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DIL refusing to let me see my GSs

Started by momofthreesons, November 11, 2014, 12:26:14 pm

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For the past 4 years I was actively involved in my DS and DIL lives.  I watched my 4y/o gs for 2-1/2 years 4 days a week 10-12 hrs. a day for free while they worked.  I had left my family owned business to help them.  I was asked to babysit again this year so my DIL who had my 2nd gs and left her job,  could attend college 2 days a week.  This time we talked and I said I would come to their house to help them as it would be easier on her,  however I wanted $20. day to watch the boys for gas money.   They agreed.  I only got about 1/3 paid and my DS said it was tight for them.  I waited patiently for them to catch up and they never did.  My DIL and I are not very close.  I sense a have to put up with you attitude from her, however I have always been kind and loving to her nonetheless which she accepted.  About 3 weeks ago my DS and I had a birthday dinner where her FOO and DS family were invited.  When I arrived I was placed about 15 seats from my son and his family was all around him celebrating.  We, DS family were basically ignored.  I was very upset however DIL got mad at me for being upset and has not talked to me since.  The last time I watched my gss, the older one said that his mother said she hates me and is never going over my house again.  I comforted him and said it would be ok.  I had a talk with my son he said they argued and that my gs was crying that he wanted to go to my house and she said that to him and he told me they were working on not saying things like that to him.

On Halloween, I had a gathering instead of trick or treat and they all came.  She sat with the baby in a car seat, never talking to me or anyone for that matter.  When I went to see my youngest gs she abruptly covered him with a blanket and would not let me near him.  I was so hurt but did not want to make a seen in front of my guests.  I never heard from them since that night even after they new I had fallen down steps and twisted my ankle and pulled my right hip out.  On Tuesday I was to watch the boys and decided that I was tired of being used and disrespected so I did not show up.  My son called and asked if I was coming to babysit, was I hurt or something and I said I was but I would not be over as I was tired of the money issue, the disrespect from my DIL and the feeling of being used.  He hung the phone up on me.

My DIL posted on f/b " A big thank you to my so called "mother in-law" for NOT watching the kids this morning and trying to screw me over. Haha it didn't work and If anyone sees her tell her "have a nice life" from me and my family!????  Everyone in her family thought this was great of her as she should not have been treated that way.  My friends on the other hand said she was disrespectful and should just hire a babysitter and grow up.  Needless to say it got ugly so very ugly in other posts that she told me she wanted me dead. 

All of this for not watching the boys. My son has apparently sided with her trying to make it equal in saying that we are both wrong and should give it some time to settle down.   Yes I handled it wrong however she is being extreme to a fault.  To date I am not allowed to see my gss and it is killing me since I have spent so much time with them.  My son is now contacting his brothers to see which side they are on and they are not on either.  I am at a complete loss as to what to do next.  I am thinking of waiting a week and calling him if I have not heard from him and telling him I want to see my gss.  Any thoughts?

Thanks for letting me tell my story.  I have read through hear for a while and see a lot of good advise.


QuoteI am at a complete loss as to what to do next.  I am thinking of waiting a week and calling him if I have not heard from him and telling him I want to see my gss

I am so sorry for what has happened to you.  You are right - there was blame on both sides.  And, "giving it time to settle down" is a wise idea.  Unfortunately, when it comes to seeing your grandchildren, you don't get a vote. 

I understand totally.  Years ago, when I said "no" to babysitting our grandchildren (this was the only time I did not re-arrange my schedule to accommodate them), our DIL chose not speak to me for years (and our son took her side).  Five years later, she left our son and abandoned her children.  But, I digress....  My point - some people are just self-centered and ungrateful.  One week is probably far, far too soon to contact them and I believe doing so could damage any relationship you have left with your son. 

I really don't think you can make this better.  Perhaps your husband could talk to your son.  But, and I really hate to say this, if your DIL is similar to my now ex-DIL, it will never be "good" again.  Hopefully, they will need free babysitting and your son will contact you - that's how I got to see our grandchildren even though their mother removed herself from our lives.  I would wait until your son contacts you or your husband.  I realize it could be a very long time, but the call is theirs to make.  As for the upcoming holidays, be prepared not to see them.  I know how badly it hurts.  So sorry ....


Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My guess is that the door is closed because you closed it by not showing up when they were depending on you. It doesn't seem to matter, at least in my own situation, if I messed up once and they messed up 100 times. My once was the determining factor. I hope that's no true for you but I agree with J that the best thing to do is nothing. We deserve better and sometimes we just can't take it any longer...which means it went on way too long! Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I agree with the others.  I'm afraid between what has happened and the ugliness on facebook, that door is slammed.  You don't get a vote.  You made your decision by not showing up and they are making theirs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Sending you huge ((((hugs)))).  How sad that this has taken place.  Facebook can connect us with others far away and be a good and positive thing but once in awhile it is used for toxic purposes. 

