Author Topic: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.  (Read 9558 times)

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Cat

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MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« on: August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM »
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.

Sammy

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2009, 03:33:34 PM »
Exactly! I cannot stand my MIL and FIL. They are telling me that I need to lose weight the whole time, in front of everybody. My FIL will actually ask me- in front of everybody- if I am ABSOLUTELY SURE I WOULD LIKE SOME DESSERT? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???  All that happens now, is that we are just not going to see them anymore, if they say hurtful things to me, it hurts my husband, so now we just stay away from them, so they lose a son- they should have thought about that sooner!!!!

Prissy

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2009, 03:53:09 PM »
I feel badly for both of you.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment.  I want you to know, though that neither did we.  We were Mothers who did nothing wrong, gave all we had and were thrown to the curb due to young women who refused our graciousness.

Cat, I was raised with impeccable manners too. Nothing could have made me deliberately hurt someone my son brought home to marry.  Nothing. Yet I didn't get the same in return.

Sammy, this kind of treatment from your in-laws is terrible.  I am so sorry. I think all of us have been wounded but from different directions. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2009, 05:57:53 PM »
It's hard to figure, isn't it? Rudeness like that has such a barb in it? Who needs it? What we all have to do is get that if the manners are all on one side...something has to give. Why would anyone deliberately subject themselves to that kind of abuse. Yup, that's the word.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2009, 06:32:04 AM »
I forget who said this, but someone said that these behaviors don't have anything to do with what role your in (DIL/MIL), it has to do with emotionally damaged people.  Ya know I'm starting to really believe that as well.

To Cat - I don't know what your history is with MIL but I wonder if she's feeling the way my MIL and FIL feel.  They see you as an invader/enemy who has taken time away from them with their son.  My inlaws were nice to my face most of the time but riped me behind my back for stupid reasons.  If you're interested I wrote my very long story on My Story as a  Rejected DIL.  You're probably dealing with a very insecure jealous woman, I would assume.

To Sammy - I would definitely NOT deal with abusive comments like that!  Life is too short to be ridiculed by people who don't have good social skills.  That would embarrass the dickens out of me if the inlaws said that.  That's one thing about them is that almost always make me feel comfortable to my face(except FIL, he can be a buger) but MIL is so sneaky about her attacks that they are almost undetectable.

Prissy

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2009, 07:07:30 AM »
I simply don't understand this concept of "stealing someone's son".  I think I've said this before but my DIL said that to me.  She whispered it though, "you don't like that I stole your son"

As God is my witness (A Scarlett vow), I never thought of anyone stealing, taking or holding my son from me.  She was like butter in the beginning, just like a sugar plum...she did a 360 degree turnaround the day of the wedding.

I've never been so shocked in my life. Right now, the anger I have toward her is huge.  Very betraying to be done like that.  The creature found out enough about me to know that I deeply wanted a family so she created a way for that to be taken from me.

Little by little, every look I gave, every word I said was taken back to son and twisted to suit her murder of us. 

She couldn't wait, in the beginning to get over here. "Mom, Dad!" (that's what she called us), hugging us and telling us how grateful she was to have us in her life.

Then, son wanted to visit here occasionally after the wedding.  Such sulking and pouting you've never seen, even from a 2 year old.  Folded arms, angry looks.  I guess he didn't see it but soon, it was less and less that they visited.

She's been to our town (they moved away) and never so much as picked up the phone to say hello.  Or, to let us speak to our grandchildren.  These freaks who raised her must have been totally hands off. 

Just my rant for today.  Yes, DILs, we lost our son.  We have to live with the idea that he allowed this to happen.  He let her do this to us.  Heartbreaking!

just2baccepted

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2009, 09:20:25 AM »
Prissy - maybe you take this too personal when one of us mentions this.  I'm not saying that all MIL's feel like mine.  You know what my MIL and your DIL probably have similar insecurities.  I really think its not about roles DIL/MIL its about certain people with emotional problems.

You know something else is I wouldn't be at all surprised if you DIL turns out to be a nightmare MIL when she's older.  She very well may be rejected by her future DIL or SIL if she doesn't clean up her rejective behavior.  I've said before that I really think after reading this blog often that my MIL probably was a difficult rejecting DIL to her MIL.  I do know for a fact that my FIL mom was in a nursing home for many years and I never met her.  Another thing is my FIL refuses to go down to visit my MIL's family who lives about an hour and half away.  My hubby said that they possibly hurt his feelings one time years and years ago or something silly like that.

