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My daughter doesn't want me around for Christmas

Started by feelinglost, October 24, 2014, 12:31:24 pm

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Hi, I am new to this but so glad I found it. I have been hurting so much and can't stop crying. I got remarried 5 yrs ago after being in an abusive marriage. My daughter was grad. from High School and I didn't want to move away from her but she told me to go that she is grown and his boys needed me. Now, she is telling me I abandoned her, I was a horrible mother and she had to raise herself. None of it is true my life was my kids. Long story short. 2 years ago she called me crying her and her bf was being evicted and they had no where to. I just started a new job and wasn't suppose to take off for 90 days but talked to my manager and was able to go. Used my rent to go get her and her bf. My husband talked to them and said after they start working they would need to pay $300 month that covered rent, utilities and food. Then save money to get a car and to be able to move out once they where on their feet. I got her a bf a job where I was working. At first it was good but then when they started getting money they would blow it on expensive electronics. The just went out and got a car with almost $400 car pmts. Started stealing the Step kids med's that was for there ADHD and causing trouble between everyone. Soon my husband and daughter was getting into and I was trying to get everyone to get alone. Then my AD was telling me I was taking his side. Not true I wasn't taken anyones side. So after a few  months my husband ask if they were going to start paying rent and we got we will pay next pay check by now my AD wasn't talking to me and ignoring me. I ask her and him what I did for her to be mad at me and wouldn't get a straight answer. Then I came home from work one day and they where gone. I found out she had done this to other family members on her dad's side and couldn't believe it. I didn't raise her to use people and be hateful. When we went in to clean up the downstairs it was horrible they had a big dog the let use one of the rooms for a bathroom and the carpets was ruined. Found drug stuff and achoho bottles everywhere. She still to this day denies it. I didn't here from my AD for almost a year and I cried daily and tried to figure out what I done wrong. Then one day I get a call and she is crying and telling me she is pregnant and it is her bf baby and they are breaking up. Skipping ahead.... She was having a baby shower and I told her I would like to go and she said ok so was even planning the game. A friend and I drove 18 hours down for a baby shower that I ended up doing all myself and paying for and that was fine I was going to be able to spend time with my AD. Things seemed to have gone well. Two weeks later she is having the baby and I wanted to be with her and she told me no she didnt want me there. I was hurt but didn't want to push the issue b/c I didn't want to close me out again. So a month after the baby was born. My husband, 8 yr old SS and myself went down to see the baby. My husband didn't bring anything up or be disrespectable because of me. She spent very little time with me especially if her new bf was there they would stay shut up in there room. We were only there 3 days on the  morning of the last day she wouldn't talk to me or let me have anything to do with the baby. I was so heartbroken. I left crying all the way home. Once again I didn't know what I done wrong. Her dad and his GF goes down a few weeks after me and she is posting how excited she is and everything they done. Now Christmas is coming and I call tell her we would like to come for Christmas and she told me no there wouldn't be enough room because my DL and other GC is going to be there and I tell her we don't have to stay the night I would love to see both GK's for Christmas (my DIL and AS live in a diff. state and he is on deployment). She tells me no. That was a week ago and I can't stop crying and I don't understand what I have done. I have tried to be there for her I want to be involved. Her daughter hasn't been there since our divorce and only seen her a couple of times since she was 13yrs old. But I am the bad, evil one who cares nothing about her. A close friend messaged her to let her know how much I was hurting and she said that when I went up there I wanted nothing to do with her just my friends and she has to walk on egg shells. I ask my friend if she saw anything I done to make her feel like that and she said not at all. None of it makes any sense. I feel so heartbroken and just want to see her and my
GK. I'm scared to say anything because she might take me off facebook and I want even get pictures of my grandbaby. My DL said her and my GB would love to see me. Please any advice would help. Just want to stop crying.  Thanks so much for listening.


Welcome, F. We ask new members to go to our Home Page and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

To me, he circumstances you describe boil down to whether you want to spend your life weeping for good reason...or create the self respect to let it all go and have the life you deserve.

My take is it's never going to make sense and I don't see any evidence that you did anything wrong. It sounds like you daughter, just like my son, is having a hard time entering adulthood and learning to be responsible. Her solution is to make it all your fault while using and abusing you.

You are at choice, as I was. It's continue the relationship as it stands, on her terms, or move on.  No one but you can make that choice. There's no fixing it. It is how it is and either you go along with it or you don't.