Distance the toxicity.  Protect your loving heart.  Keep healthy boundaries and live your life. 


So sorry to hear you are going through this (((hugs.)))

You will find comfort and support here. I agree with the WW who have already responded. Please take care of yourself and keep reading and posting.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Hello, I'm new. What a wonderful site to have stumbled upon! I've read through several posts/replies before I joined and I'm impressed by the kindness I have seen here! Thank you for allowing me to join. I hope it's ok to jump in?
OP, How sad it is you are going thru this. I know how it feels missing your GC. I agree with others who say it will not be easy to get back to where things are good if at all. I'm sure that isn't what your heart wants to hear.
Many times I've allowed myself to be used for the reason of being close to what mattered. Its a hard pill to swallow and isn't right but I do what I have to. In your shoes I'd say "I'm sorry and just take the blame and maybe she will let you back in the door? You gave her what she wanted. Something to use against you.


Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website. We don't give advice her so much as we  share our experience and offer understanding.

We are all so different. Some of us never give up and others of us have found peace in doing so. It's an individual choice, of course. I finally come to place where who I was becoming by accepting abuse was destroying my self respect. At that point I turned a corner. Not overnight. Not easily...but I now can look myself in the mirror and not see a piece of junk, because my eldest son did. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thank you Luise,
I did read homepage "open me first" and I agree we all have to find what works for us.  With our oldest DIL it worked for me but there are no two alike. Thank you for pointing that out for me. I meant no disrespect.


B - You are doing beautifully and our welcome is sincere. :) When you're ready, claim your own thread and tell us more about what brought you here.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi everyone thank you so much for all your input it is wonderful and so kind.   I can give everyone an update.  As the argument progressed my DIL keeps posting on F/B which I can't see because she defriended me.  People are calling me and telling me what she is saying so I am kept abreast of her antics.  It is so childish what she is doing and very horrible to my gs.  I still talk with  my DS and he is talking like nothing is wrong.  When I say I want to see the gss he says it is not good.  He said they are telling my gs that I am too busy to see him.  This breaks my heart so much.  They don't realize the damage they are doing to him with all of these lies and I can't seem to make DS see the harm it is causing his son.    I lost my first DH (the DS'S father) and my parents within 6 years.  The DS's who were 13, 10 and 3 and I have remained extremely close as we learned that life is short and we value our relationship that family is most important on earth.  My DS having knowing this confuses me with his denial of the situation.  He believes in time it will get better however, I will not tolerate her insolence any longer and definitely will not apologize as she is the one that started these raves.   It all could have been handled so differently and this was what she choose.  Really to throw away your entire family all because I would not babysit.  The agreement had been broken and she had to learn the hard way.  She clearly has taken this to another level and I believe that there is more going on in the family dynamics than what I am aware of.   I have faith that I will see my gss and I am not giving up.  I believe that in time they will divorce as he will continue to see what she is about and get tired of it.    I feel like I have been so naive about her and her ways.  With the holidays fast approaching my DS will be at a loss without his FOO and I am sure things will start to turn around.  I will not accept her any longer in our family and my DS will have to learn to deal with this fact as I have had to deal with no interaction with my gss. 


momofthreesons, My heart aches for you.. I'm sorry things haven't gotten any better. Hopefully she will calm down and be willing to talk it out with you soon.
As for the FB stuff my own personal opinion about that is, its good you aren't seeing it. I've never understood nor will I ever why someone would get on FB to fuss and put family members down?  Seems very childish IMO. But that's just how I see it.
Is your son's all close to one another? I really do hope things are better soon.
I do wish people would not include children and I know it hurts they are telling your GS something that isn't true.
If I were a wise woman I could offer better advice. But alas I'm not. {{HUGS}}


I'd take that a step farther.  When someone calls to tell you what she's writing, politely tell them that you appreciate them looking out for you, but at this point, you really don't want the drama in your life so you would rather not know what she is writing.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I wholeheartedly agree with Pooh. Don't let the poison in and then wonder why you're sick. I have had to be firm on this one at times by telling one friend in particular that my peace of mind depends on changing the subject without further discussion. I finally realized that she was enjoying my drama. We are still's possible sometimes to act in our own defence. :-) If she hadn't understood...I would have moved on. I'm serious. I matter...(and so do you.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Luise you said, " I'm serious. I matter...(and so do you.)" This is something I'm trying to convince myself of. Its not easy! Well it isn't for me but I'm trying to keep that thought front and center now days.
I've read a lot here and you are just so great at helping someone understand that it's okay to say. "I matter" It seems so simple but its easy for that to get lost in the years of making sure everyone else mattered first. We forget that we also matter (I had). That we are more than Mothers/Grandmothers. We are people with feelings. We aren't perfect. Never have been never will be.. But we do matter!
I've seen many times people have thanked you for having a site like this.. Add me to that list. Thank you!! One kind word can help someone start to heal.