I actually have been to counseling over this matter.  And my therapist even said that I'm probably viewed as an enemy invader.  Just because my MIL is like this doesn't mean that every MIL is going to feel like their child has been stolen.  Secure women won't feel like this, if anything they'll feel like they're gaining a family member.   My mom even has never acted like my hubby stole me away from her, I guess because she viewed him as an addition to our family, which is the healthy way.

I know that you're in a lot of pain because of your DIL but I also feel that same pain with my MIL. And after all this I have come to the conclusion that my MIL does in fact feel this way.  But please don't personlize this.

SunnyDays09

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2009, 09:47:33 AM »
I feel badly for both of you.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment.  I want you to know, though that neither did we.  We were Mothers who did nothing wrong, gave all we had and were thrown to the curb due to young women who refused our graciousness.

Cat, I was raised with impeccable manners too. Nothing could have made me deliberately hurt someone my son brought home to marry.  Nothing. Yet I didn't get the same in return.

Sammy, this kind of treatment from your in-laws is terrible.  I am so sorry. I think all of us have been wounded but from different directions.

I agree Prissy.  Everything was fine with my son's girlfriend until she became the fiance.  Then she became a different person all together.  She got what she wanted now she needed to plan "the big day" at no cost.  This was a two year ordeal we all went thru.  The smiles stopped.  The hello's became a quick nod.  Cold.  Impersonal.  As if she were trying to be someone she wasn't while they were dating to convince son/family she WAS THE ONE!! Then BOOM!  No more. 

   Add her rude controlling mother into the mix with sisters that can be just as cruel and you have a whole lot of mean to deal with.  I could name dates, times, and exact happenings but they still claim it was me.  I deserved all the mean.  From her mother?  I have never spoken ill or rudely to any of them.  But I have been ignored, made fun of, and talked about while I was in the room by them! 
    She has complete control over the shell of the person I once knew to be my caring, funny, easy going son.  Who became someone that couldn't pass gas without asking her permission.  But she was important to him.  She was a respite to him in the form of someone with cash-financial security.  Not rich.  But he could lose a job here or there and she/her family could pick up the slack.
   Getting rid of me - who just might ask him point blank what she is doing to him - was easy.  But I wouldn't take it.  They aren't worth it.  He's a big boy, he made his bed...
    There was NO speaking to this person.  She had a master plan and I was to be a small part in her life.  Free child care.  And I said NO, by removing them from my life. 
  They chose to remove the other family members on their own.  Selfish is as selfish does.  But I bet ya, if we were to come into a winner of a lottery, they'd be at the front door apologizing and begging to come back in.
   
« Last Edit: August 27, 2009, 09:49:43 AM by HappyDays09 »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2009, 10:30:34 AM »
"Broken Record" speaking here, (I know), but I agree with Just 2B when it comes to generalization. It can be dangerous and unrealistic stuff. So can personalization. There are some real horrors out there in both categories (MIL/DIL) and unfortunately, we know them well. We have to face them and work through the fall out. We share experiences and solutions and offer support. And over and over again we see solutions individualized.

"Sweeties" in both camps abound! Perceptions rule at times. I have been seen as the MIL from Hell and the World's Best MIL. I am undoubtedly neither one. As I have said before, one of my sons found me terribly lacking and the other one thinks I walk on water. Perceptions usually are about the perceiver as much the person being perceived.

Putting my soap box away...(for now)... ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2009, 10:40:36 AM »
I absolutely don't take what you say personally,  Just2be. You are one of the ones who really has been hurt and are trying to make an impossible situation better.  At least you're looking for honest answers.

I know my DILs son's wives will think she's awful.  I feel badly for her in a way but would like to be around when all those boys bring a girl home to meet her.

I do believe she will be stunned to see what she did to us. She will know. Thank you for your kindness.

just2baccepted

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2009, 10:49:03 AM »
Okay, I thought maybe you were taking that personal.  Yes I agree that what comes around goes around.  Not that I'm wishing that on your DIL.  I hope that she can heal and treat you and everybody else with respect.  That's what we all want in the end, just for everyone to get along.  But I know that can be an impossible goal.

SunnyDays09

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2009, 12:08:02 PM »
 
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.
Cat, might I suggest that you tell her that your husband is stunning stunning?  I have a feeling she might like this.  That he is supportive as well?  Do you feel she may have had a part in how he turned out?  In some small way, perhaps?  Or just by telling her this, she may just take it as a compliment.  With or without an explanation that because of her, her son is so great.  Whether it's true or not.
  Also, I get the vibe you are comparing her to YOUR mother.  Isn't this a bit unfair?  Maybe your mom is the most unbelievably easy to talk to, most understanding, even tempered, generous person in the world.  Why would you compare her to anyone else?  She's your MOM.  She should be the greatest to you unless she starved, and beat you and did illegal drugs or something. 
  I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   
  Could you be looking for things that aren't there?  Could he have ever showed up or called her after you two had a big argument and he left her thinking you were the meanest person on earth?  Perhaps he even cried?
   Wouldn't your mom be more inclined to protect and  side with you, pretty much all of the time?  Even when you are clearly wrong?  That's what moms do.  They side with their kids.  For whatever reason.
   I wouldn't tell her at all.  I would not have him mention either.  Just keep on with the open dialogue and genuine compassion.  Unless she's a beast of a human I can't imagine her not welcoming you.
   Just accept her as the one that changed the diapers, worried 24/7 when he was running a 104 fever.  Helped him get that important book for homework and brought it to school when he forgot.  Etc.  Etc. 
  She's just a mom.  Not a super human. 
   I had a witch for a mil at one time.  Instead of embracing me when pregnant with her grandson, I was disgusting in her eyes.  (We weren't married at the time.)  Oh well.  I did try tho.  It wasn't meant to be.

 Some you win.  Some you don't. But you have a new life with your husband.  Don't let her become an issue between you two.  Good luck!!  :)

just2baccepted

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2009, 02:59:13 PM »
Happydays09 - I think you made some good points and possibly I jumped to wrong conclusion because of my MIL experience.  And you are right that parents take the side of their children, I know my mom has done the same thing.  And that why my hubby NEVER shares anything personal or really anything about me to his parents.  he said he never wanted to give them any ammunition.  What's weird is our entire marriage when he'd talk to them on the phone it was like I didn't exist.  He doesn't bring me up and they don't ask about me.  My therapist said that was their way of pretending like I don't exist.

I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   

This was a little hard for me to read because I'm pretty sure that my MIL only cares about her feelings and not even the feelings of own children/grandchild.  My MIL look for vulnerabilities in our marriage and tries to cause problems in our marriage.  If my MIL loved her son so much why one earth would she do this?  When trying to keep neighborhood children away from her grandson she told him after some boys came over to play she made them leave and then told the poor grandson "well let me tell you, you were the last one on their list to play with."  He just stood there processing what she said.  I witnessed this first hand.  Why would she do this?  I guess because she doesn't want outsiders coming in, she's sees them as a threat.  And it makes me sick that someone who is supposed to love my husband would try to cause problems in his marriage because she wants me out of the picture I guess?

I know you obviously don't have this mentality and you truly love you son and can't fathom feeling this way about your child.  But there are mothers out there that are just "off" enough to be like this.

SunnyDays09

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2009, 03:21:53 PM »
And there are just some mean spirited people.  Male/female, dads, moms, etc. 
   My dil probably thinks her mom is the bomb dig.  The best thing since sliced bread and the woman does no wrong.  What others see and hears and feels is not the same. 

It's all in perception.  And many of the dils feel unnecessarily picked on by their MILs and many of the mils share this with their dils! 

As for your mil looking for vulnerabilities in your marriage?  She needs a major reality check and a good hobby.  For crying out loud. 

I honestly can say I have never first hand encountered someone close to me dealing with a parent that was bent on the destruction of their marriage/relationship.  Never.  I don't get it.
  I am aware some parents are a bit more controlling - but so were many of the sibs:  brothers and sisters, or THEIR spouses.  Even some neighbors got into the fray!!  LOL!

  If it ever came to be my ils or whoever began a plan like your mil there would be some serious discussions.  If she is suffering from some mental illness or something I guess it would do no good.  I wouldn't take my dil treating me like trash, I wouldn't take it from anyone else either.
   Well, I did for a year or so...wait I have a Bushism for that!  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2009, 03:38:10 PM »
Sometimes when we ponder these issues...we clutter it up with logic!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama