Author Topic: My daughters seem like strangers  (Read 1938 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline sybilla

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
My daughters seem like strangers
« on: December 05, 2014, 02:28:02 AM »
I am new to this site but I have been reading a lot of posts which have given me comfort knowing that there are a lot of mothers out there battling with similar problems. Mine may not be as serious but they are bothering me constantly and making me very bitter which I don't want to become.

We have two adult daughters. Both are well educated with good jobs. The younger one has three small childen. The older one has none. Lately I have the feeling that they don't give a sh......about us. That is how it feels. Weeks can pass where I don't hear anything from them. I have tried to phone the younger one but she is always busy (full time job), fetching the kids, working or having friends over (that is a very big priority in young peoples life). I can understand and accept that. A text message would be nice but not even that which means they just never think about us and it hurts. The older one is even worse. Never to be reached. I love her as a mum but she is a selvcentered woman. She has not really grown up. Basically she only contacts us if she wants some help (and we are always helping and her not really appreciating it). I know it is a hard ting to say about your children but that is the way it is. She is of course also her good sides. I could not say that we are quarelling with our children or have differences. We are just met with indifference. We don't mean anything (so it seems). We are invited to the grand childrens birthdays together with their friends whom we don't really know. That of course is something wich some grand parents are not even allowed  and after a long "trial" period my daughter now knows that the grandkids like being here with us. Both my husband and me are getting older and I start thinking about whether we would get any help at all from our daughters if needed and I get more and more disillusioned (and realistic). On top of that we live 2 hours drive from both of them. I have told my husband that we might as well face the fact that we will be all on our own and that is hard to face.

We have been good parents giving our daughters a stable home without spoiling them. Of course we have made mistakes but I can honestly say we have done our best and would have done anything for our children. Have all the old values disappeared? I have had a tough childhood with a mother not
being very nice to me but I have still respected her when she grew old because I know that bringing up seven children and little money was not easy.
There was never any question of helping or not helping. My children don't have that respect for me or my husband and it hurts.
I think parents with good relationships with their children have hit the jackpot and then you ask yourself where did it go wrong. But of course there is no point.

I have come to the conclusion (reading all the good advice given on this forum) that I have to treat them like any other adult (not like my children).
With politeness and no expectations, thinking of myself first but if somebody has some more advice of how to deal with it, it would be very welcome.

I live in Scandinavia and at this time of the year it gets light at 9 a.m. and dark at 3 a.m. So it is the season for gloomy thoughts.
Thanks for listening
Sybilla

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2014, 09:44:33 PM »
Welcome, Sybilla. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink highlighted items under the topic "Open Me First." We ask this of all new members to make sure everyone understands site policies.

Please keep reading and posting. You are not alone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Diamond33

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2014, 07:08:13 PM »
Sybilla -I feel your pain and you are not alone.  Please, realize that this generation of kids are so disrespectful and lack the appreciation of yester-kids.  Things, money, and accommodation is what it is all about with this generation.  Some but not many will make the needed sacrifice to continue to love and care for their parents.  I feel, so bad just telling you this because it is a hard pill to swallow.  I am basically non-existent to my children.  No calls, no texting - just awful.  When I think of all of the struggles and heart ache and love I gave - it cut deep.  I am current seeking professional help as all of this "EMOTIONAL ABUSE'  has taken it toll on me - I suffer with severe anxiety attacks.  I have tried for so many years to make amends with my daughter - she has poison so many people minds against me and those that do not support her - she withdraw.  I feel, you need to be realistic with your situation and plan accordingly.  It may heart but wishing will not help you when you need support.  I don't know what to say - it is not just the kids but people today just do not care the way they use to in the past.  I took care of both of my parents and can say so with pride - I loved my mom and dad and care for both - I bathe them, changed their adult pampers and kissed them good-night.  I miss them so much and do not regret loving them till their last days.  My parents had 6 kids and only 2 of us cared for them. The others - felt indifference and wanted to have the state care for them.  I refused to do that - I became financially bankrupt and emotionally and physically drained but I do not regret it at all - they were my parents and I loved them!!!!     Keep praying for some sort of support during this time period in your life - you are not alone. 

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2014, 06:42:00 AM »
Welcome Diamond33.  When you get a moment, please take a moment to read the posts under "Open Me First" for the forum rules and such.   We ask all new members to do so.

I do think that each generation changes in their mindsets due to technology, politics, etc. but we try very hard here not to generalize people.  We don't group people here into categories, because frankly, there are good and bad in every generation, every title and people in general.  I'm not disagreeing with you, we have just learned from past posts that this type of generalization hurts those that fall into those generalizations but are not that way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 168
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2014, 08:47:40 AM »
I agree with you, Pooh, and my thirty-something DS is a shining example.
Actually, he's a breath of fresh air.

He is now living with the values we passed on to him, such as respect, kindness, thankfulness, works hard, loves his DW and little one, and I'm proud of him.

Now--if his sister would follow suit.
But that's a different story ...

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2014, 09:00:29 AM »
I agree w/Pooh & Shiny; I don't think we can peg disrespect on any one group. My DF, part of the 'Greatest Generation,' has been a self-centered narcissist his whole life, and his DW (my SM) is as well (they both treated their mothers horribly, and haven't been very nice to me, my sib, or our families.) However, I work with young people who are kind and considerate, who didn't drink the 'Greed is Good' kool-aid, and I have friends whose AC are lovingly involved in their FsOO. Go figure!

That said, I agree that it's awful to be left out and alone by people you always treated with love and care.
Often scary, very painful and always heartbreakingly sad. It's time to treat ourselves with love and care, too. Sometimes that's the biggest hurdle, but it is so important.

I've experienced this from both ends - from my parents and my AC. It's been difficult to believe I deserved anything good! I'm grateful for my DH, my good friends, and all the WW here.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline PatiencePlease

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 122
    • View Profile
Re: My daughters seem like strangers
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2015, 04:35:44 AM »
I find that my relationships with my adult children are still evolving.  When my daughter graduated college she never moved home.  She remained out of state.  I rarely heard from her.  I chalked it up to "no news is good news" (she wasn't asking me for any money) and let her be.  Over the years I saw a gradual change.  Right now she calls about once a week and chats at length about what's going on.  She's been married a year and now she's pregnant.  I thought I would hear from her more often now that she's pregnant but I don't and that's okay.  I'm keeping my expectations low.  She knows I'm here (well, long distance, by phone) if she needs me.

I do think that technology has impacted relationships via communication.  Although text messages leave a lot to be desired, it is a way of maintaining some connection with family.  I have a niece who lives on the other side of the country and we text everyday.  I actually communicate with her more than my own kids.