Author Topic: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS  (Read 2807 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« on: December 04, 2014, 12:14:40 PM »
My DS and DIL have invited me and DH to visit for 10 days on New Years.  We are in diff states.  DH has declined as he is not sure he wants to spend time in their hometown.  He is still unhappy about how my son/ DIL treated us with disrespect when we lived close to each other.

I am so looking forward to the 4 GCs.  They are the only reason for my visit.  So far, the plan is for me to stay overnight in their home.  i am ready to leave early or stay at a hotel if need be.  I really do not know what to expect so will expect NOTHING.

Wish me luck and the use of all the wisdom learned here from you fine ladies.  One day at a time! 

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8869
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2014, 03:04:55 PM »
Amazing. For me, shorter would be better but you know what you can do. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2014, 12:17:20 PM »
I kno, Luise:)  Shorter would be best but airfare dictated.  i already have an out if I need one.  I will rent a car, stay at a hotel and sight see to spend time if things are not healthy between me and the adults. Granny travels with AMEX, baby! The weather here in WA is a bit cold and wet so sunny 74 degrees sounds lovely:)  My 2 older GSs were on the phone with me after their mom told them I was visiting and they are so excited and happy to the point of squeeling.  I hafta admit, i am excited too but am stiffling my squeel. Cautionary Optimism?

It may get to the point that the children tell their parents that they just like to have me around?!  Who could say no to these beautiful cherry cheeked kids?  But i will continue to take one day, one interaction at a time.  I will treat the visit as my last as we all know it could be when others hold the cards.

Hugs!

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8869
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2014, 12:40:40 PM »
I'm so proud of you, FL. I will hold the fort for you here in WA while you are gone. Sending more hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Didi.lost

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 238
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2014, 10:15:46 AM »
I am so happy for you FL
We wish you the BEST VISIT

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 05:55:11 AM »
Very happy for you FL!  But Lordy Woman, you have more fortitude than I do.  10 days in their home after two years?  I'm glad you have a back-up plan in place and I truly hope everything goes splendidly.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 419
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 03:09:59 PM »
FL, please spend some time before you go envisioning the very best trip you can think of.  When you go hunt for everything you can find that matches up to that vision.  The more time we spend taking note of the things that go right the less time we have to mull over the things that go wrong.  If you have to you can even go to your hotel and marvel at the soft bed or wonderful TV.  I guess what I am trying to say is that if you can radiate appreciation it will improve everyone's visit.

Happy Trails!! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8869
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2014, 03:31:28 PM »
FL - As you know, I have no problem at all with my youngest son...our Worthy Webmaster. However, I just want to add that when they lived in Hawaii, I did not stay with them one day...much less ten! I got a nice place...borrowed their second car and had a great time on top of visiting with them. Just saying...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lucy P

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 22
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2014, 06:06:23 AM »
Hi FL ---  In this situation, I personally could not stay in their home for 10 days.  I would make the backup plan THE plan - stay in a hotel, rent a car.  After two years, it would be difficult for me to act like the rift between us was only a bad dream.  But while visiting, I would try to be cordial and pleasant toward the adults, and focus my attention on the GCs.   I just think that spending too much time together, tensions could lead to an odd look or a testy comment from DS or DIL.  At that point - I would want to run for the hills. During the holidays it will be difficult if not impossible to find lodging on the spur of the moment.  I definitely would reserve a room in a nearby hotel, and not have to "burden" the adults in any way.   LP

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2014, 08:15:42 AM »
Thanks for your concerns. I did a poor job in explaining the current status of our our relationship.  While I have not seen my son, we have talked many times over the phone since the beginning of this year.  I get texts and pictures multiple times a week. The children Skype me and bicker over who gets to have center stage.

My DIL and DS act like our prior estrangement is all water under the bridge and I am following their lead.  I am forever guarded but open.

They have invited DH and me to their state many times this year but we wanted to wait for better weather and a time when her family was not also visiting. My DIL did visit me with the kids for a couple of hours before DH and I left Atlanta.  This was the first time I met my only GD and saw my dear GSs. She and I talk at least once a week now and sometime more. 

The 4 year old was diagnosed with mild Autism and requires a lot of attention and healthcare visits.  They want me there at their home to spend time with the kids and allow my DIL to attend the development sessions without the rest of the brood in tow. Ages 8, 5, 4 and 2.  She has all the dental checkups scheduled too.

