as I have said before. However, it was worth it. Sending hugs...
« Last Edit: February 04, 2015, 11:21:46 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sparrow

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Re: Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2015, 03:52:00 PM »
Thank you for your responses. I appreciate it very much. I never want to be or seem disrespectful to anyone and I believe strongly that everyone has a right to their beliefs. I hate to be focused on that issue.

I agree whole heartedly about focusing more on my life and less on the issues, problems, concerns and things that cause the distance and break down in the relationship.

It is time to wait and see what happens while taking care of myself.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2015, 09:24:44 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2015, 04:13:10 PM »
Your post was modified again. What your beliefs are is not what we are responding to and don't need to be stated. If you want to state them and your position, there are Websites that focus on such issues. We do care that you are up against a tough impasse and are sincerely offering our suggestions.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Feeding sad and confused about what to do
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2015, 10:16:11 AM »
Welcome, SS! I've been "shunned" by old friends whose political/religious beliefs became more important than their old relationships. It hurts terribly. It must be awful when it happens with your own AC. I wouldn't want to bend into a pretzel and be something that didn't feel true to me just to keep these people in my life either. ((hugs))

It seems impossible that things will ever feel right again, and it's true that things will never be exactly the same as they were. However, you can find a way to have joy in your life again by taking care of yourself and doing things that fulfill you. Sometimes our AC come back around when the "pressure" (as they see it) is off or the life they are currently defending isn't all they hoped it would be.



Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb