Author Topic: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.  (Read 2562 times)

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Terri

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I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« on: June 09, 2010, 10:52:25 PM »
My DIL has once again upset my husband & I.  I need to vent before I blow up!  I would like some honest opinions about how to handle this.

We haven't seen or heard from son #1 or the grandkids since Easter.  My birthday was just after Easter.  Son #1did let the grandkids call me but he never got on the phone just hung it up when I asked for him.  Son's birthday, I called he didn't answer or return my call.  My husband tried to call too.  No answer.   Mother's Day, no call or card.  I've since tried calling but get nowhere.  This is not the first time this goes on nor will it probably be the last.  My husband has a heart attack so I decide they don't care about us so I didn't call them.  Keep in mind we did nothing wrong.  We just didn't "please" DIL in some way so we are banned "again".  My husband's cell phone rings at 9:30 p.m. & its son #1 asking what happened to him.  My husband was allowed to talk to the grandkids but when I got on the phone with them, they told me they had to go.  I gave the phone back to my husband so he could at least talk to them.  To our shock, our DIL gets on to talk to my husband (she never talks to him on the phone).  He told her he has really been stressed out about not getting to see the grandkids & would love to make some arrangements to see them.  Of course, she put all the blame on me being the reason for it.  She proceeded to get my husband stressed out on his first day out of the hospital.  Should I say something to her about trying to be more considerate of his situation or leave it alone?  I wished I had just got on the phone when I realized what was going on.  She is so inconsiderate or cold hearted.  He went to bed feeling very depressed.

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2010, 11:43:06 PM »
It was obviously a poor choice to talk about such things when your dh was just out of hospital following a heart attack I agree.  I think the questions you need to ask yourself though are:

Is raising this going to cause my stress on your ill dh?

Is it more important that the door is once again open?

cremebrulee

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2010, 03:50:32 AM »
I'm very sorry your husband is ill....and I agree, it was a bad time to discuss things, however, your DIL should have been mature and compassionate and not raised a fuss...just left it alone....and been nice to him and you....and agreed upon setting up a time for a visit....holding onto grudges is bad for everyone...

If I were you, I'd keep trying, be as nice as you can, and don't allow her to bring you down to her level...try ignoring her behavior and move forward....don't take it personal....and don't try to win, b/c you won't....this is a no win situation for everyone...no matter how hard you try to defend yourself and actions, you will come out looking like the bad guy.  Let it go...and be a lady....be nice to her, and ignore everything she says, and when your hubby is down about this, reassure him that she is just being immature....laugh about it to him or make a joke to let him know you are not upset....and tell him, lets not take this personal...we know this is the way she is for some reason, and she is not going to change...it's nothing we've done....

See, when your going thru something like this, your giving off much negative energy, and everyone around you can feel it when your together....so, you have to recondition yourself about this whole situation....change your attitude...yes, your angry, but if you can understand her, it will help you change your attitude towards her....not to mention, things she does, will roll of your back and not upset you...the moment you get upset, your husband and everyone else feels it....your actually allowing her to manipulate your lives...just let it pass, and give off love and understanding....love her no matter what....don't react negatively or with defense...just say, yes, and go forward...and think to yourself if you can..."this is her, her problem, not mine, I won't allow her to upset me...unfortunately there is a reason she is like this, and it isn't us...no matter who she would have married, she would be like this".  Say this over and over until you can believe it....and be confident...so that you send positive energy along with love....when you don't respond, there is nothing more can be said...and when you respond in defense of your actions, you get all upset, raise your voice, cry, yell, whatever, and make yourself look bad.  That is what she's doing, she's pushing your buttons....why?  Because that is the way she is...and it has nothing to do with you....not really, it's her persona....her problem...keep talking to yourself, so you gain control of your emotions....and whatever you do, do nothing out of spite or revenge....ever.....calm down and just say over and over again....I love her, I love my son, and nothing is going to bring out the worst in me.  It's difficult in the beginning, but the more you practice it, the calmer you will become and you'll start being able to have a clear mind and heart....and be able to control your tongue...your husband is your first priority right now and he doesn't need to be hurt or upset...consentrate on him....loving him and taking care of him...and let your DIL show just how mean she is...by reacting to her with love...you will get so so much more out of that....believe me.

Hugs
Creme

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2010, 06:52:34 AM »
I agree with Creme. When I get stuck in that kind of situation, I write endless emails defending my position but I don't write them on my email program, I write them in Word. Daily, or even several times a day, I vent until it dies a natural death. No one is getting hurt by it...so I can say anything I want to and no fuel is added to the fire. When I'm back in balance and again in touch with my beliefs and values...I communicate from my heart.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Sassy

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2010, 11:56:05 AM »
I am sorry for your husband's health.

I don't know if talking to your DIL about consideration will help improve matters.  DIL may have been a bit blindsided and not known how to react when DH told her he was stressed by not seeing the grandkids.

DIL was not used to talking to your husband on the phone, and when she did it was right after his heart attack and presumably to wish him good health.  If that's why she got on the phone, she was probably more expecting him to talk about his health and probably not expecting him to tell her he was stressed out about not seeing the grandkids.  She may not have prepared a response in advance.  Maybe in a weird way DIL thought blaming you was less stressful than saying to him when he's ill, that she blamed him?  But it wasn't nice of her to blame you, not at all.   

But no matter the reason DIL gave him, I wonder if DH probably would have been rather depressed about any outcome, other than getting to see his grandkids.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2010, 12:01:49 PM by Sassy »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2010, 01:16:07 PM »
I agree. I think that generalization and prejudice are the same thing or at least country-cousins. Sending love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Postscript

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2010, 01:41:04 PM »
As the saying goes, when you point a finger, remember three are pointing back at you. ;)

I thought about this last night.  Were I in this dils position, I think I would be looking at it from the standpoint that, if I spoke to fil there would be a chance he'd raise the matter of the cut off (which is what happened) and if I didn't speak to him, I'd look like an uncaring witch and perhaps (as I do) she quite likes her fil and doesn't want him to think she doesn't care about him?