My son has worked very hard to educate himself and build a career.  They have few money woes and that is very comforting to know. They have a big home and a casita (detached room/office) that is the guest room I will sleep in and retreat to if needed. 

Children have always been a joy to me....when they mostly behave that is:) and they know it.  I love to play and educate with silly songs, puppet shows, arts and crafts, science experiments, baking, critter safaris, rock collecting, kite creation and flying, sports, yes I am an outdoor tomboy and very creative.  My DH says I am the artist and he is the engineer. I just look forward to being on the floor with them climbing all over me;) but gently as to not mess up my hair!  LOL!!

Another option would be to change my flight for an earlier departure but I will have NO EXPECTATIONS.  I remain, cautiously optimistic.

Please keep your comments and questions coming?  I need to be prepared and see the big picture.  You ladies keep me honest with myself!

thanks so much!!

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2014, 09:11:39 AM »
FL, I'm sending good wishes your way. Have a wonderful visit! You've got this.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline blessedmom

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2014, 09:49:58 AM »
I hope you have a wonderful visit. Hug on your grands all u can..

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2014, 07:26:51 AM »
update:

I spoke to my DIL yesterday and point blank asked her if she thought it better I stay in a hotel for all or some of the nites there.  I told her that some friends siad the long stay could be a troublesome burden. I told her that I did not want to add to her heavy load and NOT to fuss over getting anyting "just right" for me.  I live in and tolerate clutter well!  She laughted and said, she knows and "What good will u do at a hotel, i need you here!"   I think SHE would like to hide out at the hotel! LOL!  The kids run her crazy!

So we shall see for sure and I will keep you informed as I test these new waters?! 

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2014, 08:02:40 AM »
 :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
Re: update:) VISIT TO DS HOME AFT TWO YEARS
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2015, 08:43:10 AM »
Dear WWU Friends,

I just returned after the 10 days with my 4 GKs and the visit was excellent! 

Good omen when the airlines bumped me to 1st class on both legs of the trip:)

I went into it w/o expectations, made not ONE suggestion, and completely followed their lead on everything regarding houshold norms and children management.  I so went with the flow and was glad that they did not ask for anything more than my time and love :D

Things have changed a lot since I was a FT mommy and their kids seem to be doing great!

After 3 days there, my DIL got called away for the early birth of her sister's 1st child. My son and I were on duty to cover for her absence. So glad he took vacation because we really needed each other!  No wonder she is so thin!  Whew!  Hard work but so much love and fun too!   

When my son and I had a quiet moment, I told him how proud I am at his skills as a huband and daddy, especially w/o a direct example as he was an only child with a very absent father and a home life that did not include any kind of marriage example.  He smiled and said, not true. You were the best mom and dad anyone could have had and I know you loved me and put me first by doing your best.  He then gave me a bear hug <3  I did not bring up the letter nor the break and will never talk of it with him unless he wants to bring it up.  Water under the bridge that has long since passed.

That old tension between us is simply gone, as if it never existed and we were able to be relaxed and have fun again, like we did so long ago. DIL got along very well too.  She is very smart and knows a lot so she needs no help from me in making the best decisions for her children.

When the cut off happened, there were things going on with them that I was not aware.  She was pregnant and in the beginning of her 3rd trimester with my 4th GC, the 1st girl. The other children were 6, 3 and 2. He was in the midst of a huge career move, a relocation to a new area, far from anything common to them, my 3rd grandson (age2 at the time) was diagnosed with Autism and then Ds's father died.

I may have taken the hit for everything wrong in his life at this critical tme and he simply did not have room for any other noise.  Even from me and even tho all I wanted was to be included and help.

My favorite part of being a grandma is being able to love them up but not having any reponsibility in their upbringing.  DIL has had issues with one of them getting dehidrated so she alows them to drrink what ev she can get them to.  The 8 year old has developed a preference for just plain water so maybe the others will too?  WHio knows and who cares?  Thjeir teeth look beautiful and I am not on the hook for dental care:)  Sounds good to me, here ya go sweetie:)

I know 10 days was a long visit but the time flew by and as it turned out, it was a very good thing because of her unexpected travel.  My goal was to continue to rebuild our new relationship, adult to adult and to bond with the granchildren.  It's like I was never gone! Even the small ones who don't remeber me from their earlier days, warmed u to me right away.  The fact that my son and I look and speak alike helps!  They seemed to know I was family.

Happiness is rolling around on the floor with 4 tickle monsters!

Mission accomplished!