Author Topic: I'm at a loss  (Read 1838 times)

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Offline Ataloss

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I'm at a loss
« on: December 20, 2014, 12:28:22 PM »
 :'( 40 yrs ago when my son was born I was in the process of a divorce to a man Abe ( not real names) I was living with with Bob , Carl was bobs baby.  Remember this was 40 years ago , I was 19 . My grandmother told me to put Abes name on the birth certificate so our last names would match otherwise Carl would be illegitimate and know what I did. So I did. I got the divorce and married Bob . He wanted the last name on the birth certificate changed we hired a lawyer and went to court. Bob was proven the true father the certificate was changed the records were sealed Carl got a new birth certificate he would never know and life was good.
When Carl was 9 Abe and I divorced he was an abusive alcoholic . I remarried, had a fire at my house all my records were destroyed except the birth certificates baptismal certificates divorce papers ins papers I kept in a metal box. We moved Carl grew up went to the Army with his birth certificate, came home used it to enroll in school , went to Greece got his passport with it. In thee meanwhile I worked for the state. We had a massive computer hack and overhaul. All records reverted to the original form. He lost his birth certificate. When he applied for a new one he was given the old one with the wrong last name. I had to tell him this truth. But I can't get the court order because 40 yrs have passed the lawyer is dead, I don't have the docket number , the records were sealed. And my son now is badgering me about my past. I even hired a lawyer who couldn't straighten this out. His real fathers aunts have contacted him on my behalf and told him his real father is Bob. He has not had contact with that side of the family since he was 9. His father was a mean spiteful man who wouldn't allow it but he has since died. Well Carl went berserk and put all kinds of horrible stuff on FB including a big surprise that his stepfather burned our house down! My daughter called me hysterical as well as her brother and told him to knock it off. He has to know that is a lie. He has since removed it, but now he hates me and my husband for everything that has happened. He claimed we don't see our grandson enough, yet he doesn't like him to be with us. He says we make him fee uncomfortable but constantly makes derogatory comments about us. Now he is telling me other family members think my husband is stupid, or ignorant, the can't stand him either. Carl doesn't want him at his home for the holidays. I have no night vision so I said I will come over during the day on the 24th. Can someone offer me some advice or comment please? I don't know what to do or say or how to feel.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2014, 06:44:30 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2014, 03:47:53 PM »
Welcome, A. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit. We're a monitored Website.

Your story is sad to read and all I can suggest is that you consider moving into the 'now' and out of the past. If that means discouraging contact, it may serve you well to do that. No one here can tell you what to do, say or feel. Many of us here have let go of our parenting and grandparenting and regained our self respect in the process. We have all made mistakes because we are all human and none of us were born perfect. Your life matters...your peace of mind matters...because you matter.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Ataloss

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2014, 05:32:33 PM »
Thank you Luise. By discouraging contact , do you mean for me to discourage my son from having contact with me? Or should I try to keep my distance from him as to not antoganize him further? my Dil is very sympathetic and understanding but will not get involved and I don't blame her. She said it just leads to my son and she getting into a huge argument. I once tried to explane to my son why the lawyer couldn't fix this mess, and he didn't want to hear it, he just yelled at me that I'm a liar and I need to stop lying. My Sweet 10 yr old GS heard him and yelled at him to not disrespect me and led me away. Then my son calmed down . So in saying all of this I'm thinking 2 things. I do need to distance myself from him, and the second is, he is more hurting from the discovery of my feet of clay than anything else and wants to hurt me through those that I love.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2014, 05:43:08 PM »
Yes, parents are supposed to be the way we looked when our children were little and saw us through the eyes of childhood. Not feet of clay. What your son hasn't seen yet is that he has them, too, because he is human, as well. You gave him life but sometimes, at least it was from my son, forgiveness is long in coming...if at all. It has been said many times here that we learn to choose our friends as the people we want to spend time with...no recriminations or abuse to tear us to pieces.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Ataloss

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2014, 06:26:14 PM »
You are Wise! I was never one to look back with regret on my life. I always just shut the door and moved on to the next chapter. i feel as though all of my past sins have taken root and are growing into winding stifling vine growing around me. I'm glad I found your site. I don't feel so alone.
Thank you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2014, 06:51:32 PM »
I am 87...that helps.  :)  The past is past. Those who want to live there, change it or punish us for it...choose that path. We don't have to follow them there when confronted. We get to choose, too. You are who you are now from living many years and learning many lessons. No one can put you on trial unless you let them. Otherwise...the past, too, is sealed...and is no longer available to discuss, rehash or use as a weapon. Case closed. I believe that the greatest kindness you will ever know is the kindness you give learn to yourself. Sending more hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2014, 08:28:34 PM »
Welcome, A. Many of us here have gotten into sad situations that started when we simply wanted to do what we thought was right at the time. You didn't do anything hateful or evil, you were trying to take care of your son and it backfired.

Luise is very wise and this site is a great support system. I'm glad you found us! I agree that it might be best to give your DS a little space. You have a gem in your DIL; it sounds as if you might be able to keep up to date on your DS's family through her, which is a big blessing. You deserve to be treated with civility at the very least. I hope as your DS matures into his role as father he gains some insight and compassion.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2014, 07:39:13 AM »
Welcome, but sorry you had to find us.  I agree with Luise.  I will also add, and this is just me, I wouldn't be going to my Son's house if he told me my husband wasn't welcome.  I have remarried (and fortunately my Son loves his stepdad), but if he didn't, and as good as my new husband has treated him, it would be all or nothing with me.

That probably sounds harsh, but knowing my DH has done so much for my YS and how well he has treated him, I wouldn't be allowing my YS to treat him badly.  It's his choice what he accepts and what he doesn't, but my thought process is that if my YS was treating me horribly, then my support lies with my DH and the rest of my life lies with my DH. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Ataloss

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2014, 10:50:20 AM »
Gals, I had to laugh, I must say Pooh, that would have been my number 1 response! I just really want to see my grandson. I did tell my son if he asks why Pap isn't with me whenever I do see Dgs, I won't lie, I will tell him it is his father who will not allow it.
It really does hurt, that he doesn't choose to remember that when his own father closed the door on he and my DD, it was my DH ( who I was just dating at the time) who bought the Easter candy , and the Christmas presents, repaired our leaking roof, paid to turn on our gas , gave him a car when he needed one for college, yep, Pooh, I'm really close .
Now DS has promised me that he would never stop me from seeing my GS, but I need to get a definition of what that is. Does that mean my DH is not allowed to ever see him? I need him to clarify that. Maybe I'm going to be allowed " supervised visits" ? I just don't know.
I finally told my 82 yr old mother this story. I hadn't real she had given my son a piece of her mind when she found out he wanted to buy a Motorcycle, after he went ballistic on me because DH and I were in an accident on the way home from visiting him 2 yrs ago on ours and decided to buy another.My DH has been riding since he was 13 yrs old, Ds has never driven one. He told my mom we were irresponsible, we were stopped at a light when we were hit. My mother if furious with his behavior.

Offline Pooh

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2014, 11:20:13 AM »
I hear ya.  I was raised by a Stepfather that is my Daddy.  I have the upmost respect for Men who step in when they do not have to. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Ataloss

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2014, 06:54:08 PM »
So went to Ds on the 24th. He also invited my DD and her kids over, I guess the thought of being alone with me was a bit too much for him, or he didn't want to chance visiting DD's for the holidays and running into DH and I. His Father in Law was there when I arrived and came to the car to greet and assist me with GS gifts. I was surprised to see him, but didn't comment about it. GS ran out to greet me Dil was dressing, Ds was in the kitchen , he didn't come out, I didn't go in , stayed with GS. To make a long story short, it was a pleasant visit thanks to Dil and GS. My son was very tense. I kept my distance, and was polite answered questions when asked but stayed with grandchildren. Dil bought my DH a Christmas gift from my GS and gave it to me in front of Ds who never said a word. When we said our good buys Ds son came to me put his arm around me , I did not return the gesture. I said good buy thanked him for lunch. Went on my way.
I really decided, I will not give in to his bad behavior. I don't deserve it and neither does my DH. I will go to what I have to by myself to be with my DGS but he will understand it is because his father wants it like that and our visits will be limited but my love for him will not be limited by anything or anyone.
I think my son was surprised I was so aloof.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #11 on: December 25, 2014, 07:45:28 PM »
Each one of us has to decide. If that worked for you, that's what matters.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2014, 06:25:10 AM »
Yes, that's the good thing.  Everyone gets to decide what works.  Glad you got to see GS.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline PatiencePlease

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Re: I'm at a loss
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2015, 04:38:48 AM »
Quote
I really decided, I will not give in to his bad behavior. I don't deserve it and neither does my DH.

Ataloss you have a healthy attitude.  :)