March 24, 2019, 07:42:00 pm


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The WHY Question.

Started by luise.volta, September 01, 2014, 12:16:58 pm

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I was truly happy to find this web site because I feel it will be very helpful. My story begins with the reaction I have received from my adult sons concerning the breakup of a marriage from their father.  We have been divorced now for 17 years but were living together again due to financial reasons.  The relationship was completely over two years before I moved out of the house.  My two younger sons have not spoken to me now for just about 3 years.  I do not get to see my grandchildren.  I am in a new relationship and that person is my ex-husbands ex-brother-in-law.  His wife expired over 5 years ago.  I have been excused of having affairs, being a liar, a crazy person and much more.  I have tried everything I can think of to try to get  them to talk to me about why they have reacted this way and neither one will answer a question I ask.  They will not even here what I have to say.  If I have hurt them in anyway I am open for discussion but nothing comes from that either.  I know there have been many lies told to them by their father but what hurts me the most is they have never even tried to ask me anything.  They just went with what their father said and it was law.  What has made 2 boys who I love very dearly completely close the door on their own mother. This situation is taking the joy from my very happy new relationship of 3 years.  I miss my sons and my grandchildren very much.  I have one granddaughter born almost 2 years ago whom I have never laid eyes on.  I have to move on but the WHY question in always on my mind.  Help if you can!

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome - P. I posted this for you. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you, if you haven't already. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I, personally, was stuck in 'WHY' for a very long time. Only when I got loud and clear, (finally), that there's no way to make senseless, was I able to accept, let go and move on. I know you will hear from others here and get different perspectives. We are all doing our best in our own way and support each other through how hard that often is. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I'm glad you're here. You'll find much wisdom and comfort :)

My reason for coming to this site was also to find out "why." My reason for staying here is that I learned there is no answer to that question, at least not for me. However, this site has shown me that I can go on anyway. It may not be just or fair but oh well. My need for justice was very strong before, and now it is less so. I am thankful for this site every day!

It took awhile - but I kept reading and posting until it "clicked." There are still tough days every now and then, but the raw pain and intense anger are gone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome P.  Just as you and Pen, I came here looking for the why's several years ago.

I actually did learn what the "why" is?  Ready?  The "why" is:    They chose to.

Unfortunately, that really is the answer.  It doesn't matter "why" they made that decision, simply that they made that decision.  It's not fair, it's not fun and it hurts like the dickens, but it is what it is.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Sorry to hear of your sad situation. It's so painful when our AC tear our hearts out, especially if GC are involved through no fault of their own.

For the past ten years, I also asked the question "why?"
Still don't have an answer.

Then heard someone say that if you ask the wrong question, you'll get the wrong answer.

So, I've changed my question to: "how can I be happy and have peace in my life without DD and all of her drama?"

I'm slowly but surely finding the answers, too ...

Hang in there -- it may take some time, but this will pass.


Why is a good question because it doesn't make sense.  So why?  I found my way here years ago, and worked through some issues.  I am glad you are here and starting to let the pain out.  So many of us will understand how you feel, even though the details of your situation might not match up with our own. 

I am glad you found love again.  Your previous marriage issues are not your sons' business.  I wouldn't make what they think about your business, your business either.  It is their problem how they hang on to the past and make themselves miserable.  Sounds like you decided not to be miserable, but would like to have their involvement for the grandchildren's sake, is that right?  What would it be like to clear the air with your ex, and find out what he knows about your sons' feelings?  That would give you insight at least.  I would also wager your ex could put in a good word for you to straighten things out with your sons.

I would not let your sons' mess with your current relationship or happiness.  They are loved, but you have a choice whether to let them mess up your life or not.  I would choose to let them be, and do what grandmothers do.  Write postcards, call on birthdays and holidays.  Ask to speak and see your grandchildren.  In other words, keep trying, keep loving, and let them stew in their own juices!

I am not the wisest one here, so if this all sounds way off, just take the hugs that I am sending you as I mean well.   :) 


As I read through these posts, I'm realizing that the question of "WHY" is keeping me from acquiring peace.
Understanding crazy is making me crazy!
I am, however, beyond grateful that I found a psychologist with a doctorate emphasizing in family therapy.

I will quote one of my best friends "It is what it T. I. is"


Dear P. Your situation is somewhat like mine. My AC's were extremely mad at me when I separated from their father and I did not want to involve them or bad mouth their father. However my now ex did not give them the same consideration and he did bad mouth me, not taking any of the responsibility himself (for his infidelities). I did not want to pain my AC's with the truths. The problem is that in not telling them anything I took all the blame, but I was told by psychologists that I was doing the right thing, and I also felt it was the right thing (to keep them out of the divorce details). My ACs did not speak to me for five years, and we still do not have a "normal" relationship. I think if I could do it over I would fight back and play dirty as my ex did. It is amazing what ex's will say and do in order to win the kids over to their side. So, some advise from my experience, write a letter to your boys and don't hold back. Give them all the dirty details of how the relationship went wrong and defend yourself. Seems there is nothing more to lose by doing that. I am sorry you are going through this, but at least you have found some happiness with your new partner. Best wishes to you! :)


QuoteGive them all the dirty details of how the relationship went wrong and defend yourself. Seems there is nothing more to lose by doing that.

Yes, there is one more thing to lose - you self respect and dignity.  Also, be careful of any written word - it is there for eternity, either for clarification or misinterpretation.  Anyway, just one opinion ....


P - I know from experience, that somehow fathers can grow better with age. The mom, more on the home front when I was young but still often the one to say 'no', can be blamed for 'whatever.' Those of us who threw in the towel can be the ones whose fault it is that the family disintegrated. It's the scape-goat thing.

I wonder if there is a right way to go through that mine field. Often we may look back and think, 'If only I had____.' The truth with many children is they don't care if their parents get along or not. Many aren't arare of infidelity. They just want the staus quo. Children can be pretty self-absorbed.

When we come to darned if we do and darned if we don't, I agree that writing it up is probably going to be used against us...just like not commenting is. What's to keep their dad from appearing the victim of our 'lies,' thus using it to his advantage.

The best I could do was my best. As I have written here, one son saw it as untenable and the other marvels at how well I did. That's more about them than it is about me.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I agree with Luise....fathers can grow better with age, but that is because they often have so much room for improvement!  Mothers are hard wired by nature to take care of our children even when they have done things wrong.  Fathers are more likely to turn their backs on their children when they have offended.  What does that do?  It proves to the child, from an early age, that you can abuse Mom and get away with it, but do something to Dad and look out!!!!  So the child grows up knowing that Dad's love is conditional.  No wonder they turn on their Mothers who will take them back with their last breath if it comes to it and will usually stand on the sidelines hurt until then.  Then if we get to tired of waiting we are blamed for the family falling apart, just like Luise said.   

They are adults now and we have no control over what they think or do and we just need to settle back and accept that fact.  I just try to remind myself that what other people think of me is not my business.

Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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