August 22, 2019, 02:21:41 pm


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I knew it would eventually come to this.

Started by Lillycache, December 12, 2014, 07:54:40 am

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Friends... I need encouragement.   I am not going to write a book..  I'm going to give you a few sentences.. It will suffice.

As some of you know, I have an adult son, age 45 that has lived with my husband and I since he got out of the military 10 years ago.   He is an alcoholic.  He can barely keep himself clean or keep up his room, or continue to hold a part time job.  Which he does.. but to buy booze.   I had to have him physically removed from my home last Sunday as he was out of control.   He currently is in a VA facility.  This is his 2nd stay at rehab this year.   I have told him he cannot return to my home..  I am petrified what will happen to him... I am sad.... I am sick to my stomach and to my heart.  Did I do the right thing?   How do I stay strong.. ??    He is begging to come home..  I just cannot have him here... but I cannot let him die in the streets..   He is a wonderful person.. sober.. but not when he is drunk..  I cannot chance it.  but I need strength.


I'm so sorry Lilly.  I know that had to be a very hard decision for you to make to have him physically removed.  I know you are petrified and don't want him living on the streets, but you have bent over backwards trying to help him.  It is true, what the old adage says about you can not make anyone get help.  They have to want help for it to succeed.  He has to do it for himself and so far, he has not shown that he is willing to work hard at it.  So, IMO, you did the right thing and are doing the right thing.

I know it's painful, but sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone you love, is to let them fail miserably.  You deserve better too.  Big hugs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


L - My heart goes out to you. I think your title to this thread says it all. I don't know what I would do in like circumstances. I have no suggestions. I just know that this road your son is on is one that he has dragged you on as well. His choice, because somewhere, deep down, there was one, is his. You have chosen, too, and you get to re-choose. You both do. You are two separate people. A mother and a child are a unit. A mother and an adult child are not...they are two people. The mother always cares...and she always loves. She is not forever indentured.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Lilly - my heart goes out to you.  I am no expert, but I believe you did the right thing.  Have you tried Al-Anon?   For families of alcoholics?   It can help you cope - detach with love - (but detach) - learn to avoid enabling the alcoholic. 

Best wishes to you. 


I'm sorry you and he are going through this. My fervent hope is that he gets the help he needs and uses it to turn things around. You've done all you can; it's up to him now. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Lilly - I'm checking in here late & hoping you are doing well.  I had a situation with my son a few years ago and sought help for myself to deal with it because I knew I couldn't help my son.  I will never ever forget crying in the counselor's office fearing that my son would end up in the streets.  I believe that was my darkest moment of parenting. 

We can't fix what our kids decide to do.  The best thing we can do as parents is to let them go and let them fail if that is the only way they will finally hit bottom and get it. 

I hope you have found happy moments in other corners of your life as you endure these difficult times.  ((hugs))


He has found his way into a shelter for homeless veterans..  run by charity..   They provide food, shelter and counseling..


Great news!!  Hang in there!  Having someone else (completely unprompted by you) tell him to straighten up and fly right might be just what he needs.  Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama