Author Topic: Don't know what happened  (Read 994 times)

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Offline jlaree

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Don't know what happened
« on: November 25, 2014, 07:00:47 PM »
Hi, I am new to this but I need help. I have one son, DIL and 2 grandchildren. My granddaughter is my son's and another woman. I have always helped my son and his wife, I supported them for 2 years, I pay for just about everything they need. I lived just a few houses down and one day I decided to sell my house, it was just too big, I want to retire soon so it was time for me to downgrade. I purchased a home about 10 minutes away from my son's home but as soon as I decided to move they started treating me badly. They wouldn't help me move, they didn't even come to see the new home I purchase and have only been here one time. Now they won't talk to me because I had my granddaughter stay at my house. They have stopped talking to me and have been very rude. I am very hurt because I live alone and have spent the last 8 years doing all I could to make their life better. I just can't seem to get over it. This is my only son and it hurts badly. What do I do. How do I move on. I just never thought I could be so dismissed.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Don't know what happened
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 08:20:41 PM »
Welcome, J. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I'm sorry you are going though such a loss. I wonder if for some reason your DS and DIL think you abandoned them in some way when you moved? What was said when you shared your plans and when they refused to help you move? Did they assume you would stay close and continue to partially support them? Whatever their experience is, their change in attitude has to make sense to them for some reason. You may not find out what it is...or perhaps you know already and it's not included in your first post. Whatever is going on, all of you seem to be having a difficult time. I don't follow your reference about having your granddaughter stay at your place. Without their OK? If you can share more with us, it may help clear up these points.

Writing about what is going on is often hard. We all have complicated histories and it's often not clear what to share and what to pass on when entering a Web community. I know I could write a full sized novel and no one has the time to read all of that, for sure. I hope you post again. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline jlaree

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Re: Don't know what happened
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2014, 10:10:45 PM »
I had my granddaughter because her mother called and asked me if I would like her to stay with me for a few days.  My son and his wife feel I should ask their permission even though she doesn't live with them.  I don't understand it and really it doesn't make sense to me at all. When I sold my house I talked to my son about it and he said that if it was what I wanted then I should do it. But something changed, my daughter-in-law told me my choice to move 10 minutes away was inconvenient for them.  When I moved I think they thought I should ask for their help and I felt they should just want to help me so it was just a stalemate.  But regardless, I just feel it  disappointing that when I need them they didn't help.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Don't know what happened
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2014, 11:08:39 PM »
Thanks, J. I wonder if you may be tripping over what took me down...expectations. I have learned here that we create them and no one is obligated to fulfill them. And, at the same time, we are not obligated to fulfill the expectations of others. In my own issues with my eldest son, it's what did us in. It sounds to me like you may have made a move that made sense to you, thereby doing the unforgivable by inconveniencing your son and DlL and in the process you also expected them to respond to that in an adult and helpful way. They may have expected you to continue to indulge them and not expect anything in return.

This reflects my own experience, of course, and may be way off. Others here may offer different perspectives. Hang in there!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline jdtm

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Re: Don't know what happened
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2014, 05:15:05 AM »
I agree with Luise.  Your DIL reminds me of our ex-DIL.  She was  so self-centered (and probably void of any semblance of empathy) that she truly believed I was placed on this earth "to serve".  Not just her but others as well.  And, because I am a "people pleaser" (becoming less and less as I age in wisdom, partially thanks to this site), I am sure that I helped in her belief.  So, my wishes (which now I admit that I did not say) were kept private.  I tend not to do that as much any more.  This "expectations" scenario is a very difficult concept to get - especially our "spoiled/entitled" adult children.  I hope through time that you again will have your son and grandchildren in your life. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Don't know what happened
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2014, 11:23:00 PM »
Welcome, J. I'm glad you found us!

Your situation is unfair and unnecessary, like most of ours...but we can only change our reactions to other people's hurtful and rude behavior. We cannot change what others do.

You have been a loving, giving, & accommodating parent and grandparent. Anyone would expect to be treated the  same in return. Unfortunately, that sometimes isn't the case. Perhaps when you are happy and busy with your own activities your DS and DIL will respect you for being an individual instead of someone who lives only to take care of their needs. But, they may never become less selfish...it's up to them.

In the meantime, you will have created a fabulous new life for yourself, filled with positive, fun new people and lots of opportunities for learning and growth. Please keep reading and posting!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb