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Daughter In Law Hates Us; Unsure of Son

Started by Merie, June 06, 2010, 09:05:38 am

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  Please forgive me for being so long winded. I will try to put my feelings into words but it is so hard when so much has happened. My son just recently married and graduated from medical school. He met and married a fellow student. She was all ways a little standoffish but I always gave her my love and have treated her as one of my own. I had hoped the little strange things that happened were accidental.
The slights that she and her family have shown us over the last year I had made excuses for all of them to myself. I was completely left out of the wedding plans. I called her mother every week to find out if I could help in anyway. My son told me that they wanted a very small wedding and that it was for them so our guest list had to be very small. Just close family. The wedding was to be for the kids friends and a close family members.
We were asked to provide an invitation list seven months ahead of time. I told my sons future mom in law that we might add a couple of more people. All I asked was to please go with the girls to look at wedding dresses.That did not happen. We were treated like we did not exist. We found out about the invitations when we got one in the mail. The only time I was asked to do anything was to show up with a check book and pay for half the flowers.
I do not have girls so I had looked forward to helping stuff envelopes and fill gift bags just anything to get together and be included. I did not want to plan just help. So many things happened that were hurtful that I just ignored.
At the wedding I was a little shocked when half the people there were from my DIL parents country club.We had 60 at the rehearsal dinner. (My sons MIL was an hour late with and did not even bother with an excuse) The wedding was only 110 guests.
  My new DIL walked outside after their vows were taken and I hugged her and welcomed her to the family. I got a complete cold shoulder.That was the only contact we had all evening.
She or her parents did not ever speak to anyone from our side of the family. Not my sons grandparents or aunts and uncles my husband or my other sons. All of the aunts and uncles left after a couple of hours very confused. Well forgive and forget and move forward.

A few weeks before the kids graduated from medical school I asked them what plans my DIL family had for grad night. My DIL said none. I went through a list of restaurants so I could make reservations she picked one.

Two weeks before graduation my DIL said that it would be to awkward to get her mom and step dad together with her dad and his girlfriend.
I called and spoke with her a week before graduation and asked her again if I could add more people to the reservation and she said no and was a little put out.
Five nights before the graduation at ten a.m. she called me and said that she had just talked to her mom and she and my son were going to their house after graduation. I was like okay lets all get together for dinner and have a great time. I explained to her that my sons aunts and uncles had already made plans to travel and have dinner with us all on Friday
. DIL said that's to bad because my step dad and my dad can not be together and to have everyone together with out asking my dad would not be fair.
I was like well you guys are all welcome we can put them at opposite ends of the table. NO she said WE are going to spend this night with my mom. Her step dad had a golf game on Thursday and her mom's friends had made plans with her on Saturday so that was the new plan. I said You are telling me that we can't celebrate graduation day with you and she said yes.
I was very upset and told her that I did not understand that we had made plans for weeks. She said oh well that's just the way it has to be. I told her that I had to go that someone was at the door and I would call her back. She told me no don't we are going to bed.
Fifteen minutes later I called my sons phone and he would not pick up. I tried again and left a message. I told him that I was upset and had had my feelings hurt over and over again and never said a word but this was going to far and that I had raised him with better manners than to not pick up the phone. I said that I just did not understand how they could leave us out of the celebration. I told him that I loved him but just didn't get it. He called me a few minutes later and said he would talk to me the next day.
He and my DIL came over and said that they can't understand why I would be upset. That my message really upset my son. He and I sat and cried. The DIL just told me that I had to have lunch with them on Thursday before graduation so we did. I invited her dad and his girl friend. I also invited her father and girlfriend and her child to my house the night of graduation. (because I felt sorry for them being left out).
The day of graduation my DILs mom insisted we all meet for lunch. We did it was odd  with such short notice but I was game for anything to spend time with the kids that day.
After lunch when we left I told my DILs stepdad and girlfriend that I would pick them up and bring them to my house. They told me that my DILs mom had invited them to her house for dinner. I started crying and almost ran away. I was so hurt. My husband said it was just one night and not to get upset. I told him that it was a start to what our future holds with our son.
We did not hear from the kids. Finally on Sunday my son called and came over by himself and told us that the graduation was for them and that he could not sleep and was so upset and that I had ruined it for them putting my needs first. He was crying and said that they had gone to counseling . I told him I was sorry but I just didn't understand how everything was my fault when I would never consider leaving DILS parents out of anything. He said he could not ask us because my DIL felt blackmailed and did not want to start our relationship giving in to me. Besides that her parents said that they were uncomfortable around us because we don't talk much. My son said that they needed time and space to heal. 
We got a letter in the mail from them setting out guidelines for our relationship. They said that they would tell us when they felt like being around us again.
Needless to say I am Crushed and lost. My child has never had to go to counseling before. They are moving out of state to start their internships tomorrow. What did I do wrong? What can I do right?


Why do you think you did something wrong? I sounds to me like you were supportive, cooperative, patient and fair. Someone has to be the bad guy, I guess. I agree that counseling is needed but not because of you. The only thing I can see that you did is that you wanted to be part of something you should have been part of. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Dear Just a Mom:

I agree that you didnt do anything wrong.   We love our kids so much that we want to be part of their lives and that sometimes translates to them that we are intruding. 

I know how you feel.  Many of us have felt just the same.    The only thing here is to move on and distanced yourself from them ""their space"".  That is what they want....let them have it.  It is painful but you dont have any other choice.  Things have a way of working out.    Give them time and space. 

I remember when my married son got married, it was a complete disaster.  My dil was cold with our side of the family.  Her mother  was the one that directed the orchestra.   Our side of the family was like the enemy and we were disrespected.  I was so angry with my son's mil for all the things she did in the reception to our family that I could have killed her.    It was a bad start.....it took more than a year for things to settle down but they did.   

Just keep yourself together.  Act with dignity and no more messages.    Your son will eventually come back to you...give them time without pushing.   

I hope the best for you.  A big hug for you.     We do not always get what we deserve.....but such is life. 
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:

Keys Girl

Dear Just A Mom, sometimes these DIL's are so easily threatened and that they want to replace us by taking our sons away from us and shut us out of their lives.  There is no point in resisting, it's a type of emotional warfare that you can't win.  You can however, go on with your life and move towards being as happy as possible. 

Don't be so quick to pick up any blame.  Whatever you did, you did with the best of intentions and that's that.  Some people are always happy to "blame-shift" away from themselves.  Yesterday is over your shoulder and you can only face tomorrow and do the best that you can with it.

Just keep your own boat afloat, and let them float theirs wherever they wish. 

I am struggling with the same type of situation although the wedding has yet to take place.  My son and future DIL won't speak to me or reply to emails.  They are looking for space and I'll give it to them, unfortunately you don't have much choice but to do the same. 

I would not take the "guidelines" in the letter sent to you too seriously and would put the letter in the bottom of a drawer and put something on top of it.
Ignore their attempts to try to dictate how you will relate to them.  These troublesome DILs always remind me of pain in the neck teenagers......always making some kind of a mess.

As the British said in 1939 "Keep calm and carry on".  Make yourself a cup of tea and enjoy the rest of your day.


"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


What did the letter say? Not the entire text, just generally.

Weddings bring out such ugliness in people. At my brother's wedding, our aunt and uncle and their family drove several hours to get there and they got there kind of early (about 45 minutes).  They were walking in to the room and the bride's father ran up the aisle and yelled at them, "YOU ARE TOO EARLY!!!" and slammed the doors to the hall in their faces! That was about the only interaction he had with my family the entire night.  In the morning at breakfast, my 86 year old grandfather went up to the bride's grandmother to say good morning. Instead of saying it back, she yelled at him (loud enough that other people at the restaurant turned around to see what the commotion was), "THIS SEAT IS SAVED FOR (the bride)!!!"  It was a weird event. One of the bridesmaids kept hitting my DH. Yes, very classy to hit on the groom's brother in-law. We just laughed about it later.