I chose to accept that my son had the right, as an adult (responsible or not), to live his life the way he wanted to. I had absolutely no say in the matter. I also chose to not let him drag me down with him or teach my grandchildren, by example, that abusing others was OK. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome F.  I will say honestly, that you are a better person than I am.  After the way she treated you, in your own home after helping them, I wouldn't even be trying to go visit.  That's just me.  The drugs, the lying, the sneaking off.....that would have been a last straw for me as far as going to her.  She needs to grow up, and until...or if she ever does, I'm afraid she's going to continue to use you.  Take back your life.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lucy P

Hi F, and welcome to the group.  There are quite a few of us here with similar stories, but the pain we feel is none the less shocking and deep.  It ebbs and flows as the days pass.  Just when you think you're handling it, it sneaks back up on you.  Take care of yourself - that's priority number one.  There's a section of this site, Helpful Resources, and if I may, I highly recommend a good read recommended there, and there are other good books on the subject as well:  Free Mother to Good Home.   Here's the link to Amazon, where you can also read more about the book, readers' comments, etc.  This book really opened my eyes, and I believe the author is right:  there are young adults who feel "entitled" and who compete with their parents for power and control.  My 2 ADs (in their 40's) are both estranged from me.  I'm finding that I'm past the pain and tears, still dealing with the anger, but for the most part my life is lighter and more peaceful.  Even with the holidays approaching, I expect nothing from them.  I will enjoy the holidays without them, stress-free.  Peace to you.  Remember that love is not just for sharing - it's also meant to be kept for yourself.


Have the Christmas you want with your husband.  Take a trip, see something new, stay home, watch movies, eat whatever you want and do what makes you happy.  Traditions change and we have to get used to it.  Our adult children are just that adults.

I think this past Christmas was probably the worst one I've had in many, many years.  I have, for the past 28 or so years had Christmas for my husband's side of the family.  Always on Christmas day - whoever could should up and generally it was husband's side of the family and my daughter and her husband and other assorted family members/friends.  So, last year everyone decided that we would not do Christmas dinner on Christmas - but when both of my boys would be in town.  But Christmas day, my husband and I were all alone - my daughter had her in-laws and I was good with that or was I?  I did not get dressed the entire day, sat around and had a great big ole pity party.  This year I don't know when we'll celebrate but I won't be on the couch having a pity party!

Have yourself one big ole pity party, put your big girl panties on and find something exciting and fun to do for Christmas.  If your daughter should change her mind, it may be too late for you to change your plans and won't she be shocked?


Dear F,

For me, acceptance was the key.  Especially with my eldest son.  And that only came after I forced myself to sit and look at him, not as my child but as someone I had just met.  I flipped it around in my head and asked myself, "If I were introduced to him through a friend, would I want to know him?" "Does he meet the standards that I have set to gauge whether someone could be trusted to become a part of my inner circle?"

It wasn't easy.  In fact, it shocked me when I took of the "mom" blinders.  But when I did that, my perspective changed drastically. I realized that if he were not my own flesh and blood, he would have never made it into the door of my house, let alone into the place that is my comfort and sanctuary.

It may not work for everyone, but I found "looking at the source of all the conflict (the person as a person and not my child)" was the first step towards my liberation from the swirling emotions that had eaten up my whole world. 

At times, I still struggle with it.  Some days my mind loves to drag me back to the swirling, whirling "why? and how?"  but then I will literally say out loud, "Look at the source.  Look at the person he actually is and not who your heart THINKS he is and tell me what you've lost."  Things quiet down after that.   



The "death" of the dream of a perfect family, a perfect relationship with our kid, the perfect holiday, or whatever can be pretty difficult to deal with. It's a real thing, silly as it may seem. When my DD was found to have an intellectual impairment, my world as I knew it was changed forever. A dear friend taught me that grieving my "dreams for my perfect child" was as legitimate as any other grief and that I should honor it as such...and then find a way to keep living in our new world.

I try to remember that as I continue to navigate these unpredictable waters where my DS & DIL are concerned. It's not what I had dreamed of or hoped for, and it is definitely not fair, but it certainly could be worse.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Lucy P

Quote from: Boudica on November 08, 2014, 02:13:38 am

At times, I still struggle with it.  Some days my mind loves to drag me back to the swirling, whirling "why? and how?"  but then I will literally say out loud, "Look at the source.  Look at the person he actually is and not who your heart THINKS he is and tell me what you've lost."  Things quiet down after that.   


Wow, B. ---  so wise and valuable.  As I read it, I applied it to my oldest AD; and yes, she is obviously not the child I thought I raised anymore, but has "matured" (ha) into someone who, if I had just met her, I would want to avoid.  I see a needy, manipulating, lying woman who feels the need to punish and hurt me for mistakes I made when she was young.   ----  I REFUSE to accept total and sole responsibility for how she lives her life now as an adult.

As for the approaching holidays ---- I, too, will not be shopping for my two ADs or expecting anything, including contact, from them.  I will put up and decorate my little Christmas tree, bake some cookies, cook myself a nice dinner with a glass of wine and enjoy the moment for what it is --- peaceful.   



So sad about your situation, F. It's terribly painful, I know.

My AD is now in her forties, and DH and I have been dealing with her unstable episodes since her teens. She has caused many family members much heartache, and I'm finally getting to a place where I'm not going to accept her hurtful behavior towards us any more.

So, yes, it took me waay too long, and wished I had stopped it years ago.
I say this to encourage you not to waste too many more years of misery and weeping, but rather enjoy your life. It may sound harsh now, but it is true. We wake up one day and realize all the time we spent crying and distressed over something we can't change?