Author Topic: Just checking!  (Read 2843 times)

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Offline shiny

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Just checking!
« on: January 29, 2015, 05:46:24 PM »
Are all of you WWU doing okay?
The forum has been quiet for awhile ... And I didn't want to be the one to break the peaceful atmosphere!  (Having some difficult days lately)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2015, 06:32:43 PM »
Please share what's going on, S. We're here!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2015, 08:59:46 AM »
Yes.  I'm still around too.  I have just got to a point where I have let my issues go so I don't post much any longer.  This forum was a lifesaving tool for me for a few years, but I honestly have moved past most of it in my own life, thanks to much help from the lovely Ladies here.  That doesn't mean I don't still have issues from time to time, it just means I have actually learned to deal with them better and not let them rule me like I did for a long time.  I deal totally different with my issues now.

But do not let that stop you from posting.  To me, that is the goal.  Helping others get to that point as well.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2015, 11:28:14 AM »
That's what we're for! To have graduates! YES! :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2015, 11:47:36 PM »
Hi, Shiny. I'm here too, even though I don't have a lot to post about these days. What's going on?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline shiny

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2015, 03:40:56 AM »
Well, it seems childish since I've made g.r.e.a.t. progress these past few years ...

BUT, it does haunt me every so often. Only this time it's here again and won't leave. Am obsessed about it, since the issue is constantly in my mind.

That is, my DIL snubs me. Oh, she comes to the house for holidays, acts nicely, but NO conversation. She and DSL have been married over five years, and I keep hoping our relationship will grow closer, but it's getting more distant.

I know DS loves us, and he is good to email, call and visit.
But she is so intertwined with her FOO, I sometimes wonder if the umbilical cord is still attached?

The ONLY reason this bothers me so is b/c of my little GD.
I don't hear much about her, her development, etc. even though I've asked DIL to keep me posted. She ignores that request.
And some of the photos I get from DS show her mother in them. He doesn't have one clue that I'm struggling with this. I don't want to be jealous, envious, or covet, so keep it all inside and it churns.
It's not fair -- or even right to treat the other GPs that way. We love the child, too, and interested in her life.
DIL is insensitive to the situation or just plain doesn't care.
And you all know how painful that can be.
Will be glad to get in the place that you all are ... it's encouraging to hear that it's possible!

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2015, 06:05:48 AM »
It comes to a matter of acceptance..  In my case, I have accepted the fact that I don't have the access or contact with my grandkids that my DILs mother does.   I have no clue about what is going on in their lives on a daily basis.. My DS is good about bringing them around maybe 3 or 4 times a year.. but when they arrive, they are like strangers..  Is it fair?    NO... but it's that or not see them at all..  So I have learned to live with it and not dwell on it.  I'm enjoying my life.

Offline Pen

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2015, 07:54:40 PM »
L, you're right. It's not fair. Acceptance is the most difficult thing for me (I "bristle with Righteous Indignation!" lol) and it took me a long time to accept my situation too. I get tripped up every now and then, so I can't claim to be completely over it.

Also, Shiny, I don't have GC yet! I will likely be posting every other day when/if they arrive since DIL has already let us know her Ps will be the important GPs. DS has assured us that he won't let us be forgotten, but I doubt we'll see them any more than we see them now (4X a year?)

I'm sorry you are going through this. We're all in this together, just on different paths sometimes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2015, 08:46:03 AM »
I know what you mean Pen...  It does still hurt sometimes.. even if we have accepted it.  Case in point.... the day my little 4 year old Grandson referred to his maternal grandmother as "the REAL Grandma"...   I let it go and didn't comment. ... but it really really hurt.   I could tell my son was embarassed, but it is what it is.. I know that he really doesn't have much say in it..  So why create a scene..   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2015, 11:13:14 AM »
My experience of letting it go is the same as the rest of you have described. I know I was at the effect of my own pretty minimal expectations and sense of unfairness...but I still have occassional attacks of not wanting to be the one who had to do all the adapting. Part of me continus to ask 'Why?' That's a valid voice and still needs to be heard at times. Why, indeed? Knowing there isn't an answer eventually brings me back to balance. My son is an adult...and his choices are about him and don't have to be run by my needs and belief system. When I get that, yet again, I focus on loving myself because what I sometimes forget is that I was making it worse. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2015, 06:51:02 AM »
Exactly.  Acceptance is not a synonym for "It's ok".  It's simply realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the situation, or the person (or people).   It will never be "OK" with me what my OS has done, or allowed, or participated...whatever it is.  It will never be "OK" that I have a very self-centered DIL that encouraged the whatever it is.  It will never be "OK" that her Mother also encouraged and instigated much of it.  It will never be "OK" that I haven't ever met my GD because of the above three and neither has anyone in our family. 

There will always be a place in my heart that is sad over the situation, but now I liken it to there will always be a place in my heart that misses my Grandmother.  There are still times where something will trigger memories of my Grandmother and I truly wish she was still here.  But I don't let it rule my life, or dwell on it.  I can't change it.  All I can do is accept that is how they are, that is how it is and nothing I can do about it.  No more than I can bring back my Grandma.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2015, 06:58:54 AM »
What was so hard for me was that I had an incredibly close relationship with my Grandmother.. So many of my best childhood memories were with her...  I has just taken it for granted that I could have the same relationship with my grandchildren.. and had my heart set on it..  What didn't occur to me was that MY grandmother was my maternal grandmother..  MY mother wasn't fond of my dad's mom... so I hardly got to know her.   Not until much later when I sought her hour and got to hear some of the stories she had about immigrating from Germany.. and how she met my grandfather  and stories about my dad as a little boy.

What sad is that these selfish and heartless DILs are really depriving their children of HALF of their heritage..  It's not fair to them either.  But, I hold hope that when my GKs are older they also will seek me out to talk about the things they don't know about their family.   All I can do is hope.

Offline Footloose

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2015, 08:40:50 AM »
Hi Shiny,
I guess I am a bit of a graduate as well? My situation has improved with my DS but remains challenging w/ him and DIL.  I now expect it because it appears to be our new normal. 

She just has a hard time putting herself in other people's shoes. She know everything and has even said she knows more than the doctors.  She very well may as she is very smart but It scares me a bit when folks are this rigid.  They could miss something good that could really improve their quality of life.

I have fond memories of my grandmoms too.  We saw the maternal side most because we lived near by and she stayed with us 6 kids Mon- Fri.  No such thing as daycare in the 60s in our town. Even tho we saw the pat gmom only once a year or less, I still couldn't pick one gmom as a fav over the other.   

My time w. GCs is so much less that DIL's mom but that's OK by me.   (most days:)

So when DIL is insensitive or posts happy grandparents day to her family only, I just know that she has more growth in her future.  She actually believes her 3 sons and daughter will stay by her forever.  No worries about her future DIL relationships because she is a perfect mom and her sons would never cut her out of their lives for a second. I hope that is true but she sure isn't setting a good example?  and my son said he wanted to marry me when he grew up (age 4) later he said when he got married, they would move to Fl and I was coming with.  I said your new bride may not like that and he said, "Then I won't marry her!" (age 9) LOL! outta the mouths of babes?!

I do believe Karma has a way of  balancing things out. 

If my eyes have been able to avoid popping out six feet across the room, with the fact they live in AZ and do not have the 4 yo nor the 2.5 yo vaccinated, then I can let a lot wash over me?!  It has been SO HARD keeping my trap shut especially with the measles outbreak!

We must let go of our expectations and mommy instinctive control.  These are NOT OUR children, they belong to our kids and hopefully they will end up doing a better job than we did even if it is done so differently!!!

Hugs dear and I hope your days get better!

Offline shiny

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Re: Just checking!
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2015, 05:05:28 PM »
Thanks everyone ... I just needed someone to talk good sense to me!
All of you WWU made wise statements that I agree with, and hopefully, will act upon.
Well, at least it will get me over the hump ... also, Pooh reminds me to take control of my emotions in circumstances/relationships instead of them ruling over me. That's a weak area of mine.