Where this dil went wrong I think was explaining herself.  There is a time and a place, this wasn't it, but how to avoid it once it was raised?  I'm not sure.  Would my fil be satisfied in any way if I told him it wasn't the time to talk about it?   I sincerely doubt it would have been left there.  So once in that situation, my question is, how could she gracefully get out of it?


Offline luise.volta

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2010, 03:09:31 PM »
This site isn't for everyone. Some come in and read many topics and threads before they judge and some don't. If your first post is to criticize multiple members, perhaps you would be happier someplace else.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2010, 04:42:53 PM »
Most of the replies on this site are supportive, helpful and kind even if the posters don't agree with each other. I'm sorry some readers haven't seen that. This site has helped many of us deal with very difficult issues, and Luise does a great job keeping it positive and accepting.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pen

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2010, 10:48:56 PM »
Considering the immense hurt a lot of our MILs have experienced, I'm pleased to see that this hasn't degenerated into a DIL-bashing site. Yes, more MILs post here, and that's fine...DILs have plenty of other places to go if they need to vent and bash. Luise has a different mission here, and I think we mostly live up to it. Sometimes not, but Luise and other members will usually jump in to redirect. We're always open to hearing from DILs who are interested in communicating with acceptance and understanding. I love "our" DILs  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2010, 05:47:41 AM »
Quote
MLW07
Be careful lumping DILs into the category of insecure as there are just as many MILs that are insecure and trouble makers.


MLW07, I read her statement to say...
It appears to me that quite often the DIL's that many of us on this forum are dealing with

to me, that isn't lumping all DIL's together, she said, the MIL's on this forum.  And I believe we all do realize, that not all DIL's are bad people, as well as MIL's.  We all try to keep saying that, b/c this is a very touchy subject....but sometimes, in writing, we forget...so, I'd like, if I may to ask you, to try and also keep that in mind...I've done it myself, many times.

I've also got a need to tell you, and I mean this in the most respectful and kindest way....I've been writing in many other forums....however, this forum doesn't pick and choose, nor does it gang up on, or become defensive, because we're MIL's.  We have a lot of DIL members who are in fact hurting just as much as some of us are....but your going to find, that everyone in here is patient, kind, and generous with they're feelings and advice....this is unlike any other forum I've known....so please keep that in mind...your not going to have to worry about defending yourself b/c your a DIL...or worry that someone is going to jump all over you b/c you think and feel as you do.  When you come here, and write, your a member of a community and not a DIL or MIL....

No one in here has an attitude, and everyone is compassionate and supportive....so please, if you would be so kind, give us a chance, read a little, and understand, we don't all think alike, we don't all react to situations the way we should during conflict, despair and hurt....we do wrong things sometimes in desparation and hurt....

read us for awhile, and know, you don't have to come into this forum defensive....you are immediately accepted for who you are, and your feelings about situations and issues, are valid....

Just wanted to let you know, that we will make mistakes, however, I believe everyone in here realizes the fact that not all DIL's/Mil's are bad people....sometimes we do tend to generalize....but in this case, I believe your wrong...the op did refer to the DIL's some of us in this forum are dealing with....

you said this site doesn't always seem friendly to DIL's....pardon me for saying so, but you couldn't be more wrong...as I stated, we have a lot of DIL members....and they are hurting to....looking for support and answers, just as you may be...so I'm suggesting you give this site a chance, read more, don't jump the gun when you see some of us generalizing....it isn't meant to be so....and like I said before, we all do it, we don't mean to, but in writing out our feelings sometimes we forget....it to me, is a given that everyone believes and understands, that just b/c a few MIL's are having problems with DIL's or visa Versa, no two people are alike, and we certainly don't feel that DIL's are all bad or insecure....I know personally, a lot of really awesome DIL's. 

so, hang a round awhile, take the time to read some of us, and get to know us....and try and understand, sometimes we don't always do the right thing....or say the right thing, or react the right ways to situations....I agree, with you, and I believe it was stated by several of us to just simply be nice to her....and if I write you, or we, I'm generalizing, not pointing fingers at anyone here....I have a very bad habit of doing that....

Please take the time to read and get to know us....we're not a hate site nor are we a mil against dil site....this is a saftey haven, for those to come in and just vent, or share good stories...or hurts....we don't want to hurt others as we've been hurt....so give us a try, you might be very surprised at the fact that we're a pretty good fit.

Hugs
Creme


Creme
« Last Edit: June 11, 2010, 05:56:35 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2010, 08:49:34 AM »
I know nothing about other forums because this one takes up what free time I have. I have been told that they can be vicious...and that bashing can be brutal. I don't know how many of them are monitored or what the goals might be of the monitors. If it's attack and victimization, then so be it.

This is my forum. I designed it and my son is my webmaster. The reason it follows a different path than most is that I diligently oversee it and maintain quality control...and there are many members who do the same, bless their hearts.

Please go to the category marked "Grab Bag" and on page two of the titles read "Monitoring and Managing a Web-forum" and read it when you have the time. 

Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

donewithdrama

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2010, 01:15:47 PM »
I'm a DIL and I have found the ladies on the site to be nothing but supportive and kind  ;D

willingtohelp

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2010, 01:55:57 PM »
I've got to agree.  Even when we debate on this site, things tend to stay on the topic without ad hominem attacks.  This is one place where you can let your guard down because you're seen as a person, not as a label.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I need to vent! DIL has really upset me.
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2010, 02:52:45 PM »
Isn't that cool?  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama