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She loves me, she loves me not....

Started by Bewildered, December 03, 2014, 03:21:42 pm

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Please excuse me if my post reproduces something someone else has already posted; sharing my situation is cathartic for me and maybe will help someone else.

My 27 year old daughter can't seem to decide if she loves me or hates me.  In July of this year she phoned my husband and my younger daughter to report to them how horribly I treated her when she was living at home.  Later she recanted, saying she was just under a lot of stress and she didn't mean it.  In October she got the flu and couldn't shake it for weeks so she asked me to come to her (several states over) and help her.  I flew out right away and cleaned and did laundry and shopped for groceries and took her and her husband to dinner several times.  We seemed to get along fine.  Then just before Thanksgiving, when her Dad asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she replied that she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with us, wanted out of the will, etc., because he didn't believe her when she told him I abused her (emotionally) as a child. 
This particular daughter does have emotional problems and is on medication and in therapy and I think she may be getting bad advice from her therapist.  Yes, my relationship with her was tumultuous when she was a teen, but there was NEVER any abuse and to be accused of specific mean things I said to her that simply never happened has been like a punch to the stomach. 

My son was also difficult to deal with during his teen years, but he is not ready to disown us.  My other daughter was not difficult to deal with so there are no problems there. 

Basically I am hurt and am tired of being jerked around, never knowing what might set her off again.  I've responded by withdrawing completely; no facebook, no phone calls, no nothing.  She will come for Christmas but stay with her Grandma (though her plane ticket was paid for by her Dad!)  She asks us to "respect her boundaries" which is Therapist-speak and makes no sense; ALL our conflict happened almost a decade ago. 

Signed, Bewildered


Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, read the four posts placed there for you. Pleas pay special attention to the Forum Agreement, we're a monitored Website.

What worked for me, finally, was to stop trying to make sense of the senseless and turn toward what was working in my life. I couldn't change I changed what I could, which was my badly damaged self-respect. Once I got that I deserved better, I started giving it to myself and my healing began. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you, and thank you and your helpers for this website.  It is soothing to know that though my situation may not match anyone else's, my feelings do match.


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome B.  I think you are doing what's best.  I use to say all the time, "You can't go on the roller coaster unless you choose a seat."

You're definitely not alone.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


"Bewildered" can also described my situation with my DD and I have the same complaint--the therapist/counselors have been very little help, if not detrimental to our relationship.  They only reinforce or give DD more reasons to distance herself from us.  They only hear and understand DD's world--whether or not it is reality--the truth or not--they go along with whatever she says.  Family counseling is only reserved for minor children, and even this is limited for only the parent in control of the minor children.  Treating family members who have mental disorders or emotional problems should include the whole family, therapists should encourage this with their adult patients, but unfortunately they don't, and help to worsen the situation.    DD won't allow us to buy presents for the GDs.  In her mind, I assume, DD thinks we are trying to bribe them to love us instead of her...this is how insecure and paranoid she is.  We have never given her any reason to think or feel this way, most likely her therapist or new husband put this in her head as we were able to give them gifts before DD's divorce.    My DH and I have focused on our relationship and choose to travel with the money we can't spend on DD's family.  We currently had a wonderful 40th anniversary trip to the French Polynesia islands turing a negative situation into a positive one. 


Welcome, S. And how wonderful that you have turned something so harsh into a chance to travel with your DH. Good for you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama