Author Topic: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway  (Read 2094 times)

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Offline Lucy P

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Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« on: December 01, 2014, 06:06:02 PM »
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I survived it by not allowing disappointing expectations to get in the way and ruin it.  Being divorced, I have lived alone with my 3 cats in my own little house for nearly nine years - it's all mine and I love it.  I have a few good friends, not many.  All of those friends are women I've worked with over the years and we've kept in touch after we went our separate ways with retirement, etc.  They are all married with families.  So I'm the odd duck in the group.  And I'm ok with that.  I don't date anyone and I rarely get lonely anymore, I'm actually comfortable in my solitude.  I've responded in the past to posts here, and so a few of you might recall that my 2 adult daughters have black listed me - the youngest one for 4 years now, and the oldest for 8 months this second time around. 

Something in my attitude changed this past week.

My 2 adult daughters did not acknowledge or contact me at all in the days leading up to the Thanksgiving holiday.  I did NOT expect them to contact me; in fact, I'm glad they didn't call me and invite me over for dinner or inquire what I would be doing.  It would have been the same old song and dance as the years before.  Scenario: I would make an effort to wear a clean pair of jeans and a nice sweater and scarf.  I would make an effort to arrive on time with a dish to pass, or at least phone on the way if something unexpected would delay me.  I would make an effort to smile and be pleasant, and offer to help in the kitchen.  And I would make an effort to not engage in a discussion with my AD that typically develops into intense bickering.  Even though I would arrive and find my ADs apartment looking like it had been turned upside down, and her dressed in last week's dirty sweatpants and a tshirt, no makeup, hair a snarly mass - I would keep my comments to myself.  Dinner would be delayed an hour or more because she stayed up too late the night before and then slept in.  After a 4 or 5 hour visit with her, she would ask if we can to get together again the next day and just "hang out" - an invitation that I would decline.  My stomach would be tied up in knots on my drive home, and for several days afterward.  Those are now my expectations in dealing with her - based on fact and what has occurred before.  Odds are that my daughter will not change.  Some people would consider this negative thinking, but to me its realistic.  This is my reality, I'm done fooling myself into believing that she will mature some day, and that I will finally see the kind of daughter I thought I raised. 

Christmas and New Years are fast approaching, and I have something to look forward to.  Last week I joined an online dating site (I thought I never would) and I feel like I'm in high school again.  I've made a few new friends who live within 30 minutes of me.  I'm excited about life again.  I'm doing what I want without feeling guilt or remorse.  I'll be 65 in February but I feel like I've shed 10 years! I've crawled out of the rut, and I have something positive to look forward to.  Anticipation, not expectation.  There's a real difference! :D 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2014, 06:27:57 PM »
Whew...! Progress!  :D

Be careful online...my sort of daughter, 69, met liar after liar out there on a Dating Website for people supposedly interested in the environment like she is.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline shiny

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2014, 06:40:38 PM »
It's good to hear of your positive progress!
That's huge to recognize the issue for what it is and then let it go ...

A red flag came to mind when you mentioned the on-line dating site.
That could lead to a really bad situation if you're not careful.

Offline Lucy P

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2014, 07:14:11 PM »
Hi Shiny and Luise ----  thanks for sharing your concerns about the online dating site.  I haven't revealed my full name or any other identifying facts that someone could use to track me down, and I have not yet actually met anyone in-person or had a date.  So I'm being very cautious, and  letting my intuition "do the driving".  I bought a membership for just one month -  doubtful that I'll be renewing.  It's been a learning experience, for sure.  At least it's entertaining, and for the most part I'm finding out that being single isn't all that bad - there's a lot of bad apples out there!   :o

Offline Pen

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2014, 08:46:24 PM »
And that's how it's done...good for you!!

I too let go of expectations this Thanksgiving & had a great time. I even forgot to contact DS/DIL a week before to see if they were planning to join us. In years past I would have been worried about them spending the whole day w/DIL's FOO before heading our way, concerned about our dinner time being usurped by DIL's FOO's preference, etc. This year I was surprised to find that it slipped my mind completely! DS finally called to ask if they could bring anything. I'm very glad they came, but we would have had a nice day either way.

It's a relief to finally be free of some of that stuff.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2014, 09:15:45 PM »
Beautiful, Pen!  :)

L. Regarding the online dating thing...my sort of daughter heard from a guy who gave her his Website for authentication. He was a successful contractor and his picture was there, too. Long story...turned out that the person interacting with her, whose name she never discovered, had stolen the contractor's identity and joined using his name. It's very, very dangerous.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2014, 03:23:49 AM »
Lucy,
On line dating, like every other aspect of dating can be scary, but it gets some really bad press also.  Just to balance things out my sister found her DH of about 15 years on line and she is the happiest she has ever been!  I also have a dear friend who is 69 and is involved with this wonderful woman he found through a dating site.  They are so great together and I have seen how they have brightened each others lives since they met about 5 years ago.  Neither is interested in marriage, but companionship is such a comfort.

Sort through the mixed bag of frogs carefully and I am sure you can find a prince!  Happy hunting!

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline jdtm

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2014, 05:54:12 AM »
A dear friend of mine (he was in his late 70's) met a woman on-line and married her two months later.  Boy, were we concerned. I said "how did you know that it would work?" (and she is a wonderful woman, by the way).   He said "I asked her what she did during the day and during the evening and during week-ends" - you learn a lot about people by their daily lives and actions.  Does she go to church?  Is she involved in community activities?  Is she concerned about others?  Does she volunteer?  Does she have a family and/or friends?  Is she intelligent (writing really helps here)?  Were there inconsistencies in her answers?  Were her interests similar to my interests?  In other words, "did she have a life or just a computer?".

So, it can work out - but they did meet for coffee a few times in a town in which neither lived - just in case.  Just be careful ... but, it can work out ...

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2014, 08:17:55 AM »
I echo some of the other's thoughts.  Yes, it can be dangerous.  People are devious.  But I also have two friends that have had great success with it.  They are extremely careful.  They only meet in very public places and always drive their own vehicles.  They never give out their real address or personal info, and try to communicate for awhile with whoever they are thinking about meeting to see if they pick up on anything first.  They have both found some very strange individuals and have both found some very nice people.  One told me when I asked her if she was concerned about weirdo's, "Well sure.  But it's no different than some of the other people I have met via friends or at work. There have been some real doozies there too."

So just be very careful and have a lot of fun with it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2014, 02:40:17 AM »
Good for you Lucy!  Enjoy...  I agree be careful and use common sense.. but don't let the neysayers of online dating scare you off.   I met my wonderful husband on Match.com...  He is the best person I have ever met in my life.. We have been married 11 years and I have no regrets.. 

Offline Lucy P

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2014, 07:40:41 AM »
Thanks to all for your concern about online dating, and your valued advice!   :-*  I joined OurTime.com and they sync their Match.com members to the prospect pool.  I think, perhaps, I saw the same "contractor" that one of you mentioned.  He had sent me a "flirt", and favored one of my photos, and his messages were the default blurbs that the site sets up.  He was also out of state.  His profile was over the top - everything a woman could want in a man - and he was very attractive for an older man.  What set my alarm off were his photos - the type that a photo studio would produce. Also, in his profile he said that his subscription would be running out within the week, and could he have an alternate mode of contact - like personal email, phone, etc - OFFSITE.  So I ignored all the messages.  Within a day, his profile disappeared from the site.  Another one popped up a few days later, different guy, same type of photo, out of state, and his profile was exactly the same as the first guy - word for word.  Yep, so there are a lot of scams and toads out there.  I'm being careful, and have been chatting/messaging with a couple of guys through the site, and I plan to keep it that way for awhile before I agree to a "meet and greet" - in a very public place and a good distance from my community.  I'm in no hurry to hook up with anyone.  Been married twice, and don't have any desire to go there again.  Been divorced now for almost 9 years, and I'm not really lonely. 
I've also been wanting to ask - as I mentioned, I live alone and have a brother who lives out of state (a 4.5 hour flight).  I've been thinking about having a will drawn up, and have had thoughts about removing my daughters as beneficiaries.  I don't have a lot to leave behind, but what I do have I really don't want to leave it to them.  Maybe this is another separate topic.  But I'm just curious how you have handled this in your situations.
I love this site Luise!  ;D  So glad you made it available to us!    LP

Offline jdtm

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2014, 08:01:29 AM »
Quote
I've been thinking about having a will drawn up, and have had thoughts about removing my daughters as beneficiaries.  I don't have a lot to leave behind, but what I do have I really don't want to leave it to them.

This happened in our family (mother-in-law to be precise).  She did not want to leave anything to her daughters and wanted to leave everything (not much, I might add) to her son, my husband.  But that would leave a bitter taste in the mouths of her daughter's families.  So, she decided to "jump" her children and she willed everything to her grandchildren - divided evenly.  It still caused problems but whenever one of the daughters would complain to "someone", the comment usually was "it sounds fair to me".  And she was a very kind and fair person.  And that is the legacy she has left.

Offline Lucy P

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2014, 08:21:29 AM »
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she willed everything to her grandchildren
Thanks jdtm.  I have one granddaughter, who is my oldest daughter's child.  She is 17.  She hasn't attempted to contact me in the past 8 months that her mother and I have stopped communicating.  I have thought about willing everything to her - but only if I was certain her mother wouldn't try to claim she has rights to some or all of it as her own.  So because of that, my thoughts then head to my brother (he's 9 years younger than me).   He has struggled to get by financially in the last 5 years or so, having to quit his job/sell his business to care for our parents, now deceased.  He has a 1 year old granddaughter - who I hope to meet next summer (I'm planning on flying out there to visit).  So I suppose I could have the will alternate to her if my brother passes on before I do.  Guess I should bite the bullet and contact an attorney about this, since it could be complicated.     :-\

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2014, 10:55:44 AM »
One more word (hopefully) from this naysayer. My eldest son met his wonderful wife via online dating and my sort of daughter's best friend did also. There are many true stories about successes. I just want to point out that many of those date back to when it all started. It took the con-artists and the predators and the losers a while to find fertile fields there.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline jdtm

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Re: Things are finally turning around - for me, anyway
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2014, 12:21:21 PM »
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I have thought about willing everything to her - but only if I was certain her mother wouldn't try to claim she has rights to some or all of it as her own. 

This also was a concern of my mother-in-law.  However, she had an excellent lawyer.  Her lawyer had her write a letter (in her own handwriting and her own words) and state why the will was changed.  This letter was attached to the will in the lawyer's office and if there was an issue (previous beneficiaries might try to contest the will), then the lawyer would show the letter to the unhappy previous beneficiary.  Yes, it did happen; but the letter was legal, my mother-in-law was competent, and the change in the will was not fraud/coercion.  Frankly, this letter saved us a lot of suffering and/or legal hassles.