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Getting off the roller coaster

Started by Pllumeria101, October 21, 2014, 02:08:24 pm

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Hello..new here...found this forum and it seems a good fit for me. Thank you for this community. I'm a 50 year old divorced Mom of two. Single. I have a small bookkeeping business but am disabled with Sarcoidosis.

I am a fairly new empty nester off/on over the last year. My 19 Year old DD moved out for the last time early August. Since I asked her to move out a year ago July we have not had much of a relationship.

I couldn't take her anger, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my home and her unwillingness to take advice from adults. I figured she would get it together, apologize and come back home and work things out. It has spiraled into a huge mess. I know I did the right thing in asking her to move out but in hindsight I could have handled it better. Smarter.

One of the conditions for moving back home was counseling. Lots has happened in the last year but we are at a very low point now. She is very much the victim and it's everyone else that is the problem.

She told me via text and email October 10th that she is cutting off all contact with her dad and I. We've been divorced 11 years. I have been trying to respect that boundary by not replying to the email rants she sends. I did send her an email a few days ago telling her my silence is not negative that I'm trying to respect her boundaries. That I love her and pray for her even when we are apart. She replied in a positive email.

She called me today to ask me to co-sign for a car loan for her. I said I couldn't and she hung up on me then sent me a mean text.

My heart is breaking and I long for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Seeing her take the tough road, the anger and pain she is in and getting beat up for everything that goes wrong in her life is so hard.

I am also dealing with health issues and taking care of my 88 year old stepfather in assisted living 3000 miles away with dementia. I feel frozen in depression and am trying to get through one day at a a time. I went from being excited about being an empty nester after raising kids for almost 30 years and having a challenging life to being a depressed empty nester that has no desire to date or find my new place in life.

I started counseling last week which I'm sure will help. I have also found a new healthy church and will join in a women's group when I return from Georgia next month to check in my dad. I'm also living with a girlfriend temporarily after selling my bigger home to downsize. Lots of changes. Have a good relationship with my DS & DIL. Have good friends but everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's embarrassing and hard to share. Feeling sad and lost.


October 23, 2014, 08:02:11 pm #1 Last Edit: October 24, 2014, 11:31:50 am by luise.volta
P - In attempting to remove two of your three duplicates posts...I have removed the response that I made and your follow up. I apologize.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome P.  It sounds like you are starting to take yourself off the roller coaster and good for you!  I also applaud you for saying no to her about so-signing.  It's always amazing to me that people think they can be so mean to other people but then ask for a favor. 

I'm sorry about your health issues.  My brother has Sarcoidosis and I'm now throwing the ACE enzyme which is indicative of it too.  So far, no lung involvement, but they think I am growing them elsewhere.  Time will tell. 

Take care of yourself.  I truly know how much sicker you can become with stress.  It was one of the reasons I finally let go of my relationship with my OS.  Worrying about it all the time was just making me sicker.  Take your life back.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


P - I have been where I have had to let go and get that OS was an adult and my job was done. Not my love for him and my caring but my involvement and direction in his life. He had the right to choose. Like many here, I had expectations of how we would relate after he reached adulthood. However, he took the stand that I was the cause of every problem that came his way and I always would be. I'm pretty sure my letting go didn't affect him...he has his story and he's sticking to it. But it did give me my own life back. It didn't happen overnight and I tried again several times before I succeeded in establishing my own boundaries. I was so busy respecting his that I gave no thought to my own for years. Now, I have balance back in my life, P; interests rekindled, new friendships and yes,even new hobbies. It was up to me to get I deserved peace and joy and that I was the only one who was going to provide it. Hang in there and hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome to the site (late from me, sorry...) I'm glad you found us!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb